Reflections From a Sister

Like the Eagle

2012-01-17T00:33:00.000-08:00

Not too long ago I began to think about life and death. It struck me to know that I have out lived my mother and will soon reach the age of 34, an age my mother never reached. I was thinking about the process of grief and the reality of loss. Sometimes you want to shout before the world, expecting the world to owe you because you didn't get in life what you think you should have... but really, the only way to not allow for grief and pain to become toxic is really to simply grief the losses that you know you'll never re-gain even if that is what you desire. I'll never have a mother and maybe I'll never have the things I really truly desire in life. I'm not talking about relationship but who knows. I'm 34, I'm single, there is no potential man knocking on my door, and I have no children. I am an older single woman and whether I'm single or married, with children or no children, God has promised an abundant life and so my happiness is not in worldly possessions. As Jesus said in John 10:10, "I came that they might have life and life abundantly". There are just some losses I have to allow to remain as a loss, grief the loss and continue to live life to the full. This is a picture of my mother, Barbara Husband Melnychuk. You can't really tell much in this photo so I'll describe her a little. She was a "ginger"... a firey red headed woman who was strong and yet welcoming. My Nana once told me a story of a time she came over to visit. This was some time shortly after my brother and I were born. The three of us were playing on the living room floor and Nana began to criticize her. Just so you know, this story I heard directly from my Nana, so I know that when my Nana said she was criticizing her, it happened. She came walking through the door to find the laundry and the dishes piling up. My mother had help, she had a house cleaner that came on a regular basis to come and clean and provide a little extra help. I think my mother dealing with and giving birth to 2 sets of twins is deserving of an award, especially when struggling with terminal cancer and with her body failing her. I guess this interaction between my Nana and mother really touched my Nana's heart and years later to know this story has really ministered to my heart because it really places weight behind my own grief and the honest pain of it. My mother responded, "the laundry will always be there needing to get done but I'm not always going to be here for my children... the laundry can wait" I guess my Nana cleaned up the house, did the laundry and washed the dishes while my mother invested all our hours awake just loving and being loved and treasuring each moment as if it were the last.

Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.

~ 1 Thessalonians 4:13

My hope is in Christ and I intend to live each day to its fullest and live each day as if it were my last. I am learning to face hardship head on knowing that life really involves this cyclical pattern of joy sorrow happiness and grief.

I love the eagle. There is something majestic about the eagle. In Native beliefs the eagle is a prophetic picture, they carry a message, the Creator will speak through the Eagle. And if you understand the nature of the Eagle you will see just how prophetic and biblical picture they really are. From around the world in ancient times the Eagle has been used a symbol of strength and courage. It's no wonder since it is a well known fact that when a storm is brewing the Eagle will find the highest point and will wait until the full maturing of the storm and instead of waiting out the storm the Eagle will lift off and head directly into the storm and while using the strength of the wind the Eagle will lock its wings and allow the wind to push the Eagle above the storm and virtually ride out the storm and what could have ended with deadly consequences becomes an adventure the Eagle loves. It is natural for us to want to get away from the storm and shelter ourselves and run away from pain or painful circumstances but we never allow for present circumstances in life to teach us anything. What are the 4 winds telling us? What can the storm tell us? What is our Creator trying to tell us through His Creation? In world history it is a known fact that the Navajo Code Talkers were credited for using their own language to confuse the enemy in WWII, one of the words they used was ATSAH which means Eagle.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

~ Isaiah 40:31

My heart has been heavy for some family members today with a couple of significant losses. One in particular has been the unexpected passing of my Uncle Smokey a few days ago. Through this family I was inspired to learn about my Native ancestry, the culture and the People as well as Native Spirituality. Native's are a Prophetic People and this is what intrigues me the most. The culture and spirituality so similar to Jewish spirituality and biblical symbolism, acceptance of a Great Holy Spirit. A prophesy once told, years ago, has been called The Black Book Prophesy. Natives were prepared by the Spirit, having been told that a People would come with a black book and in that black book would contain the truth. In that black book, we know today and from history is the bible. Today, Native American's are quick to reject the white man's religion of Jesus but are quick to embrace the God of Israel, Yeshua h' Massiac. Jesus is the white man's God but Yeshua is the God of the black book, the God of Israel. So if you visit Native American churches don't be surprised of you hear Natives calling Jesus Yeshua. For the most part, my family who are among the First Nations are predominantly Roman Catholic. I believe my family has had a more positive experience with the Roman Catholic church in comparison to other First Nations who have endured the residential schools. If my Grandmother didn't attend the residential school I am assuming that my Uncle Smokey didn't either and I can assume with such a high respect given to the Catholic church among many extended family members I assume history with my family and the Roman Catholic church has been a more positive experience. Uncle Smokey was a gentle man who had wisdom. Over the last week I have been hearing over and over again about how incredible a man he was and he leaves behind a legacy. I'm not surprised... my Grandmother has left behind a legacy in our family and so this is no surprise to me that Uncle Smokey has left a legacy with his children and Grandchildren. In times of unexpected losses there is a certain amount of grief. I wasn't close to Uncle Smokey but I know my cousins were close to their Papa. And when there is a legacy left behind I am stirred up inside about the kind of legacy I will leave behind and this stirs in my heart to want to live just a little bit more fuller and take more risks, love deeper and love truer, to take life as it comes with challenges and all, and like to eagle, being confident in Christ and rise above and in times like this knowing that one day I will be reunited with loved ones that have gone before me and today knowing that those who have gone on before me, I believe, remain as my cloud of witnesses...

Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

~ Hebrews 12:1,2

Homosexuality and The Gospel

2012-01-15T15:53:00.000-08:00

The blogosphere has lit up like a Christmas tree over the last couple of weeks with the news of Alan Chambers, the President of Exodus International participating in a panel discussion at the latest Gay Christian Network (GCN) conference. Emotions have been stirred up by just about everyone and from every side imaginable. To be honest I really don't like the terminology of Side A, Side B, and Side X... it does create or can create such "us and them" terminology... this isn't just within the gay christian network but within the body of Christ. At the cross of Jesus Christ there is more that speaks to our unity in Christ than what divides us. Just for warning, this blog is lengthier then the blog posts I normally write, but for somebody who's dyslexic, it is broken up in such a way that makes it easy to digest and easy to think through. I have added a couple of videos to break up the reading and hopefully will make this an interesting and simple read for such a complex and complicated topic of theology. This has to be the most complicated writing adventure I have ever challenged myself with. It only took about a week to form my thoughts, process what I've heard and read etc.

Watch the video below...

At the cross it's no longer black or white, slave or free, gay or straight... in Christ any way of describing our present reality pales in comparison to who we are in Christ. The major reason why describing myself as gay does not accurately describe me in any shape or form is because I would much rather identify with who I am in Christ. Who wants to describe or identify themselves in their brokenness? What gay christians and gay activists have in common is the simple fact that they refuse to believe that same sex attraction points to brokenness, they don't like to hear this because then that would imply something needs to get "fixed" but what is neglected in this argument is the fundamental truth of the state of humanity and that is, we're born broken, we're born sinners, we're born in need of a savior, we're born in a state of depravity and we're all born into a state that God never originally intended. Why would I continue to describe myself in a state of my condition before Christ? I would much rather describe myself in the state of my condition the moment I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and began trusting in His work on the cross bringing about healing, restoration, reconciliation and a chance to be all who God created me to be. I am a woman created in God's Image and it is at the cross of Jesus Christ where God seeks to heal, restore, and reconcile the Image of God in us as men and women. It's only been recent where theologians have sought to bring an individualistic view and approach to the Imago Dei in humanity. For centuries the thought of how the Imago Dei in humanity is reflected on the earth has always been fully reflected and fully expressed in the marriage unity between man and woman and relationship between man and woman, that when man and woman can stand together in unity, together in gender complimentarity reflect the Imago Dei. This is one of the problems I have with gay christian's, liberal theology, and gay activists, they separate what God never intended for there to be a separation. Until this is understood there will be points that will divide and strongly suggest that there is a fundamental difference in fundamental theology... if you want to call me a fundamentalist go right ahead... I don't necessarily view the word fundamental as evil, it's only evil according to those with a more liberal stance because what is fundamental will always challenge the liberal. Am I calling the Gay Christian Network a liberal network? Ummm... maybe I am but maybe I'm not... do I believe that there are individuals within the network who hold to liberal views theologically? Yes, absolutely... are people with liberal views saved? Yes, absolutely. Is everybody with a liberal theological view saved? There is a good chance that there are folks who are in the liberal camp who are not saved but the same goes with folks who would fall into the more fundamental camp.. am I calling Exodus folks fundamental christians? No I am not but is it a possibility that you might find individuals who support Exodus to have a more fundamental views? Sure, you will. What's my point? In the body of Christ there will be in-house debates that will continue to seek to divide the body of Christ. What was the Apostle Paul's approach to in-house debate's?

Do not have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God would grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will. ~ 2 Timothy 2:23-27

As I've observed and even interacted within the blogosphere in the midst of the present controversy that arose with the President of Exodus International participating in a panel discussion at the GCN and with some of his comments that stirred up the controversy... pretty much most of us are guilty at of contributing to the controversy in one way or another... I have a question for you? Are you secure enough in your own understanding of scripture to be ok with somebody else having a different view then what you have? Jesus was always for people, never against. There were absolutes, there are things that we must allow to divide but there are things we need not allow to divide us and with that in mind, trying to navigate through controversy, and adversity can make navigating through disagreements a very complex thing. As I've observed and have interacted within the blogosphere I've seen a couple of different issues come up. The first, is the wounding that some have experienced and there being a need to forgive. Unforgiveness can become toxic, we're called to forgive and we're challenged to wherever possible, when it is safe to do so, to reconcile. Here is a blog post I wanted to bring your attention to, with this regards... a side - b side = forgiveness. The second thing I've observed isn't so much a controversy being stirred up as to whether or not God affirms homosexual behavior but rather a discussion that has more to do with salvation. In the body of Christ there are two main camps with this regard, there are those who fall into the Calvinist camp and then there are those who would fall into the Arminian camp and this does not include those like myself who fall somewhere in between and those of the Augustinian camp. Our views as it relates to salvation will greatly influence our response to homosexuality, the one who struggles, and even embraces homosexual behavior. And if we fall into the camp of the Calvinist then it is possible to believe that a gay christian who continues to embrace homosexual behavior are still saved because at one point in his or her journey if they are among the elected they will have a change of heart because of God's irresistible grace that will, to no choice or will of the individual God will change their heart and mind. It is then, easy to call every person you come in contact with a fellow Christian regardless of their current stance on homosexuality... just because you call yourself a Christian that doesn't necessarily mean that you are part of the elect.... for those who may fall into the Arminian camp they would say there has to be seen fruit of a Christian life, since limited atonement is viewed as false doctrine God extends his grace and forgiveness and a chance for all man and woman to repent and there being a choice that we can make in this regard, we can, like Pharaoh choose to allow for our hearts to harden therefore making God's grace resistible. In my own introverted way I am just a tad bit too charismatic to be a Calvinist... l lean more towards the Arminian view point of salvation. I don't believe, however, that one can lose their salvation. In my opinion, the prodigal always returns home even if it's a death bed confession of all our regrets, a true believer will just not be able to rest in sin period and this restlessness and the kindness of the Lord will be what will eventually win our hearts over, if not now then it will sooner or later. The question that people need to ask with regards to the Arminian view point, people falsely believe that one can lose their salvation when really the question isn't whether or not the christian has lost their salvation but whether or not the individual was ever converted in the first place. Listen to what Greg Laurie below has to say...

What keeps you towards repentance? Is it the fear of losing your salvation? If it is I'd strongly suggest you begin to question your theology and understanding of the character of God and His word.

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us. This is how we know that we live in Him and He in us: He has given us His Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent His Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out all fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because He first loved us.

~ 1 John 4:8-19

Can a gay christian be saved? Yes, absolutely. Can somebody who continues to embrace homosexual behavior be saved? Whether I label this person or that person a Christian or not what should be the posture we have towards that individual? I think to label brings about comfort for us. It tells us who is in and who is out and it sets up certain boundaries that make us feel safe but like it or not we must allow for the messy and the dirty in our church. As previously mentioned there are reasons why I don't particularly believe that calling myself a gay christian is accurate and true for my journey. I believe that as a Christian it is vitally important to repent of and completely and totally renounce homosexuality. If I have renounced homosexuality then why would I continue to identify with it? If I do then I hadn't completely renounced homosexuality and continue to align myself up with my brokenness and with sin and with sexual sin as well and I would continue to align myself up with even if deeds and actions may suggest otherwise, there becomes, in my opinion, and unholy alliance with what I should in truth reject. Now, do I reject the people? No, but do I reject the theology and everything to do with the behavior? Yes, absolutely. How do I convey this truth to those who obviously differ in theology? If there cannot be a civil discussion in the places we differ in our belief then there really is no point in discussing anything, especially if it will produce fruitless arguments. Listen below to what Greg Laurie has to say concern salvation....

One major criticism with the Gay Christian Network I have is the fact that there seems to be no acknowledgement of those who have honestly experienced change in their life and who no longer experience same sex attraction. There is on one hand this demand that some make for people to believe that change is not possible but that push comes with a complete disregard for those who have experienced change. Many want for their own negative and hurtful experience with ex-gay ministries to be acknowledged but they refuse to acknowledge others with an absolute positive and healthy experience within ex-gay ministries. Personally, I wish that the ex-gay terminology had never even have been developed because at best, this brings about confusion, it implies that the one who journey's out of homosexuality will for sure, one day come out as straight when that has never been a guarantee. Change has always been a guarantee but what change looks like to each individual will look different... while some will journey out of homosexuality to never experience same sex attraction there are many who have experienced to different degrees a shift within their orientation... my argument will always be, that if there has been some change then some change is in fact change and if some change is possible then that means change is possible. Gay christian's and gay activists would like to silence my testimony or will seek to minimize or disregard it and they will seek to do whatever they can to silence to testimony of those who have experienced complete changes in their sexuality even if it means to manipulate and twist the words of Alan Chambers and other folks within Exodus, that is, if their words can be twisted and manipulated just enough to fit their agenda.

As I've observed and have participated in this recent discussion what has come to mind is the parable of the weeds. The story of this parable is found in Matthew 13:24-30. You can't really tell the difference between the wheat and the weeds until the time is right. All too often the church wants to begin uprooting the weeds but in the process of uprooting the weeds when done prematurely the good wheat is uprooted and the whole crop is destroyed. My question is this, is it our responsibility to separate or is it the responsibility of Jesus? Is it our responsibility to label who's the weed and who's the wheat? Or is it our responsibility to make sure in our own heart of hearts that we are yielding ourselves to the Holy Spirit and making sure we don't allow for our own hearts to harden but always be a heart that is able to be soft and malleable in response to the Holy Spirit at work in our hearts and in our lives. The parable of the weeds is explained in Matthew 13:36-43. Some would argue that our conversion to Christ can be as much a process as is sanctification. I would argue that this is true. And if this is true then I need to allow for many gay christian's to be legitimately my brother and sister in Christ but at the same time, as mentioned above a couple times over, there are some very good reasons that describing myself as a gay christian does not fit with my reality, experience, and biblical perspective. I would rather be for somebody then against somebody and I honestly believe that Jesus was never against anybody but always for everybody... well, everybody with exception to the self righteous hypocrite and the Pharisee. As somebody who has a leaning towards the prophetic things can quickly become black and white and I neglect relationship and discipleship when in my passion and conviction is towards holiness, righteousness, purity, and truth. When it comes to truth there are certain things that are non-negotiable. What the bible teaches concerning homosexuality is non-negotiable. The bible is very clear that God does not affirm homosexual behavior. The sanctity of marriage and the sanctity of life, these things are non-negotiable but in the reality of the body of Christ being broken and in light of broken people making up the broken body of Christ there needs to be this allowance for the grey and for this allowance for individuals to be in process both within conversion and within sanctification. If you know me then you will know there are certain convictions that I have and convictions I will never stray from and convictions I strive towards strengthening in my life so that the life I live becomes aligned with what I believe. Looking back in my own journey I can see my own process towards conversion and the process I went through to when I eventually became convicted about homosexual behavior and my need for repentance and renouncing of homosexuality. It took me years from the point I encountered Jesus and believed in Jesus before my life actually began to show any fruit of my salvation in Christ and it is Christ who continues to hold me and to work in me His salvation in me.

Until Christ Returns

2012-01-09T10:42:00.000-08:00

If there is one testimony that I have it is not in what I have done or will do but my testimony is in Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. If there is ever the opportunity I would challenge openness, honesty, and vulnerability. I just completed a two part blog series on The Cost to Intimacy and The Cost to Intimacy - Taking Another Look and in this blog series I came with presenting a few challenges. The first challenge was in the area of what I listed above... openness, honesty, and vulnerability. The second challenge is in the area of counting the counting the cost to intimacy- our pride. And then the third challenge I put out there was in the area of being willing to turn away from the counterfeit, letting go of all the ways in which we cover up and pretend to be somebody we're not and being willing to turn away from anything that competes against our worship to God. I came with one observation. The observation that obedience is not what cultivates intimacy with Papa God our obedience is the fruit of intimacy with Papa God. The one problem I see is that the church has great difficulty in being able to exist as one body and live in the grey and messy. None of us are perfect, the body of Christ is filled with a bunch of broken people all whom have been born into a world subjected to the fall of creation. If that were not so we would not have what is says in Romans 8:18-25, "I consider that our present sufferings is not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to the frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Let me ask you a question, as you journey in Christ what do you hope for? Do you hope for healing and wholeness? What does healing and wholeness look like? In the passage of scripture mentioned above we see this tension that is at play. It is the tension between the now but not yet Kingdom reality. We have some of what is in God's Kingdom but we war against that which is in the earthly Kingdom... the one reality is the clashing of the two and the growing reality of heaven invading earth. Can we see in our day the sons of God revealed upon the earth? I believe this is a growing reality when we stop living in our earthly Kingdom reality and we begin to live from a place of our citizenship in heaven and in that sense be participants of ushering in God's Kingdom here on earth. This defies certain logic when the supernatural invades the natural. The very resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is a very good example of this supernatural invading the natural not to mention the immaculate conception. When Jesus walked on water the supernatural invaded the natural. When Israel conquered a People significantly larger and more powerful the supernatural invaded the natural making possible for Israel to have favor and conquer the land before them. If the journey of Israel's Exodus out of Egypt has any significant parallel for us today, we're standing before the land in which the Lord has given us but there are a People inhabiting the land that must be conquered. ~ Numbers 13:30-33

...and we became like grasshoppers in our own sight, and so we were in their sight

Self perception is vitally important. If we feel like a failure we will always be a failure and if we say that our past failure will dictate future failure we'll never be able to step into any kind of break through in our life, whether that break through is in the area of addictions or unhealthy relationships or it's in the area of our finances. It's interesting with Israel, they viewed themselves as grasshoppers... so they were... Every time Israel saw what the Lord had given into their hands they moved forward in victory but when their focus shifted away from the promises of God they ended up wandering in the desert waiting for an entire generation to die. There exists this point of tension and in this point of tension we are all in different places with different experiences--all of which calls for an allowance for the grey. Things aren't always black and white or as cut and dry as we'd like them to be, we like to be comfortable and they grey is not so comfortable.

My testimony kinda disturbs the comfortable as I allow for my faith journey to

exist in a level of tension.

When it comes to homosexuals coming to faith in Christ it becomes even more apparent that life in the body of Christ needs to allow for the grey because life is lived in the grey. We are all at different places in the Lord and in our journey. We are all in this process of being transformed into the likeness of Jesus and that process will look very different from one person to the next. Who are we to dictate how or what one person's journey should look like? Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying that we should become relaxed in our theology. I am a firm believer in knowing the word of God and applying the word of God to our daily lives and I am for an honest examination of what the bible really says about homosexuality. Some people don't like this phrase but oh well, I'm for a second going to choose not to be Canadian here and regardless if this offends somebody or not, the bible is very clear on what it says regarding homosexuality. This is my conviction, the bible does not affirm gay marriage as an alternate and equal expression of a marriage between one man and one woman. The bible does in fact strongly suggest that anything outside of one man and one woman partnership is a broken expression of who we've been created to be as Image Bearers. And if that is true there is potential for healing and restoration in Christ but to what extent... here lies the tension. There is a contingent group of individuals who claim boldly and adamantly and quite vehemently that change is absolutely not possible and then there are those who expect for every single individual struggling with same sex attraction to one day wake up having gone from gay to straight almost overnight and perhaps with one deliverance session, bada-boom bada-bing abra-ca-dabra now claim you're straight and if you're not you're just not filled with enough faith or you're not praying hard enough or you're not reading the bible enough!

With that kinda philosophy my concern is that somewhere behind this social and political debate the truth is not only kept veiled but the church fails then to value relationship and discipleship.

Our churches and our Pastors need to value relationship and discipleship. It is in relationship and discipleship we grow in Christian maturity and where we can begin to embrace the man or woman that God created us to be and there grow secure in our identity and be given the ability to then move forward in God's Kingdom as children of God regardless of the battle that still remains ahead of us.

For now we only see a reflection as in the mirror; Then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

~ 1 Corinthians 13:12-13

And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His Image with ever increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, Who is the Spirit.

~ 2 Corinthians 3:18

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do. I will not forsake them.

~ Isaiah 42:16

Yes, there is freedom to be found in Christ from homosexuality. Yes there is hope for wholeness in Christ and there is life beyond homosexuality. Nobody said the journey would be easy... it is a life long process. Now, how one gets from point A to point B may differ and perhaps it's not until Christ returns we finally arrive to point B. I think there is a level of choice in operation here. We can choose to allow for our present reality to dictate our future reality or we can believe and trust in God and know that He is good and agree to walk with Him and believe and hope for more. We can view ourselves as a sinner and struggler or we can view ourselves as the victor and the overcomer in Christ, a Saint and child of God. I am a woman created in God's Image.

I hope for a day and time when labels and terminology ceases to be of any value and we begin to place our value, our sense of worth, and our identity in Christ.

Even a blog needs pruning...

2012-01-08T00:48:00.000-08:00

As of lately I've been looking at my current stats, seeing what posts have generated traffic and which posts have generated more traffic then others. I have decided to do some weeding and pruning of my blog... cleaning it up a bit so that I can generate traffic through the posts I would like for people to see and delete some posts that were generating traffic but posts that actually took away from my overall message on this blog. And well, I kinda needed a new look as well. I hope that I can continue to make improvements on this blog and also in my writing.

I can remember a conversation I had with my brother over the phone last year. He was voicing his opinion about the blog and the fact that he didn't want me to be so personal on my blog. The truth is, I'm not really all that personal on my blog and well, it is my blog and so I can kinda write what I want on this blog and if people like what reading what I have to write then that's just fine and if they don't like reading what I write then they can choose not to visit my blog again. In that conversation he noted that there aren't many people who leave comments and since there aren't anybody who leaves comments, or there is a relatively few comments then that must mean I don't have much of an audience so then why bother writing.

There are many reasons why I write and to get rich and famous is not a motive of mine. I write because I enjoy writing and I enjoy keeping up with this blogging. I also enjoy reading the blogs that other people write. You can see just off to the side the blogs I follow and enjoy reading. As I began to look through stats on my blog I have been pleasantly surprised by what they show.

The largest audience my blog reaches are folks in the United States and next to the United States my second largest audience is Canada. Third would be from the United Kingdom, India, Singapore etc

So to date here are my total number of visits since I published my first post a number of years ago...

United States - 7, 002

Canada - 3, 103

United Kingdom - 630

India - 390

Singapore - 357

Russia - 218

Netherlands - 207

Germany - 202

Australia - 187

Philippines - 72

Just the other day I receive 22 visits from the United States, 9 visits from Singapore, and 7 visits from Canada, there were even 2 visits from Indonesia as well and then visitors from Dominican Republic, Netherlands, and Taiwan. I love all these Nations I really do! And I am so glad that we are able to speak a message and have that message heard on an international level really. I'm just a writer/blogger on a faith journey. I wanted to take the time to thank my readers for their continued support by dropping by and reading what I have to say. I would love to hear from my readers every once in a while. If you would much rather send me a message anonymously you can feel free to send me an e-mail. Whether you e-mail me or comment anonymously or add me as your friend on facebook or not I'm just glad to see you come visit me on my blog.

If you have any questions, any comments then you can feel free to e-mail me or find me on facebook and add me as your friend. I know this is risky... very risky. I like to take risks :)

My e-mail: sjmelnychuk@gmail.com

The Cost to Intimacy - Taking Another Look

2012-01-07T16:14:00.000-08:00

When I noticed that my previous post The Cost to Intimacy had generated quite a bit more traffic then what my blog is used to receiving I had the idea to expand on my current thoughts and reflections.

I was stirred up with a few thoughts that came to mind after being at a worship service and hearing this Pastor speak on the cost to intimacy. He wasn't the main speaker but the main speaker and the Pastor at this church where I had attended this service had spoken similar messages that tied in together and something they said really bugged me. Now, honestly, there wasn't much I disagreed but I did disagree with the context in which intimacy was applied. I got to thinking if obedience is the cost to intimacy then why are there so many Christians out there who do all the right things and say all the right things, are successful in both their job and the Christian life and yet are still very fragmented and disconnected individuals? I can remember in my earlier experience in my faith journey I did all the right things, I did my best to make the right choices, I made every effort to live the life that was expected as a Christ follower and when I failed, which was often I made the point of repenting and maintaining a heart of repentance and somehow I made it to Bible College where I continued to do what was expected which included joining a 5am prayer meeting.

I got so exhausted trying to do all the right things that when it came to succeeding in the things I wanted to succeed in I fell short. I fell short because I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to live up to everybody's expectations that I never really succeeded at it. I kept on this journey and walk of faith and remained obedient to Christ. Some choices I made in my early years in my faith journey I was actually proud of. When my entire youth group decided to smoke pot at a yearly Youth Convention I made the choice to walk away, being the only one in my youth group that year to remain drug free. To this day I have remained drug free despite the fact that there were moments where there were options of me to try this or that. I made the choice for abstinence and then when it came to alcohol, yes I drank socially and despite the fact that I did experience intoxication a couple times in my life they were the result of having 1 too many drinks and so my state of intoxication was accidental. I never drank for the specific purpose of getting drunk. If you know me then you know I'm actually allergic to alcohol and so the times I had experienced intoxication it was the fact that I made the decision for a second or third drink. So, when it comes to alcohol I maintained a mature attitude. The last thing I wanted was for alcohol to begin to control my life. When all my friends were coming out I made the decision to not allow for my feelings to identify who or what I am and chose instead to allow for my identity to be developed in Christ so instead of having a usual coming out experience I instead came into God's grace and despite some poor choices made to this day I refrained from lesbian relationships and I have struggled immensely with homosexual feelings and desires my time in the gay community has been relatively short. When I did all the right things and made all the right choices I found myself to be no closer to God, in fact, my entire life there always seemed to be this distance between myself and God and when I felt the Lord's presence in my life it was a relatively short period of time. Clearly my walk of obedience itself isn't what cultivated the intimacy with Papa God I experience today.

There was something much much deeper then simply being obedient to Christ that made it possible to cultivate intimacy with papa God. Don't get me wrong, I am not giving anybody a license to be rebellious against the Lord but just wanting to take a deeper look into two very very different aspects. There is the expression of our love towards Jesus and then there is something profoundly deeper which is cultivating intimacy with Papa God.

Jesus said in John 14:15, "if you love me you will keep my command" But I also seem to recall another verse that said we love Him because He first loved us.

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us. This is how we know that we live in Him and He in us: He has given us His Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent His Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out all fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because He first loved us.

~ 1 John 4:8-19

In an ideal world and in ideal circumstances we would all be able to love each other in such a way that nothing competes against Jesus and well, in ideally speaking the fall of creation and original sin by Adam and Eve wouldn't have happened and we'd all be made perfect in love and rest in utopia bliss but that isn't the reality is it. The reality is, we are living in a world filled with the consequences of the original sin and our own sin. You can read through the creation account of Adam and Eve all the way through to the fall of creation in the early chapters of Genesis. For the sake of trying to keep this post short and simple I'm not going to dissect the scripture in point form but will make references to. If you know the scriptures well then you will know the story as it unfolded. Along came the serpent who tempted Eve to take from the forbidden fruit and then she gave some to Adam and their eyes were opened. You can read for yourself in Genesis 3:1-7. Their eyes were opened and they realized they were naked so they sewed fig leafs together to cover themselves up with. The times have not changed. It is still a human tendency to make an effort to cover ourselves up. Adam and Eve used fig leafs but have a tendency to use other things. We will create this pseudo personality/character to present to others and we'll even do the same as we relate to God despite the fact that He already knows and He already sees but we do it anyhow. As long as we're living behind fig leafs we will forever be living behind some façade and living behind the fig leafs produces anything but intimacy. In fact, it only causes one to keep holding onto or chasing after the counterfeit that Satan will always bring our attention to, even if that counterfeit is being the good Christian who will always do what is right. And if walking in obedience to Christ is all apart of one trying to live behind the fig leaf then our motive towards walking in obedience to Christ is from the place of a wrong motive and that can only lead to self righteous hypocrisy. The only way to really guard one's heart from religious hypocrisy is to become brutally honest about our sin, our weakness, and our inadequacy, and that even with our best intentions we're still going to fall short.

Our desire for a father's love readily digresses to the pursuit of idols. We do not know how to find real love, and as a result, we gravitate towards whatever promises to ease our aloneness. We end up frustrated--confused as to who we are, bound to our own neediness, alone. Like the nation of Israel, we wander in the wilderness, alternately walking in the light and avoiding it. Gratefully, our Father recognizes our dilemma and in His mercy makes a way for us. He insists on breaking through our enslavement to sin and captivating with his loving reign in our lives. He does so by giving us His Son, the only one who will love and obey the Father fully. Jesus lives out the faithfulness that we won't and can't live out. In His humanity Jesus takes upon Himself our disobedience and carries it obediently to the cross. And in His resurrection power, Jesus breaks through the hell of all that separates us from the Father. Now freed to live in His love, we can rejoice in the truth that the Father through the Son intends to clear away all of our shadows and layers of darkness to reclaim the masterpiece within. ~ Andrew Comisky, Living Waters

Clearly there is something going on much deeper then simply our obedience and clearly our obedience alone is not what cultivates a place of intimacy with our Papa God. The problem with so many believers and followers of Jesus isn't our obedience because there are a great number of obedient followers who have yet to really know God and be known in the places they are most ashamed about and most secretive about. Why do I share my story? It isn't to boast of the things that I've done wrong or have done right it is to be an example of intimacy restored and an intimacy restored only by Jesus Christ because in the end it's not about me and it's not about what I've done or haven't done. It is about Jesus Christ who has done more for me then what I've deserved. It is the kindness of the Lord that leads to repentance and it is His love that draws me towards Him and who opens my eyes to the counterfeit that I might reject the counterfeit in pursuit of the real thing and a much more satisfying relationship with Jesus that living behind a fig leaf doesn't afford. I am so thankful that I am apart of a church community where I am known fully as I am in all my weaknesses, as they are many and where I can contribute in community with the strengths and gifts that I have. I am thankful that I engage in community and relationship from a place of being known because in that place the power of sin and the power of shame is dissolved and a place where I am encouraged to grow in my relationship with Jesus Christ and where I learn to see my identity in Jesus Christ. There is no expectation of me maintaining a walk I am incapable of but there is an expectation of honesty, openness, and vulnerability.

Where there is sin I readily confess that sin and where there is struggle I readily find a few select friends to pray with me. If I were secretive about my continued struggle with same gender attraction then the same gender attraction would continue to rule my life but with friends who know of all my struggles there is this ability to bring my struggles into perspective and as a result I am growing in Christian maturity and my struggle with same gender attraction is beginning to dissolve. This is change. The place where I have seen change the most is in my response to my struggle with same gender attraction. It is a factor but not the defining factor in my life and it certainly does not dictate my behavior.

I am released into a greater awareness of who I am in Christ and who Christ is in me. The same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead is the same Spirit in me, at work in me, and who has reached into the deadened places in my heart and brought it back to life again. And the woman that God created is released to grow and become all of who God intended her to be. At the right hand side you will see a photo. At the time this photo was taken my brother and I were 5 or 6. I am siting on my favorite blue bike with the banana seat in the pink shorts and white and pink shirt. It probably looks predominantly white and you probably can't tell the shorts were pink but they were pink. I have always been a closeted pink lover, seriously, I have always really loved the color pink and I say that unashamedly. In this photo is also pictured our childhood group of friends. from left to right, Susan in the bike with the basket, Jen who is standing in between Susan and my brother Jeff, and then there is me. When I see this photo I don't see a girl who struggled with her own identity I see a girl who had been wounded and who needed comfort but found no comfort and I saw a girl who underneath the smile was afraid and filled with anxiety not knowing what the future would hold but I saw something else in this photo. I saw a peace that came from Papa God. With all my fear and anxiety I still loved Jesus and I believed that Jesus loved me and His presence in my life is something I felt so tangibly that even in horrible circumstances Papa's love came to me. He comforted me as I continued to grieve the loss of my Mother, and He comforted me when home life was unstable.

I can remember years ago attending a Love Won Out conference. At that conference Melissa Fryrear was one of the speakers. She had the ability to really communicate the deeper struggles I faced internally. I was able to relate on so many levels of her testimony that it really made me begin to think that gosh, if God did such a transforming work in her life He can do the same in mine. I had the opportunity to actually speak with Melissa at both Love Won Out conferences I had attended. Here's a video that shares a bit of her story.

Going back to the above childhood photo of myself with my brother and our friends. I completely forgot about having this photo taken and so there is a story about when I received this photo. I can recall seeing Jen's Grandmother at church one day and it seemed to be from out of nowhere that she came up to me and said she had a photo she wanted to give to me. It was this photo above that she gave. It was about the time when I began to really consider the possibility that there was more for me the Lord had besides living a lesbian life. I wanted healing and I wanted wholeness but doubted very much so that what I desired most would never be my reality. Childhood photos can tell us a lot of things and at this moment when I saw this picture it exposed the lie that I had believed. There was a little girl who had been wounded in her earlier life and this picture revealed to me that in my heart of hearts was a girl that never had the safety to really be given the freedom to grow but instead became stunted if you will and so as I began to journey with God it wasn't from a place of seeking something that didn't already exist but rather the Lord beginning a work of restoration and one of reconciling. Today I have fully embraced being a woman. The time I had been so disconnected with my own femininity seems so completely foreign to me that it all seems very surreal. I have been empowered to live the life I am called to live even if I continue on my knees at the cross of Jesus. It is at the cross I am given the grace to stand back up and keep moving forward as I journey with Christ and I do so with my identity firmly planted in Jesus Christ. What is the cost to intimacy with Papa God? Only our pride and the laying down of our pursuit of all that is a counterfeit to the real love of our Papa God and to continually turn to Jesus who will be forever the one who remains faithful. How do we surrender our pride? We surrender our pride with honesty, openness, and vulnerability... we surrender by taking off our fig leaf... the very things in our life that we use to cover up everything and all things that keep us bound to secrets and shame and we step before our maker in our nakedness just as we are and receive the love of Papa God. In return of receiving the love of Papa God our hearts are changed and we grow to recognize all the counterfeits we've pursued in life and as a result turn away from the counterfeit and pursue a deeper more fulfilling relationship with Jesus Christ and from that place we're empowered to walk out our faith and relationship with Jesus. The fruit of intimacy with Papa God is the fruit of the Spirit... it is from this place we are able to walk in obedience to Christ. I would suggest that our obedience is the fruit of coming to understand this two-fold truth, who we are in Christ and who Christ is in us.

Profundity - vocabulary being learned ~ 1

2012-01-05T03:24:00.000-08:00

Profundity: Google defined profundity as

1. Deep insight; great depth of knowledge or thought.

2. Great depth or intensity of a state, quality, or emotion

Unlike many folks, most of whom I interact with online via facebook, google, bloggersville etc I really admire the great diverse and fullness of vocabulary I see and read... there were a few reasons why I began to blog and one major reason is simply to develop my writing skills. I believe there has been much improvement over the years. Considering my own challenges with dyslexia and attention deficit struggles I can assure you that maintaining this blog, continually being committed to seeing my writing develop, and meet the ever increasing challenges to learn and develop myself in all areas of my life, this is no small thing!

I have a vision, a dream... I have many things I want to accomplish in life and one thing I never grew tired of doing has been just simply learning. I love to learn, I love to learn new things and I love to engage with others and to learn from them. I never used to consider myself to be much of a writer but over the years and after writing long e-mails to friends I guess I my friends began to encourage me to write a book. And so began this project... publishing a blog! So... how does it look so far?

I will be committing myself to growing the profundity that is within me that is just desperate to surface... but alas, I lack to vocabulary to really express all that is within me. So... I've decided to add something new to my blog writing. Once a week, just for fun I will pick a word, any word, and will make an attempt to include that one specific word in a sentence and contextualize it within my actually blog post. This should prove to be really interesting.

If you have any suggestions comment below with some words that you find interesting, perplexing, colorful... something kinda like profundity... one word I really like to use is profound so profundity and profound are kinda similar... in fact, one could probably just change a few words around and instead of using the word profundity I could use the word profound... I don't know if I have anything profound just yet to say but perhaps one of these days I'll surprise myself and some profound thought will come to mind and something will get stirred up within the hearts of those who by chance should stumble upon my blog and be stirred up. I'm inviting you along to join with me as I journey in the world of wikipedia, encyclopedia, and social media as I make an attempt to grow my vocabulary and entertain readers as I write my thoughts and reflections.

Highlighting Blog Posts of 2011 & Earlier

2012-01-04T16:13:00.000-08:00

I began my blogging back in 2008 with no real direction and still very much so in the place of process... I never claimed to be where I wanted to be and never claimed to have everything all put together either. I always claimed to be just one person on a journey who just wanted to reflect on my journey of faith, healing, and restoration as I continue to pursue my relationship with Jesus Christ. Everybody wants key advice on how to get from point A to point B, the only thing is there are lots and lots of opinions on where point B is and there really is never given much thought to the in-between place, the gap from point A to point B. The destination is important but I really believe that what is most important is the journey itself and I believe that what God is more interested in, isn't so much the destination but the journey. Most people really don't want to read material of how to engage in faith and relationship at it's most difficult place. People want to skip the hardship and skip the difficulty, they don't want a faith that is tested and put through fire. But honestly, we need for our faith to be tested and put through fire, this is the exact process that will refine us and shape us and it will be what will ultimately bring about change in our life, the kind of change that we actually want to see... I also think also we might be surprised at where we end up. We have an idea before the journey even begins but there are surprising detours that take place along the way. We might think these surprising little detours are an inconvenience and some may even feel that our surprising little detours are failures when really it was God's plan all along for us to wait and sit a while in one moment of time and in one season we may find ourselves in. You've heard the expression of going around the mountain over and over again without successfully climbing up and reaching the pinnacle or the climax of what we're personally seeking after. Sometimes the fact that we end up going around the same mountain more times then what is necessary is the very fact that we hadn't slowed down long enough to learn what it was the Lord wanted for us to learn, so we keep going around and around until we learn or we make another failed attempt at climbing that mountain pre-maturely. As for me I appreciate process and I am a believer of things taking time. I will get to my destination when I get to my destination. I have no expectations of what that particular destination will even look like. All I know is that God has placed in my heart a vision and a snap shot picture of what that destination for me will look like and I just am making a choice to enjoy the journey and to fall in love with Jesus in the journey. The surprising detours have become exciting adventures that God has used along the way to grow me spiritually, emotionally, and in all my relationships from family to friends.

Let us take a journey in years past at some of my blog posts...

The Poem I posted in 2008 ~ From Out of Darkness

I wrote a poem years ago when I began this journey and when I came to the place of really wanting to be whole. I was hurting and confused and it seemed to me that this poem became a tool that God used to enable me to process the wounding I faced at church. My church experience was one that was really difficult. I was judged and there seemed to be too high of expectations placed on me and if I didn't look like the "in crowd" then I was just not accepted. People were nice to me in front of me but behind my back were just not so nice. I needed relationship and community and this was just not one thing I was able to receive at this particular church despite the fact that I basically grew up at this church. I was different, I looked different, I acted different but I came to church with all the same needs as everybody else.

Here's something I posted in 2009 ~ Journey of Discovery

Again, it highlighted the journey more then it highlighted the destination of the journey. It really is or can be an adventure. When I was considerably younger I came across this song. Now when I listen to this song or see the video it really is a cheesy video and a cheesy song but the song itself opened my eyes up to the journey of faith. When we come into a relationship with Jesus we are entering into a relationship with another person and in that relationship we grow to understand who this person is and this person invests in this relationship just as much as we invest, I would suggest that Jesus' investment in our relationship with Him is considerably more, considering the fact that he died for our relationship with Him. Here's the video ~ The Great Adventure.

Now looking into what I posted last year...

For many, when folks look into Social Justice and what that means, they view it as feeding the poor and giving cloths and helping with the personal needs of others including providing shelter and even community. They look at this with a desire to want to form community and relationship with those on the margins of society. However, true biblical righteousness is more of a fine balance between feeding the hungry and clothing the poor and helping with advocacy and such but true righteousness is both in the area of Social Justice and embracing a life that is committed towards holiness. The true biblical definition of righteousness is not merely a life of holiness and making right choices but it is with social justice in mind.

Here's one particular post that I wrote in reflection of this ~ True Social Justice and Righteousness

There you have it, a summary and highlighting of a few blog posts I published since 2008 - 2011

A New Beginning

2012-01-03T09:50:00.000-08:00

At the start of every year I have usually always looked at what things didn't go my way, what areas in my life didn't add up, what areas I needed to fix, and I couldn't help but to notice everything I lacked and everything I wanted and would look back at a very disappointing year. This may be the first year ever I am able to look back and not only see what didn't go well but with the heart attitude of knowing that the year 2012 will be different and will be filled with me taking another step towards my goals and ambitions in life. I entered 2012 at a worship service. It was a great service... one song had been played multiple times throughout the night and the longer we pressed into the presence of God with this one particular song the more it dawned on me that this song has been pressed upon my heart because this year this is my song.

Over the last 7 years the Lord has given me scripture verses, it was a way of really settling in my heart not only God's word but in such a way as to allow for the word of God to penetrate my heart in such a way that I would allow for His transformative work to go deep. I look at this time, this last year and all I can say is that it has been a real bitter-sweet time for me. I have contended for my health in ways I never had to before in my life, I have contended for my spiritual freedom, I have contended against oppression and depression as well as anxiety. This last year has been the most challenging of years I have experienced. When I have wanted to give up I just pressed in all the more. There comes a time when we are rewarded for our pressing in and stirring up for new and wonderful things in Christ. This year is different. Normally God gives me a scripture verse is kinda like a theme for me to ponder on and I ponder on. Much of my healing journey has been spent in a very traditionally Catholic form of meditation called Lectio Divina. Lectio Divina is latin for divine reading and divine it has been. Before I continue let me say this, I didn't start the practice of Lectio Divina because of my roots in the Catholic church and I didn't start practicing it because somebody challenged me to. It was truly a divine occurance. I was not raised Catholic, although my Grandmother was a devout Roman Catholic and my father was raised Catholic and I guess you could say in some ways my father was only Catholic by name only... I would attend midnight mass for Christmas Eve and a part of me really enjoyed attending midnight mass. I can't remember the last time I attended a midnight mass. My devout Grandmother pretty much passed away as she was pondering the word of the Lord and praying while preparing her heart and mind to receive the word of the Lord for that day. You know, that is the way I'd like to go.. from glory to glory to glory! I look at my Grandmother and see a woman with her own set of weaknesses but I also see a heritage that I received from her, the fruit of her prayers no doubt have kept my heart soft towards the leading of the Holy Spirit. In my own brokenness and hurtful experience with the church there was nothing in me that really desired to read the bible. I couldn't open the bible, I couldn't read the bible for any lengthy period of time, I was exhausted... what I craved wasn't the logos word, what I craved was the Rhema word of God, His living word. I was tired of theology and doctrine I desired something much deeper and more profound then understanding systematic theology. And after picking up the bible and throwing it away multiple times I asked the Lord to draw me towards His word that I may keep His word written in my heart. And so the Lord would bring to mind scripture verses. At first I would recall one of the hundreds of scripture verses I knew in my mind but only part and it drew me towards opening up the bible and searching for the verse that was in my heart and after finding the verse I would ponder that verse. I would ponder and meditate on that one verse over and over again until another verse would be highlighted and it all connected with each other but it seemed all the scripture verses that would come to mind would focus on one particular verse or a couple different verses. I would allow for the Spirit of God to speak to me through the scripture as I meditated on His word in the practice of lectio divina. I was never able to read the scripture the same again after spending a couple of years of this. Days would go by and I'd be spending night and day in God's word without physically opening up the bible and there would be moments where the truth would penetrate my heart and once again my heart being softened after a couple of years of allowing for my heart to become hardened and jaded by disappointing experiences. It was really a divine reading because the Spirit of God met with me in this season. This is the first time since actively practicing what I now know as lectio divina where the Lord has given me a song for the year instead of a verse.

Here's my song for the year... just click on the link to watch the video...

Deep Cries out - Bethel Church, Redding California

I've got a river of living water
A fountain that never will run dry
It's an open heaven You're releasing
And we will never be denied

Cause we're stirring up deep deep wells
We're stirring up deep deep waters
We're gonna dance in the river, dance in the river
Cause we're stirring up deep deep wells
We're stirring up deep deep waters
We're gonna jump in the river, jump in the river

Deep cries out to deep cries out to
Deep cries out to deep cries out to
We cry out to we cry out to you Jesus

We're falling into deeper waters
calling out to you
We're walking into deeper waters
going after you

If He goes to the left then we go to the left
If He goes to the right then we go to the right
We're gonna jump jump jump in the river

When I pondered some of the message of this song I had a scripture verse come to mind...

Psalm 30:11-12

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;

You have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,

that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever

I can remember a time in worship... dancing like nobody is watching and it dawned on me the joy that I had felt deep within, a joy that was unreal and a joy that I had never experienced before and in that moment the Lord spoke me and said, "I have turned your mourning into dancing and the spirit of heaviness for gladness..." and when I realized a marked difference... from mourning to dancing, from complete and utter depression so dark I got swept away with suicidal thoughts to the wonder of God's deliverance work in my life that I could be set free from such a dark dark depression to experience a joy that surpassed any grief and sorrow I had felt in years past. With that understanding and recognition I crumbled into a ball on the floor and just began to weep in the realization of God's healing work in my life. I spent my youth using tranquilizers to lower my anxiety and I spent my youth and the time in my early 20's off and on anti-depressants. When I told a friend I was taking myself off my medication they kinda looked at me with this look on their face, "ummm... that's just not wisdom talking there... I mean, you really need the meds and you're taking yourself off? Does your doctor know about this?" Well... I'm in my 7th year without medication. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that when there is a need for medication one should be on medication but I'm not for medication when what a person really needs is deliverance. And let me tell you, this whole journey has not been a walk in the park. I spent my time grieving my losses and dealing with the pain I had spent a life time running away from.

While at the New Year celebration singing Deep Cries Out I began pondering this last year...

the difficulty and the challenges... contending for my health was one of those challenges. With the New Year also comes a reflection for me towards a new year for me as I turn another year older. My birthday is in the middle of February and so I began to ponder the fact that I'm turning another year older. I'll be 34 this February and it's a milestone year for me in many ways. The first is I have now outlived my Mother, currently by just a little over one month. I can't begin to describe how eerie it feels to know I have lived longer then my own Mother. And it was a sad realization to recognize how young my Mother had been when she passed away. I did say I had a bitter-sweet moment. After a year of contending for my health, not knowing what was wrong and just feeling like I was contending for my life really... I had this revelation of life just beginning and the Lord having more in store for me. For the first time ever I was actually able to see hope for my future and I am beginning to make plans for my future and beginning to reach my goals.

I am learning the difficult task of stability and enjoying the challenges of reaching my goals.

I am living in the now and not waiting to live.

The Cost to Intimacy

2012-01-02T02:19:00.000-08:00

I recently heard a preacher talking about the cost to intimacy. As a spring board to his message he quoted Jesus, "if you love me you'll obey me" Cultivating intimacy shouldn't be narrowed down to a walk of obedience. If we love the Lord then you will see the "fruit" of one's devotion and admiration but cultivating intimacy goes far beyond obedience. I can't say that I entirely disagreed with the preacher but what I can say is that there were some pretty fundamental truths that were, unfortunately, neglected. What was neglected was a love relationship that runs deeper then works of obedience. Salvation costs us nothing but following Jesus will cost us everything.

What is the cost to intimacy?

It is first the willingness to turn away from the counterfeit.

The cost to intimacy is more then just a commitment, it is more then just doing what is right and pursuing a faith that involves obedience as much as it does commitment. What is the cost to intimacy? It is first the willingness to turn away from the counterfeit. For those relationally and sexually broken it is very easy and quote natural to turn an intimate relationship into a set of rules and regulations... don't do that but do this? It is natural to turn an intimate relationship with Jesus into rules and regulations because rules and regulations is safe and it provides some kind of structure, it shows Christian maturity, growth, and it will show others strength. We all like to posses strength and we all like to be the one that everyone can look to as being the one who has it all together, the one who's mature, the strong good Christian but none of this can built an authentic and intimate relationship with Jesus when we're wired to only receive when we're doing good and when we're doing what is right... so when failure comes along or when expectations aren't met our entire world shatters because we've just built our entire relationship on our obedience and maturity, as if to say that intimacy with our Papa God is conditional upon our obedience. Here is the reason I say that the cost to intimacy is in turning away from the counterfeit. The counterfeit can be any number of different things including obedience. This is not to negate the value and importance of cultivating a faith that is walked out in obedience. For many can live a committed and obedient faith in Jesus and still have yet to really tap into the place of intimacy with Papa God!

The place of intimacy is a place of knowing.

There is something to be said about being at a place of having a level of self awareness. Having an awareness of how we're wired to respond and an awareness of the deficits we've experienced in our core fundamental and primal relationships will undoubtedly begin to enable us to have a better understanding of our particular needs and it may enable us to recognize and discern the counterfeit and how it is manifested in our relationships.

Pornography and sexual addiction and even promiscuous behavior is perhaps the most overt counterfeit to intimacy. People trade in 3 dimensional relating for 1 dimensional relating... they seek a relationship with somebody that has been created by their own fantasy rather than engaging with people from the place of real and authentic relating. Well, the fantasy is a safe world but real and authentic relating allows for rejection and rejection means pain. The fantasy means power and an illusion that is fueled by some made up self when real authentic relating is raw and uncovered and very real... it includes the pretty and the not so pretty... it involves everything... it involves knowing every curve and every flawed piece in existence... perhaps this is why connecting with another sexually can be the place where intimacy and vulnerability is felt the most. It is also for this very reason that God, the one who created the very act of sex placed boundaries with the when and where this act can be or should be experienced. When experienced outside of what God intended, the act of sex becomes more superficial and instead of it being a place where intimacy and vulnerability is felt the most it becomes the place where one can feel the most disconnected and used for the selfish gain of the other. When God intended for sexual intimacy to bring two people closer together separating oneself from one sexual partner to the other becomes emotionally draining, you can only spread yourself out so far and you cannot be so disillusioned with the fact that a piece of you will be forever with that person you've shared that intimate moment with and that will be carried into the next relationship and then the next and the next and one has to acknowledge that all of this will eventually be brought into marriage... we were wired to have one sexual partner and our bodies were physically wired and created with parts two men or two women will always be a counterfeit to what God created. You know what counterfeit is defined as? It is defined as something being made in exact imitation of something valuable or important with the intention to deceive or defraud. The counterfeit is only a counterfeit when it is really close to the real thing, so much so that it is possible for one to be mistaken to be the other.

Cultivating a place of intimacy with Papa God requires something of us... it requires a willingness to confront our weaknesses and vulnerabilities in the presence of Papa God.

The only way to confront our weaknesses and vulnerability in the presence of Papa God is to unveil oneself and to allow oneself to stand naked before Papa God enabling for Him to see everything including every flaw there is to be seen. It means to stand before God without our good works to cover up every part of us that we don't like and then receiving the love of Papa God and becoming secure in the love of Papa God... one cannot help but to be secure in the love of Papa God when you have experienced His love without doing anything to earn His love. And when you begin to live life from this place of security... wow... a new identity is formed and when a new identity is formed life begins to be lived differently. Intimacy is cultivated within a deep place of knowing and the fruit of that deep place of knowing is a ultimately a changed life and that changed life will produce a faith that is walked out in obedience to Christ but obedience to Christ may not necessarily be what leads to intimacy with Papa God. The cost to intimacy means the surrendering of all things and everything that is counterfeit to the real thing. The only way we know that we have the real thing and not the counterfeit is that we've come to this deep place of knowing and being known with flaws and all and in that place receiving the love of Papa God. The love of Papa God is unconditional but so many Pastors make the love of Papa God conditional and intimacy with Him conditional upon our obedience when the only cost to intimacy is vulnerability and coming before Papa God not with our good works but just as we are, loved as we are, adored as we, and just as we are beloved. He loves us just as we are but loves us too much to keep us the same. We will change not by behavior modification in the hopes that Papa would love us and visit us but we will change because Papa does love us and has and will continue to visit us and walk with us and it is in that place Papa shows not only who we are but who's we are and a new identity is formed.

I once read an article where it was said that Prince William didn't have in mind to be an heir to the British throne and I wasn't entirely surprised when Prince William married a commoner. What a ferry tale picture this is... the Prince getting married to a commoner. But with a commoner becoming royalty I am certain there is a new identity formed--from commoner to royalty. If you think of some ordinary girl dreaming for her big wedding day and then to be greeted with a ferry tale ending. OK, in all reality with the tabloids that make up funny crap and rumors of Kate struggling with everything that Diana struggled with it can all get pretty stupid if you ask me. The reality is, on the flip side of the ferry tale wedding there is real life, the stigma and marginalization associated with riches and celebrity fan fair... there is a Kate that Prince William knows and a Kate that the public knows and we have seen only one part of her not who she is fully... however, going back to transitioning from commoner to royalty, you will live differently as royalty and it will never be as the commoner even if the commoner was still from a rich family.

In Christ we are royalty and in Christ we have been given a new identity and when we begin to live our lives from a place of having received a new identity it is inevitable that how life is lived will change.

What's coming up - Unmasking the Jezebel Spirit

2012-01-01T05:32:00.000-08:00

A couple of months ago I tried to be a little more disciplined with my blog writing. I am still aiming to write something on a regular basis and so here it goes. Before I mentioned writing up a book review on the last Monday of every month and so the last Monday of January will be on the 30th so stay tuned for my monthly book reviews. I have picked out a book to review. It's a relatively short book though a very condensed book for sure. I'm actually looking forward to reading this book. The forward of the book was written by Lou Engle. I suppose if you're really into the National Prayer Movement and more of the charasmatic circles these names are familiar to you. One really might not know what they're getting into when they commit to reading a book titled, "Unmasking the Jezebel Spirit," It has that kind of title that probably would have a tendency to either scare some readers away, or if you're crazy enough to actually read it. Or you're in the position of wanting to understand how to break free from the Jezebel Spirit. From my understanding the Jezebel Spirit and the Religious Spirit go hand in hand, if not one the other... tricky nonetheless. Often times when people are bound and trapped within sexual brokenness especially in the area of addiction there is this stronghold that has gripped the heart and mind of the individual to the point of giving in and instead of being a free agent and free to make right choices there is something that always pulls some individuals away, it has become a deeper issue then simply something of a temptation but rather a stronghold, a bondage, this is when one persons control to stop becomes nearly impossible and really takes an act of God's grace to break the individual free. Well, just to fill you in on what is to come with this review... here is a list of the names of each chapter...

1. An age of Apostasy

2.Unholy Alliances

3. A Corrupting Influence

4. Spinning the Web of deceit

5. The Seductive face of Jezebel

6. Deadly Ploys

7. Uncovering the Roots

8. The Point of No Return

9. The Heart of the Matter

10. Preparing to Minister to the Wounded

11. Dismantling Jezebel's Mantle

12. Reclaiming Followers of Jezebel.

Just to give you an idea of the kind of book this is, here's a quote from the beginning of what John Paul Jackson writes,

"It was an age of Apostasy. A nation whom God had called to be His own turned against Him. They exchanged their worship of God for the idols of a People they had once conquered in His name. The King who ruled Israel was the son of a man who gained his Kingship through assassination. His name, Ahab, was to become a synonym for evil. Behind the corruption of Ahab's throne was a woman--Jezebel. Hoping to expand her power by marrying Ahab, she brought destruction on the Israelites. This destruction came through her fanatical devotion to the false gods--Baal, the male deity of power and sexuality, and Ashtoreth, the female goddes of fertility, love, and war. Baal and Ashtoreth rituals involved depraved and licentious sexual practices and abominations....against this abomination, God raised up the prophet Elijah who challenged Ahab and destroyed the prophets of Baal on Mt Carmel. As a countermove, Satan raised up his messanger to silence God's prophetic voice. It came through Ahab's wife--Queen Jezebel.... We are living in an age of apostasy. Our society has turned its back on God. Sin has infected the body of Christ and its leaders. However, in the midst of incredible decadence and depravity of our day, God is raising up a prophetic generation that will carry the spirit of Elijah."

Ummm... ya, not exactly a light read that's for sure :)

And well, it's certainly not a read for the faint of heart. I suspect this book, knowing the personality and character of John Paul Jackson and also Lou Engle, there will be difficult words to swallow but these difficult words of truth need to be spoken because it is only when deceptive ways are exposed that make possible one's ability to walk into freedom. The bible says, "you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free," we really need to be a generation that embraces truth regardless of how difficult it is to hear. It is in hearing, receiving, and believing in truth that sets the captive heart free to embrace the fullness of what God has for us... but truth has a way of offending the heart that is devoted to the worship of Baal and whether or not a person knows their heart is devoted to Baal or not, it is in deception that Jezebel gains a foothold and when a stronghold is formed... so one may be offended by truth and not even know that their heart is devoted to Baal but this stands to reason when people become offended and do everything to silence the voices of individuals when they begin to take a stand for righteousness, holiness, and purity... all things in direct conflict with anything and everything against the prophets of Baal.

Many say, this form of idol worship (bowing down to idols made with wood and stone) is no longer being practiced in today's day and age. Well, all you have to do is visit a Hare Krishna temple to see before your own eyes the idol worship. I know, a number of years ago I visited a Hare Krishna temple and besides, whether one bows down before actual images made from wood and stone or whether these images is something less overt and more subtle like the idols that we construct in our own minds of created things either things created from wood and stone or perhaps animals and other human beings.

The image of Baal was the male reproductive organ and Ashtoreth the image of female breasts. The gay subculture is so sexualized it's not even funny. If you attend any gay pride parade it's very likely that you'd see images of male reproductive organs being made from balloons and men and women dancing around seductively with the balloons! And well, if you ever see the gay pride parade in Vancouver then you know the whole beginning of the whole parade is traditional "dykes on bikes" where lesbians sport around on motor bikes or any kind of wheals and ride around topless exposing their breasts to everyone in the public. AND THEY CALL THIS A FAMILY EVENT !? And even if one says they are a Christian and state the claim that being a gay Christian consists of different morals... well, to some degree I would say OK... but I know a plenty few who worship the expression of their sexuality even among those who claim to be Christian... even the gay affirming churches participate in these gay pride events which tells me there isn't as much of a separation between the gay christian movement and those, men and women, who parade around with plastic balloon dildos. And there are many heterosexual individuals in the church just as guilty and they too are at these parades and many even encouraging such behavior or perhaps so deceptive that they've become self righteous hypocrites.

I don't know about you but I think this is going to be a very interesting read! :)

Dare I Make a New Years Resolution?

2011-12-31T17:22:00.000-08:00

As I look back and think about what things have gone well for me and what things were a bit of a challenge. Last year I didn't want to make a New Years Resolution because, well, everybody knows that people don't generally keep their new years resolution. And this year is no different, except now I tell myself that my new years resolutions have to do with a lifestyle change. It's manageable when we view our resolutions as a lifestyle change as opposed to setting some kind of goal that is pretty well impossible to attain or keep up. Perhaps, the problem isn't so much with keeping new years resolutions and more about making more realistic resolutions and not basing perfect performance with a pass or fail, is there such a thing as a perfect performance? Yes there is...when we have given something we believe in our all then we have reached perfection in what it is we seek to accomplish. We can't really expect anything more then to just simply doing our best. And instead of trying to reach the expectations of others or even your own high expectations just give it your all and see how we will be blessed when that is what we seek and when we've done our best then we can take that to be the an accomplished task that was well done. So here is what I hope to accomplish and set in place for this year.

What is a New Years Resolution without the traditional -- gotta lose weight! :)

Over the last few years I've been making some real lifestyle changes, some very radical lifestyle changes. I can remember a time when I eat out at fast food restaurants some times multiple times a day just because it was quick and it was food, some kinda of filler. And not only did I eat out A LOT I drank at least 2 pots of coffee a day and the only exercise I did had only been work related... no amount of jogging, running, or even walking wouldn't help with one's health given all the fatty foods, carbs, and sugar that I eat. Not only that but I smoked close to 2 packs a day. Needless to say, things are radically different but not before having gained a lot of weight and dealing with the consequences of living such an unhealthy lifestyle. That all said, about 6 years ago I began to make serious changes in my lifestyle. Making the decision to journey out of homosexuality was just one of many things I chose to walk away from. I mean, the changes I have seen take place in my life is much more broad then any shifting that may or may not take place with my attractions. Same sex attraction is just on the surface of things that run much deeper. Weight gain is one of those things as well. Often times we want to lose weight but never really touch on the things under the surface that lead to the weight gain in the first place. For many people weight gain is just one of many ways of covering up and one of protecting self, much the same way as a woman hides her femininity by developing a pseudo masculine posture. I am much more determined these days to lose the weight. I am doing this for me which is just one way of respecting my body and taking care of myself. I should learn to love myself well, I'm not talking about self acceptance and loving self I'm talking about treating myself with dignity and living with dignity... and the start of which taking care of my body in such a way that I will lose the fat and begin to look great! Gone are the days of being told I have a nice smile and here comes the days when I begin to hear others tell me how great I look! :)

I am going to find ways to embrace femininity in ways I hadn't before, making an effort towards leaving behind ways of self protection and becoming OK with vulnerability.

I haven't made an effort to wear makeup and even though I have changed the kinds of clothes I wear I am feeling the desire to bring out what is feminine in me and allow for people to see that part of me. I have heard it said that 9 times out of 10 how feelings usually follow our actions. When we're stuck behind ways of protecting self and covering up there really is no other way to really dare to encounter Jesus and others in relationship in the places we feel most vulnerable. With me, that involves making some more changes with my clothing as well as makeup... OK just the thought of it is bringing levels of anxiety and that's how I know this is the right step for me. The only thing is, there really is a level of ambivalence being felt but I dare to press through that ambivalence and instead of covering up I think there is something to be said when a woman is able to embrace femininity... the more we're able to embrace our femininity the deeper our healing has come and the more we're able to come to the place of being OK being a woman and knowing at a deeper level that it is good to be a woman.

I've decided to join a woman's bible study / small group at church.

Lord help me with this one. Just recently I connected with a couple of women at church and have discussed the possibility of joining their women's group. I don't know about this... there is some sort of contract they ask members of this group to sign, it is to help maintain confidentiality within the small group. Perhaps this is exactly what I have needed. One tool that is great for those who are committing to journey out of homosexuality is really to take a look at the deficits we've experienced especially when it comes to our need of being affirmed by members of our gender. It is healthy to be able to connect with people of the same gender and perhaps the safest place especially for those struggling with ssa and issues of gender identity is in a group setting and even better when that group setting is centered around Christian fellowship and meeting a diverse group of women all coming from different walks of life. While I'm not going to share detailed information about this group I will most definitely reflect on my feelings, emotions, and things I've processed as I venture into meeting with the group of women from church. We're all roughly the same age and so I don't think I'm going to be the senior in the group, at least I hope I'm not. When I connect with the young adults group at church I'm more or less the senior and so if there are women who are closer to 30 in this group, or even perhaps closer to 40 I'd be thrilled! I'll have to wait and see what the dynamics of this group are. Here is another place where I am beginning to experience a level of ambivalence. This year may be the year of ambivalence and so I'm telling myself that being ambivalent is OK, that is where I am at and I'm fine with that. The hope is to eventually move passed this ambivalence to feeling more comfortable within my own body and my own skin especially within the context of meeting with other women. Given the fact that my experience, more often then not has been quite volatile and unpredictable... even my history with other women within the context of church hasn't been the best, there have been moments of healing but as much as there have been moments that have brought healing there have been moments that really make me want to shrink back and engage in areas I'm more comfortable with, like perhaps start hangin out with the guys! Did I ever mention on a blog that I have always much preferred to work with men? Well, I do, I have not had a good history with other women but I refuse to let that dictate my future relating and the blessing it could be for me to being apart of this small group. I just have one prayer.. I really hope and pray to God this group isn't filled with a bunch of co-dependent women because if that's the case then I will be abandoning ship once again. The last thing I can handle at the moment are co-dependent women and unfortunately there tends to be a lot of co-dependent women in the church. At the very least, I hope there is a good well rounded number of women in this group who are healthy enough to have a good sense of their own strengths and weaknesses when it comes to relating with other women. Lord help me.

Anyways, it is New Years Eve and I'm off to bring in the New Year at an all nighter worship event. :)

"It Didn't Work For Me" Is Only An Excuse

2011-12-29T04:12:00.000-08:00

I mentioned previous times before but I'll say this again and will continue to say it as long as I need to and as long as it applies to something that has been on my heart and in my mind or if it applies within certain conversations. I had a personal encounter with Jesus at the age of 5. I came to believe in Jesus and from that day forward I had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. As the years unfolded and as I grew in my faith and committed myself to discipleship and community my understanding grew and along with my understanding grew also came a deepening commitment and greater understanding of what that commitment called me towards. That particular commitment called me towards surrender and one of self sacrifice. It was never one of suppressing my feelings and emotions, it was my brokenness that caused me to suppress and my brokenness that hindered my ability to really connect on an emotional level. Acknowledging the reality and presence of emotions doesn't mean that we have to allow for our emotions and feelings to dictate and govern our choices and behavior. We can choose to act differently even though our emotions and feelings may lead us away from what God intends for us. Just because we feel a certain way that doesn't necessarily mean that is what God intends. As for myself I live my life by faith in God's word the bible, I live my life through the lens of my faith which is stable and stead not like the ways in which I can experience my sexuality which tends to be more fluid. I don't believe that God created homosexuality I believe it's much much more complicated then that. I am free to be OK with people who say they can't change their sexual orientation and we're all accountable to the choices we make in life and that includes how we respond to our feelings and emotions as well as attractions. I am OK with people who will say that for them change was not possible although I might continue to believe that they could be settling for something less than what could be. What I am not OK with is when people suggest that their experience in their attractions is somehow universal when there are thousands upon thousands of individuals who can personally testify to the fact that the inability to change is not a universal truth so therefore we must leave it alone at such but gay activists aren't exactly happy to just leave it alone because it exposes some of the lies believed within the agenda of gay activism. If change is possible for some then homosexuality is not an innate characteristic, at least, not enough to stake a claim for homosexuality to enter the civil rights movement it then remains as a moral and ethical choice for people to want to either embrace or reject as they wish and more often then not people will allow for their religious beliefs to inform their decisions as to whether or not they will embrace the gay lifestyle. Growing up in the church while struggling with same sex attraction isn't exactly the easiest thing in the world. It's real struggle especially when at a very young age there is a strong conviction that homosexuality is not compatible with the Christian faith. When I was 14 I came to believe that I didn't have to be gay. I began to develop what I now know to be as a post gay biblical world view. I had no clue back then that ministries like Exodus (Exodus Global Alliance) even existed and hadn't heard of the word post gay let alone ex-gay. I just figured that being gay was a label and I either allowed for my feelings to define me or find my identity somewhere else. It was in the mentoring I received from my youth pastor and his wife that challenged me within the context of relationship and discipleship, to find my identity in Christ. It is basic discipleship that really will sets us up with a foundation that will either be in Jesus Christ and in His word or we'll be set up to stand on shifting sand or be thrown around by the waves as they come crashing upon our the shorelines of our soul allowing for doubt and confusion to dictate future choices and current beliefs or we'll become grounded in our faith and relationship with Jesus Christ and when the waves come crashing along our shoreline we'll have a strong anchor in Christ and a solid foundation in God's word.

It was about a year later I was watching the Oprah Winfrey Show and saw the founders of Love Won Out. Back then Focus On The Family had been facilitating LWO but in recent years Exodus has been facilitating. From the moment I saw the couple being interviewed I began listening to Focus On The Family on a regular basis. It was then I began allowing for authors of books to mentor me... and if that concept could be really truly embraced then I could say that I've allowed myself to be mentored by some incredible people but I didn't know any of them. A few short years later I became more aware of the ministry of Exodus and decided one day that I would somehow get to know more about the ministry and the people involved. I can't remember if I have the year right or not but I think it was 2004 maybe 2005, 10 years after coming to believe that I didn't have to be gay I finally went to a mini conference. I had followed Exodus from a distance but this time I wanted to see the people involved. At the time I was working graveyard shifts at a casino, contract security work. I had put in an application for a vacation but I somehow thought that my application wouldn't be accepted but I knew that I needed to be at that conference. So, without trying to find out whether or not my vacation was approved I just boarded the first Greyhound bus I could across Canada from Vancouver to Toronto where they hosted the conference which was at Tyndale University. I figured I had a 50/50 chance at keeping my job and perhaps they would extend grace to me when I return.

I really didn't know my fate with my job or my employer when I would return but I figured I'd cross that bridge when it came. So I left and on Greyhound travelling along the Trans Canada Highway, there came my security crew pulling over the bus to escort me back home!

Actually, no that didn't happen but my supervisor did tell me my first shift back on duty that he was really close to chasing down that Greyhound bus because as it turned out, since my vacation was in fact that approved there was nobody to cover my shift. I was told after that to never just assume that my vacation would be approved. You know, vacation should be a right of every employee, in some countries it's actually mandatory. I was only gone for a week and a half and I had been employed by that company for a couple of years by that time and I had never once requested time off or a vacation. Today the company is much more lenient with giving vacation time. I know that unless I put in a request early enough chances are the vacation is approved but back then they never gave vacations especially in the middle of summer. Well, I tortured myself travelling for 4 days and 3 nights non-stop on Greyhound, what I sight I must have been knowing that I needed a shower but there I was early with just enough time to get my room, shower, and head down to the cafeteria for dinner. People always talk about their first time experiencing an Exodus conference, it's usually greeted with a lot of anxiety and this is why I particularly really like what would happen my first meal. Since it was a conference in Canada it was a small conference and so it was more of an intimate type gathering of a couple hundred in attendance or something like that. Now that I've experienced an Exodus Freedom Conference in California Tyndale was small in comparison. I traveled to this conference alone, nobody knew back home that I was even in attendance at an Exodus conference and even with work I gave a pretty vague reason in going to Toronto. I think I said I went to go spend the week with friends. I thought, well, maybe I'd meet some new friends there. So, being the natural introvert that I am I grabbed my tray and dinner and found the first group that seemed friendly enough to allow for me to join them... ummm not easy for an introvert that's for sure. This group of individuals were relaxed and friendly and they seemed welcoming and that is exactly what I needed. Anyways, I began to eat my dinner and I began to hear stories of being in ministry and well, I had just finished spending some time at Bible College and so I became somewhat used to gathering with Pastors and church leaders. So I thought, perhaps they were Pastors and I thought well, that was great! Now they can go back to their churches and maybe be better equipped to minister to those struggling. The guy sitting next to me was super hilarious. He was absolutely the funniest guy I had ever met. And then he talked about his face being plastered all over on bill boards as an ex-gay speaker... it was only at that point I then began to question who on earth I was siting at that table with. I began to look around and I finally clued it realizing that I was siting at the table with all the speakers that Exodus had brought in including that funny guy siting next to me I later was introduced to, the none other than Sy Rogers. I seriously had no clue who Sy Rogers was at all but suddenly Exodus wasn't so much about an agenda or even about a message. Suddenly Exodus became about real people with a real story of redemption and healing that was so obvious but I saw the heart of those involved with Exodus. I don't know about you but when you're willing to have your life be put on display and mocked at because you want people to know the same freedom that you have experience, I don't know about you but to me that speaks to something far beyond any agenda it speaks to the reality that there is healing and freedom to be found in Christ from homosexuality but it would come at a great cost. That year I was able to see past the conference and see the individual person, truthfully my most encouraging moment that conference wasn't necessarily seeing a couple hundred people there worshiping God and encountering Christ though we worshiped God and we encountered Christ. My most encouraging moment was that first meal and being given a gift if you will by these individuals, the speakers, the Exodus Global Alliance staff... I heard stories, super funny stories and I heard the stories that spoke of the challenges especially being involved in such a high profile ministry and trying to raise a family. I'll never forget that meal shared and the stories I heard. To follow Christ comes at a great cost. It's not about whether or not it works, it works plain and simple but truth is, we don't always like the way it works. When we try to make it work into our cultural perceptions and try to make it fit within the scope of our often times narrow perspectives it won't work. Following Christ in obedience works every time but the question is, will we embrace obedience even when the sacrifice seems too great? Being a living sacrifice isn't exactly a feel good exercise. Coming to a place of wholeness in Christ relationally and sexually is a byproduct of a life that is willing to trust in the Lord and in His word in such a way that we walk in absolute obedience even when things don't make sense. I believe that people begin a journey of healing but they walk away because the journey itself becomes too painful, their painful emotions surface, their struggles increase, they're more in touch with their emotions, and they're more in touch with everything they lack in life and everything they've missed out on in life. I know, I was there and I can still from time to time find myself in that exact place.

You know when somebody breaks their bone in order to fix a broken bone often times you have to apply what's called a traction. A traction that is applies with take the two ends of the limb that is broken and like a vice will begin to stretch the limb out and basically setting the bone back in place. Often times, when a broken bone is severed and the two broken ends are rubbing up against each other the traction itself will cause greater pain but it's a necessary pain in order to not only restore blood flow into the injured limb but to also enable to bone to heal right and if blood flow isn't restored then you begin to experience tissue death which may lead to the death of the limb and the eventual amputation of that limb, it dies because oxygen can't get to the capillaries of that limb and eventually there is loss of blood until the person reaches the point of no return in the state of shock, pending on the severity of the broken limb and the location the bone is broken. For example, two femur bones broken is part of the rapid transport category because two femurs broken means major blood loss, and the same goes if both humerus bones are broken. It was interesting watching an older sister of mine try to get her first aid ticket. She has absolutely no ability to physically hurt an individual and so you know, when somebody complains of pain her initial response to do whatever she can to alleviate the pain but you know there are times when working as a first aid attendant or paramedic you have to be able to deal with your life saving techniques creating more pain, like the traction... it is a necessary thing to do at times. Usually just before applying any kind of technique that I know will cause a bit of pain to the patient I will always tell the patient what I am going to do and I tell them point blank this will be painful but you will be more comfortable in the long run and while it will be painful this will actually relieve the pain and allow for greater healing... in worst case scenarios ... you don't want to have this limb be re-broken and re-set... to have your bone re-broken is much worse then applying the traction now or your choice, if you want to save your limb. Or, when cleaning a wound, especially if gravel is lodged inside the wound you have to get the gravel out and salt water solution doesn't exactly feel good on a wound but necessary to prevent infection. When somebody begins to journey through a place of inner healing and when a person begins to actually walk away from coping mechanisms and away from everything that has only numbed the pain it's only natural for the pain to re-surface and for one to become more sensitive after one removes every avoiding and coping mechanism. Of course struggles will increase, of course the pain will be felt in deeper and more profound ways. The mistake people make is to place a time limit on how long that part of the journey should last. After applying the traction the limb isn't instantaneously healed. This isn't to say that I don't believe in instantaneous healing because I do I just know that in conventional methods it takes time for a broken bone to heal. I was in that cast for a couple of weeks maybe even longer. At the time I was about 3 and too small for crutches and too small for a wheal chair and so I got carried everywhere I went. I remember falling off the trampoline and getting tangled in the springs and my scream when I finally landed on the ground. You know what bugged me more so than the initial sharp pain of my bone snapping? That would be the frustration of wearing a cast. It was more torturous to wear the cast then it was to have my leg broken. The healing process bugged me more. Do you know what it is like to have an itch that you just can't get to? Even with a coat hanger being shoved down it was never quite enough. When my leg could feel the air for the first time I felt so much relief, I think I rubbed away and then fell back with this great big exhale... Finally!! It's off!!

When I find that I'm struggling a lot it takes a while but eventually I come around and I'm able to see and able to become quite overwhelmed with my incredible need. There is one need we all have and I believe that this is one key factor that will trigger same sex attraction, legitimate needs that have gone unmet particularly the need that we all have when it comes to connecting with those of the same gender. We all need to be able to find healthy ways to connect with, to share life with and to be able to enjoy each others company, to encourage one another in our life journey and just be friends and sisters. I really believe, in fact, it's been my observation that most lesbian women don't really know how to connect with other women without the involvement of sex or at the very least without some kind of emotional dependency or defensive detachments going on or emotional enmeshment happening. As a woman being friends with other women, this is perhaps one of the most difficult types of relationships to navigate through, it could just be because of our complex nature as women. As women there are actually more things that bring a sense of commonality then things that expose differences. The major struggle isn't so much in what separates us and what makes us feel different but rather it's in the difficulty of being able to see what makes us all similar. If you ever spend time with a group of ladies then you'll know that there is such diversity among us as women. The number of factor that has changed for me is that fact that now I see the similarities and the what I see in me that differs isn't what defines me as a woman. I do have to admit though, I've recently been struggling a lot lately and I mean a lot. I've been wading through some pretty intense feelings and emotions and I'm once again reminded of what I lack in life but it's not sending me down into the pit of despair I'm simply bringing this need that I have to Jesus and I'm voicing to him what I lack. Recently. I've decided to try and connect with a woman's bible study / small group at church. I really don't know how that will play out but I'm going ahead with meeting with the leaders of the group and will more then likely next week be joining this group of ladies. I am hoping that this will be exactly what I have been needing. I'm not looking for super close friendship. I am just looking for ways to engage in community with other women because what I need is exactly that. I am hoping that I am a good fit with this women's group. So, anyways, I'll try it out and hopefully there will be a good diverse mix of ladies because I am not going to gather around with a bunch of valley girls, if you know what I mean. I'll let you know how it goes with this women's group but over the last few months I've been praying to be apart of a woman's group at church so it would be nice if this group for me would be a good fit. It's helpful that my church is not a stranger to being a welcoming place for those relationally and sexually broken and so in my opinion the church is one of the leading churches when it comes to dealing with issues of homosexuality and sexuality in general. And with that in mind I don't think that this group of women would be uncomfortable with my story. I did share my testimony at church a while back and so it is possible that a few may know me and my background. To be honest, I'm kinda hoping that these women already know me and my background because I would much rather come into the group and not feel as if I have to hide certain aspects of what I can struggle with and perhaps this could be a safe group to be me and be welcomed into community without having to present myself as somebody I'm not. They want honesty but the question is, to what extent? I guess I will soon find out if they're surface level or not but I would like to contribute and the only way is to really come with what my faith journey and with lessons learned along my faith journey. I really don't want to enter this group and overwhelm the ladies with my incredible need I want to be able to engage from a position of being able to contribute as well. I believe this could be a good starting point for deepening my relationship with Jesus and perhaps I might also experience a deepening work of healing in my own life through this as well. Here's hoping and believing for a good year to come.

New Creation - Leaving Behind Lesbianism

2011-12-27T06:17:00.000-08:00

I just stumbled upon this article titled The Flight of Femininity (This is who I am series)... I don't know why I seem to forget some of these practical insights for women leaving behind lesbianism. Is it just me or does it seem like there is actually little in the way of resources for women leaving lesbianism in comparison to resources for men who decide to journey out of homosexuality. I once read in a book, paraphrased... it seems to be more difficult for women to leave behind lesbianism then it is for men to leave homosexuality. While the journey men is from weakness to strength, for women it is leaving behind self protection to vulnerability. Often times I get caught up in my head because I want to understand my struggle and most importantly I want to leave my struggle behind and once and for all be secure, not lacking anything, and feel safe enough to be real and authentic in relationship.

I want to be me, I want to be, I want to rest, I want friendship... but wow it really does take a certain amount of vulnerability especially for one who has always experienced a somewhat hostile and volatile environment around other women.

And it's been pressed upon my heart with greater clarity over the last few months as to how incredibly important it is for me to really somehow open up and allow myself to be vulnerable and do my part to grow a healthy group of female friends I can share my life with... it's a level of companionship and just simply, well... enjoying the occasional girl talk and being comfortable with the fact that it's alright to let a friend know she looks really attractive in a dress and not be afraid that the comment would be twisted into some kind of twisted and sexualized comment when it's not... in fact, interesting enough, when I can feel my ability to let my walls down and compliment friends, let them know I really like the dress they're wearing or their earings, or keep on learning what certain accessories are so I don't have to say... you know, "that piece of fabric you have over your shoulders.... " I still don't know what you would call it... but hey the more I interact with women who know something about fashion and the more I'm willing to learn a thing or two about the fashion the more I'm able to interact with other women in ways and on levels I've never been able to. The first block really wasn't so much that I knew nothing about accessories and women's fashion but rather I knew more about military bdu pants and gorilla warfare of the relational kind if you will. Let's face it, most men don't like talking about makeup and most women aren't interested in the latest military boots or cargo pants that are on sale at the nearest army surplus store.

The day I stopped wearing cargo pants! Unless you're somebody like Sandra Bullock or Angelina Jolie you're just not going to look good in cargo pants!

I'm actually quite comfortable with the fact that I'm completely ok with that. Now, I think, like quite a few other women, I would really like to look more like them and to have a body like them. I can remember, when I was reaching oh 250 lbs and very Transgendered at the time I wanted to lose weight really badly. I was with a few friends one summer and while walking towards the ice cream shop and while passing a couple people siting at one of the tables at this ice cream shop they over heard me telling my friend that I wanted to get back into shape. This guy friend of mine turns around and looks at me only to say, "round is a shape" ... I was actually quite shocked that he had said that, to the point I was actually speechless but then I began laughing because of the ironic and funny statement which was totally true... I was round and round is a shape. My friend had a good look at the lady that over heard the conversation. It was like she was stunned in time, paused with mouth wide open as if to take a bit out of her ice cream cone but just so stunned by the statement she didn't know what to do. I would have like to have seen the expression on that ladies face. Truth be told, weight gain is for the most part a means of self protection along with the overt masculine characteristic and posturing... oh the posturing... one reason why I don't hang around women who identify as lesbian or even women who are still really broken in their sense of gender identity, for the most part is the posturing.. there is absolutely no way I can develop myself relationally when I'm surrounded by broken women who have a poor sense of their own gender identity whether they exhibit and overt masculine posturing or to the other extreme of well... "Valley Girl" type women who hide behind their beauty as much as the GI Jane hides behind her army surplus boots! My goodness... you know, the other day I was watching youtube videos of people teaching others how to apply makeup...

I came across this one video that I could barely stomach to watch all the way through and just so you know, ::: insert valley girl here... ::: when I hear the word "like" being used in "like" more then one time in any one particular sentence it gets "like" ... really annoying!

Ah, the torture one is willing to go through just to entertain the idea of wearing makeup. Not that I don't wear makeup it's just that I've had very little motivation since I've always felt really hopeless when it came to my face breaking out with rosacea but since then I've been changing my diet for health reasons and have also noticed that my face is less red these days.... and I've also just recently learned how to reduce the redness on my face with makeup and with that new insight I've kinda grown a little more interested in makeup. Let me tell you it's not for the sake of trying to fit some mold that isn't me, to wear outfits that really aren't me and to try and be somebody I'm not. I really believe that the more secure we are the more of our natural beauty will be seen. The article was exactly what I was looking for when I was searching for anything that might encourage me along the journey. To be honest it wasn't anything new but really just a reminder that this journey is really a life long process of learning healthy friendships and a reminder that embracing femininity isn't embracing what is stereotypical but rather embracing a certain amount of openness, a welcoming sense, and a place of being secure and safe and well, to be vulnerable one definitely needs to feel that there is a certain amount of safety.

Then what in the world is femininity? I like to think of femininity as a welcoming disposition towards the rest of the world. Picture the most feminine woman you know. The women I envision exude warm spirits that are always eager to invite others into their lives. They create a safe relational space for people to simply be where they are. I picture femininity as a spiritual home with walls made of windows, inviting others to share in their lives. Windows entail warmth, transparency, and vulnerability, but they still maintain a healthy sense of protection that keeps harmful people from barging in... I know Mary Kay women who dress to impress, but lack this nourishing spirit. And I know softball coaches who breathe this into being wherever they set foot. ~ Julie Rodgers ( writer of the blog post - The Flight of Femininity)

I used to say, "I don't have a feminine bone in my body"... I can also remember having this encounter if you will. While at church I began to feel this level of disconnect growing within me and I was feeling alone, overwhelmed and really needing to and wanting to be affirmed as a woman but really didn't know how to go about it.. all I knew is that I struggled with my gender identity and with unwanted same sex attraction but there I was one of my many many moments of surrendering my life to Jesus... one of the many times I cried out, albeit secretly within my own heart unable to really voice this to anyone and unwilling and unable to be that transparent and vulnerable. I'm not saying that I had an angelic encounter but these 2 people I spoke with I never saw at this church. I knew this church, I knew those on the ministry team, I knew the Pastors but it was a large church nonetheless but seriously, I've never seen these 2 people before and didn't see them after either but they ministered to me in a deep and profound way. The lady just looked at me and perhaps just recognized by my own posturing and appearance I needed for her as another woman to affirm me and really to help me to keep looking towards my relationship with Jesus in this journey and to keep trusting in Him... that isn't exactly an easy journey for anybody let alone somebody coming out of lesbianism. I still remember what she said, "God wants you to know that you are feminine"...

My perspective on femininity didn't exactly change at that particular time but something in my thinking shifted just enough for the ability for me to receive truth and be able to discern with greater clarity God's voice.

It was a moment that I could only say was more like a name changing moment... a moment of which the course of my life and the direction I'd take my life were to change. I wish I could say that my journey has been moving forward ever since but I can't... sometimes I went backwards and other times I grew stagnant and then other times I grew painfully away of the turmoil within but then there have been moments of pure rest and just one of enjoying life and being emotionally present in the day and in my interactions with others. Some days are like that but then there are times where I am painfully disconnected and detached but I'm really grateful to the Lord that I have the ability to sense when I am detached and disconnected and when I'm connected and emotionally present. It's rather a continual process of healing which with time as I allow myself to be vulnerable can take place.

As it is a process, I continue to just keep on trusting the Lord and surrendering to Him and acknowledging to him my deeper feelings and emotions that kinda stir up my anxiety when felt. That's the first step, really allowing one self to feel connected and allowing for feelings and emotions to surface but with the maturity to not have to allow for my feelings and emotions to be what defines me.

When I had this name changing experience I had a renewed sense of what it means to be a new creation in Christ. From that moment on I could no longer say I lacked femininity but it was like God gave me feminine as a name, interesting enough as is the name Sarah means Princess and also it's a feminine name and so essentially God really began to speak a message of not only reconciliation but also one of restoration but first I had to really deal with my heart and inner vows I made when I was younger that really blocked who I really am from growing up and maturing. There was a woman in me somewhere. I repented of the phrase and inner vow of not being feminine and not having a feminine vow and could claim it because God called me, because my Creator named me, I understood to some degree that there was something intrinsically feminine even though I couldn't feel it or even see it as a reality, it was there and my Creator said so. And along with repentance came a renouncing of that phrase. Following that day I did this funny exercise that I no longer do but I used to. I used to be so disconnected with my own gender that I didn't even feel like a woman even though I had the boobs to show for it. When I would look at myself in the mirror I'd tell myself, "I am a woman, I am a woman created in God's Image..." until one day feeling like and reckoning with and connecting with and as a woman became something natural to me. Today I am more connected as a woman, the feeling of disconnect is a faint feeling and the posturing I did was really just a facade and the real me has surfaced.

A few years ago I had a neighbor come up to me at church who felt the need to give me this picture. The picture is of me, my brother, and a couple of our friends in front of this neighbors house which was the Grandmother of one of the girls in the photo. I forgot about that time in my life and so the picture served to me a memory. As I looked at myself in the photo... I am the girl in the pink shorts and the pink and white shirt (though hard to see with the lighting... my outfit looks predominantly white) siting on the blue bike with the banana seat. That bike was my favorite bike of all time.. my brother is next to me on his BMX bike and that too was his favorite bike. As I began to look at myself I saw something that had been lost. I saw femininity, I saw happiness, I saw a level of contentment, I saw a little girl and I also saw how life had really turned me into someone bitter and feeling jaded by the world and also the church. Did you ever notice that taking a look at a childhood photo is a good way to really begin to connect with something that has been lost or even stolen? It was a God thing that really had this neighbor hand me this photo at church. She enabled me to remember what is intrinsically me and I could see how my posturing at that time was only a way of covering up all that was in me. As a little girl I was never prissy... I was athletic, I played just about every position in baseball / softball whatever. I was one the best catchers in my league and helped lead my team to first place one year and with all the athletic nature of mine I had this tenderness about me. I really believe that the harder and tougher one looks the greater the sensitivity that one has, the softer their heart may be and more potential of being wounded and for that wounding to be felt at a much deeper place. I knew the wholeness I was in search of and I knew the balance I was looking for and that balance was actually pictured here. You can't tell me that God created me Transgender because what you see there is a little girl content as a little girl who is obviously comfortable in pink! To be honest, for the longest time I was always this closeted lover of pink. Today I am not afraid to admit that the soft color of pink is one of my favorite colors... I don't like all things pink but you know when pink is highlighted and complimented with other colors I tend to really like that color. I don't think I ever liked wearing a dress and I'm not really all that bent on forcing myself to like wearing dresses... but who knows...

It's not about seeing healing come to me in the way I want it to come to me... God may have different plans like allowing for this struggle to continue in my life that the power of Christ may rest on me in a more powerful way. I am so dependent on the Lord especially in times when I all I can see is the struggle in front of me. The other day I watched this movie based upon a true story called the Pursuit of Happiness. When Chris Gardner was hired on after his internship with the brokerage firm you could see tears running down his face and when he began to walk down the street on his way to pick up his son from day care you could see him crying. I don't think it was about his now potential and eventual story of signing a multi-million dollar contract it was about the pursuit of a life he dreamed of having which included being the best father he could be for his son despite the challenges of being poor and even homeless. It's a very compelling story. Here's an American who begins by introducing the American constitution which included the pursuit of happiness. Interesting enough as is, the constitution said the right for the pursuit of happiness wasn't a guarantee for happiness. And even the pursuit of which is often times met with difficult, challenges, perhaps broken relationships and having only those around you discourage you from what could lead you towards financial freedom... I don't view it as merely financial freedom but rather freedom from being enslaved by debt and the freedom to live as one free and blessed with all the promises of God but it's not something that just lands on our lap, it's something we have to pursue and fight for. Chris Gardner fought to keep his son in his life, he fought to be a good father, he fought to provide food and shelter for his son. There was one heart breaking moment when he locked him and his son in the washroom at the train station. At the start of the movie he paused on the word pursue. It's not so much the end that's important but rather it's the pursuit... it's the journey and what's in the journey, the lessons learned, the character developed, and the greater appreciation for weakness but a greater awareness of strength and ability and hope for what seems impossible to become a reality. In my pursuit I hope, and it is a prayer of mine that in my heart the pursuit remains my relationship with Jesus, transformation is just inevitable.

Leaders Travel Where Few Will

2011-12-24T04:11:00.000-08:00

A visionary is called a visionary because they often see things in ways others don't. A leader isn't a leader just because they're called a leader but ask yourself the question, do you find your self at a place that may seem lonely at times? Do you find yourself asking why others don't see what you see? Do you find yourself constantly at a different place then the majority of those around you? Perhaps there might be a reason. Perhaps it's the reality of a journey into leadership. I am not saying I'm a leader and I have made it and that's that. I am just simply going to share some observations of which I believe is the result of growing into leadership and having moved beyond my initial place of "learner" to now entertain and seriously think of being a "leader"... this isn't a post on leadership per se just my thinking out loud and pondering. We're all called into leadership and our own sphere of influence. The only question is, how well one will steward one's own sphere of influence, wherever that may be. We may be able to influence 1 or influence 100. I know enough to be able to say that how well we steward our influence in 1 person's life will determine whether or not we'll be trusted with more. Those who can be trusted with little could also be trusted with much. (Luke 16:10)

Leaders will often times find themselves in very lonely places because if they were where the multitudes were there would be obvious company. It stands to reason that the mark of a true leader would be a life that is seasoned by bouts of loneliness. Loneliness can be the result of isolation emotionally and physically which wouldn't be healthy but loneliness could also be a good thing. It's not for me to tell anyone the source or reason behind their particular loneliness but I think we all have pretty good ideas of what could also trigger bouts of feeling lonely. It's not the overt reasons I'm alluding to but rather the more subtle. I will share with people my own processing, I will in various settings test the water so to speak. And I unfortunately recognize that when I hear back from so few people, that can only tell me I'm processing something different and the others really don't know how to respond because that's obviously not where they're processing at. It makes sense that if I share something with a fellow "struggler" who's just come out of the gay life it is possible I could overwhelm them or they could be intrigued by my openness and realness as to where I'm at but still overwhelmed. I could then also share with somebody who's been on the journey for a tad bit longer and perhaps they would share with me wisdom learned along the journey. Or perhaps, you, like myself began this journey in such a place of complete and utter loneliness to begin with that your mentors have been authors of books and individuals you might have seen speak publicly a few times but as far as personally knowing each other, you don't, they're just the one who's been on the journey for a tad bit longer then you've been on and perhaps is an individual who can readily recall what it was like to be a "fellow struggler".

I can wade through seasons of real struggle and then pull through into seasons where I feel a sense of victory! That's a great feeling but something I've grown to appreciate are the moments I have no choice but to readily confess and acknowledge my weakness, struggle, and insecurity. I don't believe for one moment that struggle and weakness disqualifies the leader but rather our choices made which will shape our character that will influence the person we become as a leader. It's only by confession and acknowledgment that we're able to experience the sufficiency of God's grace, something we're all in desperate need of because without such grace we stand condemned.

Some time ago I've noticed a growing change in my thinking. It is like or it can feel as if I am on the cusp of something being left to process whatever it is I'm processing alone. That kinda sounds dark and well, just not a comfy place to be in but that's where I find myself. I'm in what feels like nowhere's ville, a place that has yet to be charted... it is being on the cusp of my "Promised Land". All I know is that when God called me out of homosexuality He called me to journey with Him and to a place I knew would be unfamiliar. It was, a step of faith, not unlike the journey of Abram. When God called Abram to walk with Him, to leave everything behind he didn't know where he would go. He just began to trust in the Lord as He would lead Abram. Abram was seen as a man of faith, he is referred to as the father of faith but in just as many ways Abram walked in faith there were moments he allowed fear to take over his better judgement and instead of trusting in the "Promise" there were moments that both he and Sarai would try to make things happen themselves, only because their "Promise" wasn't happening in the time frame they thought it would happen... Abram and Sarai were promised a son but with Abram getting older and Sarai reaching the age of when it may be to late to have children they began to question if they heard right. Did God say that God would give Abram and Sarai a son? Perhaps through Abram and a servant? Liberal theology will always always never take a stand anywhere, questions that remain open along with multiple right choices being possible making decision and/or understanding debatable... shutting down anything remotely close to what true discipleship really is... but all that's besides the point. The point here is, they believed in God for a Promise that wasn't coming as quickly as they think it should have come so they take things into their own hands and make it happen. Abram becomes a father and who is the offspring? Ishmael.

When God calls us into something we have a choice to birth an Ishmael or an Isaac.

An Ishmael is birthed when we try to live our life the way we think God is calling us to live our life and then we birth an Isaac when we can look past physical circumstances that may test our faith and what we've come to believe. We will either walk by faith or by sight. We will continue to keep on the track of what we know or we trust the Lord in the areas of what is currently unknown and perhaps even difficult to believe could ever become a reality. Abraham and Sarah waited until Abraham was 90 years old when Sarah gave birth to Isaac. It would be considered a miracle by today's standards for any woman that ancient to have children let alone a man being capable of fathering a child... I can just imagine what it might have been like.... did Abraham surprise Sarah with this seemingly last bit of energy did sparks all of a sudden surface after a few decades of a very low sex drive... did Sarah all of a sudden begin to experience menstruation after menopause? Was her menopause delayed or somehow reversed? There was a time I didn't consider there'd be sex over sixty but who knew!! but it happened and Sarah gave birth to Isaac. If we know our history then we know that Ishmael is respected in the Muslim faith and within Muslim teaching Ishmael's mother is held in high regards. Isaac is seen as a father in the Judeo-Christian faith. It is Isaac who later becomes the father of Jacob and Esau where the two Nations further divide... Muslim's believe the blessing came to Ishmael and Isaac, and Esau instead of Isaac and Jacob as it is in the Judeo-Christian traditions. The only thing is, Ishmael and Esau continue to be in conflict with Isaac and Jacob even to this day.... one is from stepping pre-maturely ahead of what God is doing and the other despite being viewed as late being the very "Promise" of God unfolding for Abraham to see...

The question isn't really whether or not change is possible. The question is, when we don't see change when we think change should occur... are we more concerned about our timing and living our life the way we think God would want us to live our life or are we committed to walking in obedience to His leading in our life even when our faith is tested? The heart of the matter is the heart. If our heart remains malleable for the Lord I am certain that we will see the promises of God unfold in our life. We will see God transform our hearts and our minds in Christ, we will see renewal and complete restoration but we're kidding ourselves if we think that this will happen over one prayer session or in one day of praying... Today if you hear His voice do not harden your heart as you did in the rebellion. (Hebrews 3:15)

You know, every time I begin to question or I face doubt and begin to wonder if the things I hope for will ever come to pass. I don't know about tomorrow I just know about today. And today I choose the Lord, I choose to worship the Lord today and keep my heart malleable for the Lord. My heart will either harden as it did when I rebelled against the Lord or my heart will remain soft and sensitive to the convictions of the Holy Spirit in my life regardless if what I hope for will come to pass... The promise isn't in living a life I think is the life that God would have me live... the life that God would have me live in rooted in mystery and faith... to believe that God would take on the form of man like he did on the original Christmas Day... the day when Jesus was actually born... it's a mystery to believe that Jesus is fully God and fully man, it's a mystery to believe in the virgin birth but it happened.. and it's a mystery to understand all that we have in Christ and all that we are in Christ. Jesus was born, He lived as man and died as man so that we might be reborn in Christ to live for Him. That's not a far exchange... our life isn't about some religious duty but rather an invitation to live and into more than just life... it's for something beyond the here and now.

More Changes & A Few Thoughts!

2011-12-21T01:21:00.000-08:00

It doesn't seem like I am comfortable with a template for any lengthy period of time and so I did some changes!

As of late I've been working on a different writing project which seems to be taking up all my free time and so I've decided to lay aside my blog. Not only that but my current health hasn't allowed for me to be as adventurous and committed to this blog as I initially set out to be. But still keeping in mind what I set out to accomplish perhaps, with a slight bit of moderation I will set out to make another go of it. I have a few things on the go right now and some things I'd like to see completed by next year and so, instead of making a New Years Resolution come January what I have decided is to simply continue on track with where I'm currently headed but as I do I have a few thoughts.

Just a few questions...

Why do people who preach the loudest for tolerance are themselves the most intolerant? Why do people who express the desire to want to dialogue and yet control the how, when, where, and even the context? Why do those who seek to want to "bridge" have no desire to bridge unless it is accompanied with a compromise in theological and doctrinal beliefs that have been held for centuries?

Here's the thing...

I will never redefine certain words to suit my agenda. I will not bend into manipulative games or entertain dialogue when that dialogue when the individual on the other end refuses to actually hear where some of the misguided beliefs twist and distort what it is I actually believe... so basically, if you want to dialogue with me then perhaps it would be best to actually first hear what it is that I actually believe, other then that, no matter how well informed the other person is or think they are about my beliefs. Really, that kind of conversation doesn't really help and it doesn't really go anywhere. Here's another question, does dialogue even serve a purpose if they're trying to control the dialogue? Is it then even helpful discussion or is it really just another format of tolerance, bend a few points here and there, change a few words around or redefine a few words here and there and then finally, while you're at it, use dialogue to promote your own agenda while giving no biblical foundation to what it is that is actually being discussed. To me that really doesn't make any sense and I don't find it helpful, in fact, I find it draining to my emotions... especially when people use big words and big phrases and really condensed down sentences all the while complaining about the chosen words of somebody else. That's just stupid, it really is, if you want the common people to understand then you have to use common words unless you're trying to communicate only to those with a seminary degree or those with a high vocabulary... that to me kinda hinders dialogue with a lot of people and can only be misleading at best. I don't know about you but I have a tendency not to trust people who feel the need to use big words and phrases.... ok now I'm just complaining but really making a point, is that it's not helpful, it's misleading, and misguiding and leads a whole heck of a lot of confused individuals to keep believing what it is they're believing and then in the long run, when people dialogue in this kinda of nature the only thing that is happening is that you're comforting people in the mess they're in and helping them to stay there. Then again, perhaps the huge pull towards tolerance and "bridge" work, which is really just one in the same... perhaps it's just one tool that a great many can use to promote their own liberal theology agenda.

We should take the following scripture to heart because I think we're living in this exact season that the church has been warned against...

All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, and in view of His appearing and his Kingdom, I give you this charge: Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage--with great patience and careful instruction, for the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn away from the truth and turn aside to myths. ~ 2 Timothy 3:16-4:4

Faithful Are the Wounds of A Friend

2011-12-04T01:03:00.000-08:00

Just recently I had the opportunity to sit in on a parent support group for those who's children are in the gay life or struggling to reckon with same sex attraction. Of course, the core value of this group is that God's intention for sexuality is between one man and one woman and anything outside of that is less than God's best. So I attended the group to share a little bit of my story and by the end of it I was moved to tears not only by seeing the genuine love and concern these parents and siblings who were present had for their loved one who was in the gay life I was also moved to tears because there is a part of me that wishes my own family cared enough to actually learn about my particular struggles and to actually have their support in my journey out but I have a family who don't necessarily share the same views on faith let alone sexuality and marriage. I was also moved to tears because I realized a continued sensitivity I have towards my own personal experience with the church, with Christians, the one's who should have supported me in my journey out but for various reasons could not. I was also moved to tears speaking about the good I've received from my family as well. Just because my family is not at the present able to support me emotionally that doesn't mean they haven't been there for me, they were as they were able to. I'm going to share a few things. While I'm not sharing exactly what was spoken I will share the general broad perspective and for the sake of confidentiality I won't be sharing specifics and will not be disclosing the location of this parent support group. If you are a parent and you're looking for a parent support group or to see if one exists in your area I'd suggest contacting Exodus International or Exodus Global Alliance.

As I sat there listening to what was being said I began to think... some of what came up...

How do I support my loved one without compromising my faith and moral convictions?

I think first Christian parents need to be released to love their child regardless of who or what their child or loved is. That's difficult since so often to so many people an embracing of the lifestyle is about the only thing that communicates to a great many that they are loved.. as if to suggest that approval of the action is approval of the person.

To a great many people the two are cannot be so easily separated. This actually flies in the face of those suggest that identifying as gay or lesbian to be merely a description of one's sexuality... I would argue that calling one self gay is in fact a declaration of an identity that is not based on any scriptural truth. If I wanted to describe my current reality, my current reality and my current experience is one of being same sex attracted but I can differentiate between what I experience and where I place my identity. My identity is not placed in my feelings, or sexuality but rather as a woman created in God's Image. My identity is in Christ and in Christ alone. So there are reasons I don't "come out" if you will as being gay or being a lesbian or even bi since that is too restrictive and doesn't speak to the truth of God's Created intent to see the Image of God reflected in man and woman. It's actually only been very recent where scholars are trying to separate the genders in the reflection of God's Image, it has been a long standing traditional translation to view God's Image within the context of marriage between man and woman, we cannot see a clearer picture of God's Image reflected in mankind as we do when man and woman become one. Not matter how hard same sex couples may try the union will never happen. There is something unique about standing face to face with somebody wholly other both physically and emotionally and no matter how hard same sex couple's try they will never engage in the such a way. Instead, when it comes to same sex partnership that only feeds off an emotional need and insecurity trying to complete oneself while trying to meet legitimate needs illegitimately and in turn it only fuels the insecurity which usually ends up resulting in a life of drifting from one partner to the next. While some think that commitment does happen, I'd like to know what commitment is defined as in the glbt community? For many it means being in a committed but open relationship, so it's never a commitment just between 2 people for an extended period of time but rather during their committed relationship they'll still have different partners. And well, you really don't have to be in the gay community for that long to know the u-hall joke when it comes to lesbians and their attempt to forming a committed relationship. What most gay activists don't want you to know is that the abuse rates among lesbian partnerships tend to be extremely high in comparison to their heterosexual counterparts.

Now how do I support my loved one who is in the gay life without compromising my faith and moral views?

Now that's a difficult question because each individual is different and has different needs but I do know that the scriptures says that while we were still sinners Christ died. He loved us unconditionally and died for knowing that many of us would reject him and he didn't wait for people to change their ways to love them, he just loved them. But the question I ask my readers, especially those who are in the gay life, when you want your family to love you are you demanding that they change their moral convictions with regards to homosexual behavior? For gay activists in the church... are you demanding people to embrace a moral acceptance of homosexual behavior? Can you separate your behavior from your personhood? For people to love you do they have to accept your behavior as being a morally right option?

While at this parent support group I was asked a couple of question...

What was helpful and what wasn't helpful for you?

In my experience, I had more people in the church debating whether or not I was a Christian then those who wanted to be in relationship with me. I don't know about you but the only one who can discern if one has a true relationship with Jesus is Jesus and His Spirit. It's not for us to judge whether or not somebody struggling with or even those accepting of their same sex attraction has a relationship with Jesus. I don't know any lesbian or any gay man who left the gay lifestyle without first having a relationship with Jesus. In the realm of grace we have to allow for the grey and in encouraging a relationship with Jesus hopefully the individual will begin to experience Holy Spirit's conviction in the area of their sexuality and surrender their sexuality to the Lord but ultimately when an individual says they believe in Jesus I think that is a good common place to start. A good place to start is the cross of Jesus, at the cross we're all equal, one sin is not greater then the other and there Jesus died for us all that we might turn from our sin and have life everlasting and remember that it is the kindness of the Lord that leads to repentance and His grace that keeps us on the straight and narrow path. It certainly is not helpful when there exists more people debating whether or not the other is actually saved... a good way of trying to discern how genuine the other is, is to actually be in relationship with the other regardless of theological or doctrinal differences. Like everything else when it comes to discipleship, learning biblical truth and learning the ways in which we're called to live according to scripture is a learning process that isn't learned over night but rather through years of discipleship and through years of people praying as some things are more caught then they are taught.

My youth pastor and his wife were so consistent with me. They were filled with grace and filled with truth. Who they were at church were who they were at home. What they taught they also lived. Because they were so consistent with loving me I was able to hear words of truth and even at times when I didn't want to hear truth and would react, eventually I'd come back around knowing that they were right and I've benefited from their consistent love and their consistency with truth no matter what. If telling me the truth offended me well then, so it says in proverbs, faithful are the wounds of a friend (prov 27:6).

Are you free enough to hear the truth even if the truth is not something you want to hear and even if hearing the truth doesn't feel good?

What helps isn't love for love sake what helps are friends who are not afraid of telling me truth. I'd rather not seek comfort when that comfort keeps me bound to the very thing tormenting me. I'd rather be comforted by the grace of God in light of His truth. It's in knowing truth I come to see just how deep and wide is the love of God for me. The truth brings a much deeper revelation of the cross of Jesus. Where the Spirit of truth is there is freedom and without truth freedom is not truly found. I have learned to cherish truth in my heart far beyond any false comfort I may receive while in a life entrenched by sin. If I remain in sin I'd rather be disturbed if that be the only way of truly surrendering my life to Jesus. I embrace God's Holy conviction in my life, it is an act of God's grace.

It's not how you start it's how you finish...

2011-11-28T16:02:00.000-08:00

My year has been quite the year. My year has been filled with challenges and one such challenge is in the area of slowing down. I've been telling myself to speed up, get things going, move quickly towards my end goals, if I don't have end goals then develop my goals, get a vision for my life and keep moving forward at whatever cost... even if that cost is through blood, sweat, and tears. Actually, for years moving forward has been with a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. It doesn't fail, whenever I set out to accomplish something, anything, there is usually something gets in the way towards accomplishing the goals I set for myself. Well, I don't plan to allow for circumstances to get in the way of my end goals. I can make the choice to finish well. I may not start out all that well but finishing well is something well within my grasp to accomplish. The question isn't whether or not my end goals can be accomplished but rather how I set out to accomplish such tasks. Sometimes the turtle actually wins the race because the turtle may be slow but the turtle picks a pace and sticks to the pace with such determination regardless of the limitations the turtle may have... its determination is its greatest strength.

Determination can be our greatest strength even when we're faced with less than ideal circumstances.

Last year, back in February I ended up falling off my bike at work. On a cold and rainy day I had the energy to get through the day. I just wanted to push through the day and go home. I really don't like riding my bike in the rain, especially when it is icy cold rain and is enough to chill right through your bones. In Vancouver we have a kind of wet cold that is colder or at the very least feels colder then other places in Canada. In Southern British Columbia we live in a temperate rain forest and so it rains a lot plus we have a more temperate climate but during the winter it is either too cold to snow it doesn't snow or it warms up but quickly but not quick enough since the moister the clouds hold when it is too cold to snow eventually get released but since it's too cold to snow we end up getting the coldest and most bitter rain one can experience. I love it when it snows but I hate it when it rains especially during the winter season. In order for it to snow the temperature needs to be just right. It can't be too cold but it can't warm up too quickly either but if the weather warms up at just the right pace the clouds will release snow instead of icy cold rain which is usually what we get in Vancouver.

When it rains in Vancouver it rains... and this one February morning it was raining...

I entered the West End via the Robson beat.. and when I approached my patrol area I began weaving in and out of parkade's until finally I reached the bottom of Robson street at the corner of Denman. Just before turning onto Denman Street I decided to turn into the Safeway Parking lot. It was raining and I figured I could warm up a bit and dry off while patrolling inside this particular parkade. So I made another turn down this ramp to the lower level of the parking lot and as I reached the bottom of the ramp my tires slipped on the wet pavement. When you feel your control slip from underneath you it increases your anxiety just a little and the moment I felt I had lost control of my bike and knew the tires slipped I could feel my bike turn lop sided. At that point I decided to use up the rest of my energy to land as safely as possible. As my bike slipped I raised my arms up hoping to protect my face from slamming against the cement and just as I slammed against the cement I kicked my bike away from me but still ended up getting tangled in my bike but I landed without getting seriously injured but injured enough. My helmet protected my head. As my head hit the pavement I heard this crack and thought to myself, yup the bike helmet worked but still my head bounced off the pavement causing me to get wip lash pretty good. For the next week my neck and should was stiff and soar and the other side of my body stiff and soar. I ended up taking a week off from work but fully compensated from WCB. As I turned myself over I noticed the cameras that were in place and thought to myself, yup the accident is recorded and so there's enough there to help me with a WCB claim.

When x-ray point to something that is more serious then just a minor fracture...

A few months later I realized that my back pain wasn't dissolving, in fact, perhaps even feeling worse then when it did following my bike accident I decided to follow up with my doctor who then sent me for some x-rays. The x-rays showed inflammation that by this time had become chronic. I guess it could have been triggered by the fall itself but the condition completely and totally unrelated to the fall. With the results back my doctor sent me for a slew of blood tests and a bone scan. He was thinking it could be related to arthritis while I began pondering what could possibly cause inflammation and the worst case scenario that came to mind was cancer. The the game of what if came to mind... all I knew is that I had chronic pain and chronic inflammation, it could be nothing but it could be something. With the unyielding pain and inflammation I began to notice that my sleep, which was already difficult enough as is while transitioning from graveyard to morning shifts, had been getting worse. There would be days before I could get sleep. Sleep began to feel like it was more of a luxury then a necessity but we all know it's a necessity. At any rate, my doctor told me that sometimes it's difficult to diagnose what came first, the chronic pain or difficulty sleeping so the doctor decided to help me sleep in the hope that the pain in my body and the inflammation would cool down. So, I was prescribed Gabapatin to block the pain receptors in my brain and Naproxen to help reduce the inflammation. And just recently I've been started on a 3rd kind of medication normally prescribed to individuals struggling with chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. And while I'm not diagnosed with either conditions I seem to be exhibiting symptoms of a mild form of it. And man, if what I'm struggling with being possibly a milder form of chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia then I can't really imagine how people with these chronic disorders feel. All I know is that I've gotten my doctor to write a note excusing me from working my full 8 hour shift at work. Currently, once I get to sleep I am sleeping longer and am believing this is a good sign. Here's hoping that my new medication is beginning to work.

I believe that God heals and I believe we have every right biblically to contend for our health as well as our destiny in Christ. But while we're waiting for God to bring full restoration to our health there is a time to use wisdom and be mindful of our limitations especially when it comes to chronic fatigue and chronic pain.

Chronic fatigue and chronic pain when not managed well can render us quite helpless. For this reason I've had to slow down. I haven't been able to keep writing at the pace I've been wanting to. At times I've been too exhausted to think let alone to actually move my body. I've been learning to pace myself and also to rest. Perhaps some people can find the time to rest or can't really afford to pace themselves but as for myself, since my job is so active I have had to rest at home but I can't afford to rest at home... I haven't been able to fully rest at home because sometimes that means putting aside the chores at home but then that means my roommate picks up the slack because she just doesn't know how to rest herself. As a result I've cut back my hours at work to find the time to rest because I need the rest, it's important to rest but I also want a stress free living environment .. and believe you me, when I move out of the place and I'm free to get my own place I will rest and my chores will at times suffer but darn it any way I need the rest. Rest is not a luxury it is a necessity. Anyways, since I've been too exhausted to think let alone move my body I haven't been in the place to actually write anything. And so I've decided to take a step back from my blog and revamp it a little. I've decided to change my scheduled writing. It's just too much for me right now.

Stay tuned for Monday's

And instead of posting something on Sunday I will post every Monday. I will then give myself most of Sunday to brainstorm for ideas and to begin writing something but be able to post it on Monday's instead of on Sunday's. Thought for Thursday and Somethin Sunday as well as Monthly Monday's were perhaps a well thought out idea but to be honest I didn't like the title's I had given them. That said, I am still wanting to write a book review once a month but that would also mean that I'd have to increase my reading so that I have something to post once a month. And that also leaves me with Word on Wednesday. I'd like to keep Word on Wednesday but that too will be on hold until my health starts to improve. That said, I will make an attempt to post something every Monday.

When life throws you a lemon learn to make lemonade.

It's not how you start that matters but it's how you finish. We can finish well. By God's Grace. He has given us everything we need to reach our destiny in Christ. We can look at the circumstances in our life; the struggles we face, the health problems that can have a tendency to get in the way, the job that you really don't want but have because it's currently better then any other options there are for you, the coworkers that make life miserable for you and who just don't extend the grace you need when you need it. I choose rather to take hold of the things I do have... the grace that is extended from my employer because of my current health problems, the grace that is currently extended by most of my supervisors, the coworkers I interact with who make me smile and laugh after a hard stressful day, the occasional pizza day at work, the snacks that are offered during our weekly meetings, and being able to have such a great client to work for. I can think of a far worse scenario that could happen for me. In order to finish well sometimes it really depends on our ability to take a step back and pace yourself, don't do too much at the same time, make time for rest even if that means working less and taking a cut in pay because of it. When we can find a pace that works for us we can then slowly but steady, like the turtle finish the race that is set before us...

Regardless if you're first or last just finish the race .

And The Dance Continues

2011-11-17T01:07:00.000-08:00

It's not very often but this season I have decided to watch Dancing With the Stars. The controversy continues with Chaz. For many of us Chaz needs no introduction. As the season unfolded I watched as Chaz struggled to perform. I couldn't help but to observe the pink elephant in the room but there it was. As hard as Chaz tried and worked to perform there was always something a little off. No matter how masculine one feels inside or no matter how disconnected one feels from their own gender and from their same gender peers there will always be a very critical piece missing within the pursuit of a gender one was not naturally born with physically and that pursuit becomes a hindrance towards becoming the man or woman that God created us to be. I've heard it said that many who undergo sex change operations feel no more connected with themselves then before the operation, in fact, many can feel even more disconnected then ever before. I know when I began to pursue the transgender identity I felt even more disconnected from everybody.

The dance is one of the most poetic and prophetic pictures that we see reflecting how two become one within an artistic display of adventure, tension, the union where the two begin to move to the rhythm of the song as one. And try that he may but there will always be something just a little off, no matter how successful a surgery may be or how disconnected one feels within their own gender, changing body parts and trying to fill a role we've never been born to fill no matter how we may feel internally, that disconnect will always be there and that poetic and prophetic picture becomes distorted. Even if one cuts off body parts to the look like the other male/male and female/female will never reflect the oneness that God designed within the context of male/female partnership. We see this not only in the poetic dance but we see this in relationship as well. We are created in God's Image, male and female. It's only been recently where certain theology has begun to look at male and female separately within the context of being created in God's Image but that couldn't be the farthest thing from the truth. Even in the account of man and woman being created again we see this poetic wording that earlier theologians have picked up on. It is when man and woman stand face to face and side by side we see most clearly the Image of God.

The other day I shared my testimony. The more secure I become in myself the more relaxed I can be and the better I'm able to communicate parts of my story but when I reach into the depths of my heart and I have the courage to go to the places I've been most impacted I can't help but to get emotional. I can't help but to be moved when God meets me in the deepest core of my being, ministering to me in areas that only He can. It's a dance is what it is.

There was one time while praying in small group the Lord gave me this picture. In front of me was this black wall but had the hand of Jesus piercing through the dark wall in a way that was an invitation to a dance. This picture was incredibly symbolic for me. In the earlier years of my Mother, she used to compete as a ballroom dancer. When I was younger I used to watch ballroom dance competitions just to try to gain a glimpse of the kind of woman my Mother was. There she is to the left and when I see her I don't see any flaws. I always wanted to be like my mother but I never felt like I had it in me and yet one of my last conversations with my Nana, my mother's Mom she would share with me all the ways in which I reminded her of her own daughter. Perhaps it was the way in which we both engaged life... laughter, passion, and faith, of course there were challenges and difficulty but even with adversity my mother lived life to the fullest and made every second count especially with all her kids. She knew what mattered most and when she was bent on doing something, it was done. I certainly lack the grace, I lacked a lot of what one would think to be stereotypically feminine. I spent my entire life shoving down and pushing away everything and anything that was anything close to being feminine and instead I presented this pseudo-masculine posture and in many many ways I can relate to Chaz especially in the way in which Chaz has felt disconnected with her own gender and her same gender peers. The only difference is, his way of reckoning with the disconnect was to pursue the masculine even harder... the more masculine I had become the more disconnected I felt and the more I began to realize that rejecting myself as a woman wasn't the answer even though my feelings and internal conflict suggested otherwise. There was something more deeply profound that was wounded and in need to be healed. And there was Jesus beginning to meet with me in the place where I needed to be met. What my Mother was unable to do for me Jesus began to step into that void and he invited me into what I had yet to explore. The extended hand invited me away from what familiar and towards the unfamiliar, towards what often times came with anxiety and fear. I had to be vulnerable enough to take the hand of Jesus and waltz through the darkness and into the unknown. When it comes to traditional ballroom dancing there are very clear gender roles... male and female are uniquely different yet move as one within the poetic and prophetic picture of the dance. The man becomes the frame, the structure, the one who holds the dance in place and the woman responds to his leading in the dance, his divine masculine initiative is greeted with the divine feminine response. As the dance unfolds he becomes the frame and she become the picture. I'm not so disconnected with my own gender anymore. I readily identify as a woman and I like being a woman. Ten years ago I wouldn't have been able to say that but today my past and my perceived differences don't define me and my feelings and whatever internal conflict that might arise from time to time that too does not define who it is that God created me to be. As I shared my testimony I intentionally ended by saying, and the dance continues to unfold.

Jesus becomes the frame and we become the picture,

we become the art work of His creation for the display of His glory.

Somethin Sunday: What About Church

2011-11-13T18:50:00.000-08:00

I have wanted to post something and so I've decided to see what it would be like to write post from my iPad. To be honest I really don't like the iPad for this kind of work. I much prefer the good old lap top while siting in the comfort at home in a comfy chair as opposed to the Starbucks just across the street from church.

OK... confession time, I completely forgot about posting something today and as I began checking out my facebook It dawned on me that I should have posted but hadn't yet.

Last night was just another one of those nights I couldn't sleep. I finally fell asleep around 4am and then woke up at 1pm. I don't have a habit of attending church Sunday Morning. At first I felt like I was rebelling, rebelling against the norm and the system to prove a point... Maybe, that it's not a sin to skip church Sunday morning. When it comes to my church we have 3 services and the same sermon for all 3 and so if I attend in the morning and in the evening I will just hear the same sermon over again. And so it really doesn't matter which service I attend. What I value is being apart of a church community. Church community isn't always the easiest place for some to be apart of... With some people there is some baggage and places of hurt and wounding caused by the church that sometimes is a little difficult to process through but in all fairness the church isn't perfect... So sometimes even good well meaning individuals will disappoint us. A friend once told me that finding a church community can be more of a search to find which dysfunction you feel most comfortable in. This is true, I would like to blog more about being in church community but for now I have to run... Church for me starts in 10 minutes.

Just Some Thoughts

2011-11-11T01:45:00.000-08:00

It's very late ... actually very early Friday morning and I really want to get to bed but I've been writing and then re-writing and then deleting only to write some more. I can't seem to say one blessed thing worth reading at the moment... only to say that my original idea of Coffee Talk Thursday is just not working. I like Somethin Sunday, Word on Wednesday, and will soon be introducing Monthly Monday book reviews... Since I have Word on Wednesday I figure Thursday is A Okay to not leave a post... perhaps it's too much but at the same time it was a lame title and theme for Thursday... :)

I have some ideas brewing in my mind and being stirred up in my heart to write about so there will be blog posts not only worth writing but also worth reading as well.. not because I'm the one writing it but because it's taking some things I've posted in the past and taking them to a deeper level of thought and process. When I first set out to write this blog I had an idea to really have on here my reflections about my own journey. I would write about my own process and perhaps within the process one can find in my earlier writings this kind of siting on the fence if you will without any real choice being made.... that wasn't the case really...

where I am at within my own personal process in this journey is not really a good way to measure my faith and walk of obedience. It's one thing to struggle all the way towards bending into one's desires fueled by undisciplined passions and desires and completely other to acknowledge struggles and even to voice doubt, insecurity, and vulnerability while making the choice to live and walk holding every thought captive to the obedience to Christ... when we're holding every thought captive to the obedience to Christ there is one sure foundation that all question all doubt and all weaknesses and all vulnerabilities can rest upon...

so in our heart of hearts we can be all over the place seemingly unanchored but really in the midst of such contemplation of meditation where all things are acknowledged whether it is strength or weakness, doubt or certainty .. all things become acknowledged and the cross of Jesus Christ can once and for all be glorified not only when we make the choice to stand in difficult times and places but also in the place of our greatest of failures and where we've experienced the most profound wounding.... this is where we truly begin to see the significance of the Cross and perhaps where we not only begin to share in Christ's suffering but also in His resurrection.

Somethin Sunday: Blessed Are Those Who Hunger & Thirst For Righteousness

2011-11-06T16:13:00.000-08:00

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled ~ Matthew 5:6

My soul followeth hard after thee:

Thy right hand upholdeth me. ~ Psalm 63:8

I was reminded today of this quote from A.W Tozer, "I want to want thee; I long to be be filled with longing; I thirst to be thirsty still." A number of years ago I had read this book called The Pursuit of God written by A.W Tozer. The book itself became one of my favorite writings and the author quickly became one of my favorite authors. It is this very book I read that allowed for a deep stirring from within to surface which lead to the journey I am currently on. There is another such book that is said to be a more contemporary and newer writing of the same thought which is called, The God Chasers written by Tommy Tenny. I had the book in hand and began to read the book but the book itself didn't capture my heart and attention in the same way A.W Tozer had.

Christian theology teaches the doctrine of prevenient grace, which briefly stated means this, that before a man can seek God, God must first have sought the man. Before a sinful man can think a right thought of God, there must have been a work of enlightenment done within him; imperfect it may be, but a true work nonetheless, and the secret cause of all desiring and seeking and praying which may follow. We pursue God because, and only because, He has first put an urge within us that spurs us to the pursuit. "No man can come to me," said the Lord, "except the Father which hath sent me draw him," And it is by this very prevenient drawing that God takes from us every vestige of credit for the act of coming. The impulse to pursue God originates with God, but the outworking of that impulse is our following hard after Him; and all the time we are pursuing Him we are already in His hand. "Thy right hand upholdeth me," In this divine "upholding" and human "following" there is no contradiction. All is of God, for as Von Hugel teaches, God is always previous. In practice, however, (that is, where God's previous working meets man's present response) Man must pursue God. Or, our part there must be positive reciprocation if this secret drawing of God is to eventuate in identifiable experience of the Divine. In the warm language of personal feeling this is stated in the forty second Psalm: "As the heart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God. My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God: when shall I come and appear before God? This is deep calling unto deep, and the longing heart will understand it.
The doctrine of justification by faith- a biblical truth, and a blessed relief from sterile legalism and unavailing self-efforthes in our time fallen into evil company and been interpreted by many in such man ner as actually to bar men from the knowledge of God. The whole transaction of religious conversion has been made mechanical and spiritless. Faith may now be exercised without a jar to the moral life and without embarrassment to the Adamic ego. Christ may be "received" without creating any special love for Him in the soul of the receiver. The man is "saved", but he not hungry nor thirsty after God. In fact he is specifically taught to be satisfied and encouraged to be content with little."

~ A.W Tozer, The Pursuit of God

One who is full loathes honey but to the hungry even the bitter tastes sweet. ~ Proverbs 27:7

How even more true this is for us today in the 21st century. Following after homosexuality is like drinking a cup of wine with vinegar. It gives the appearance of feeling good with a slight buzzing feel from the alcohol. The taste is bitter with the result of being made sick after partaking it and after a while it doesn't really satisfy the deeper hunger--the pursuit of God; only in the pursuit of God do we truly come to see our deeper more truer selves. It is in our pursuit of God that we come to understand our true identity in Christ. It seems to me that many Pastors encourage people to be content with little and seem to force those of us who struggle with unwanted same sex attraction to drink from the bitter cup of wine mixed with vinegar when they say that the only option for somebody struggling with unwanted same sex attraction is celibacy. What I say is pursue a relationship with Jesus Christ, pursue holiness and allow for God to stir up what may very well be locked away in some prison in the deeper places of our heart, and then in reciprocation allow for what's being stirred up within to surface. This perhaps is where we need the most courage because here is where we face our fears, our failures, and our greatest of disappointments. It is only then we gain a sense of who we are as men and women created in God's Image.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life. ~ Proverbs 13:12

All I know is that when I pursue a relationship with Jesus Christ and follow hard after Him... there are mornings I wake up only to be surprised by what has awakened within me.

The Art of Discipleship: The Heart Matters

2011-11-05T03:28:00.000-07:00

I think discipleship is becoming a lost art in the church today. We have exchanged discipleship for programs and instead of speaking what the bible actually teaches many just leave the scriptures open for interpretation while allowing for an already confused individual to find their own way. There ceases to be correction and direction when there should be. I look back now and I see what God had blessed me with. I believe my life would have turned out much different then it has and the choices I make today are the direct result of what I received from this couple.

When I had moved in I was pointed to this scripture verse. It wasn't in such a way that was blatantly obvious but in their teaching and discipleship I can point to this scripture verse below as perhaps the main focus of discipleship received.

but the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one. And we have confidence in the Lord about you, that you are doing and will do the things that we command. May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ. ~2 Thessalonians 3:3-5

Now we command you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep away from any brother who is walking in idleness and not in accord with the tradition you received from us. For you yourselves know, how you ought to imitate us, because we were not idol when we were with you, nor did we eat someone's bread without paying for it, but with toil and labor, we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you. It was not because we do not have that right, but to give you in ourselves an example to imitate. For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work let him not eat. For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies. Now such persons we command and encourage in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their work quietly and to earn their own living. ~ 2Thessalonians 3:6-12

I have been involved with Street Ministry for 15 years now and have seen and experienced a lot. I have also worked in various areas throughout Vancouver involved in various forms of security and so I have engaged in conversation and interacted with those who were homeless and drug dependent in various ways, sometimes in uniform and sometimes not. I can recall my first experience in seeing the night life of Vancouver. Here I am, I'm 18 years old and fresh out of high school. I grew up and lived in a very small and very conservative town where everybody knew my name, I was practically related to just about every person in the suburb. The town was not only ultra conservative but also very homophobic and along with that, a church on every corner just about, the town was riddled with churches. In high school there existed a lot of bullying especially if you an effeminate type male. If you were a lesbian then you were practically praised but if you were a guy and gay well that was just taboo. I know men today who are active in the gay lifestyle who for the most part still has not opened up to folks in this small town. And with me having been sheltered from a lot I didn't know anything about the gay community.

My understanding was actually very limited back then. I mean, I knew and I had seen part of the gay subculture but I didn't know that what I had seen had been part of the gay subculture. I loved the music that permeated the gay subculture and quite honestly when I mixed within the gay community it became the only place I didn't feel like the odd one. It has to be said that when I "mix" with people I no longer feel like the odd one and the majority of those I hang out with are really straight and never struggled with their sexual and/or gender identity and to me I just readily see the commonality that we all share in our humanity and in our humanity none of us share the exact same experiences but back then I didn't necessarily understand that. So, pretty ignorant of many things about the gay subculture in the 80's and 90's and encountering Vancouver's city night life for the first time at the age of 18 I can recall a moment of perhaps the most extreme culture shock I could have ever experienced in my life. As I climbed out of my friends car I saw what looked to be this 6'5" tall lady. I looked and couldn't believe her size and hight and when I looked back at my friend I said, "woh, did you see the size of that chick!?" my friend began to giggle as he said, "umm, that aint no chick," I don't think I could have been more stunned in my life. I couldn't grasp it. I mean, I saw this on tv but I didn't think it was a reality. So I looked over towards my friend and responded, "say what!? that aint no chick!?" My friend goes on to explain to me that I had seen a Drag Queen. I was so ignorant I had to ask what a drag queen was. I seriously had no clue.

Occasionally I get to hear some good news. Throughout the years there has been a lot of bad news. People I have known eventually passed away, some would move away from the area completely because that was the only way they could get clean.. but then there are those who sorta disappear but one day re-appear. The first guy I knew that sorta disappeared but re-appeared later. He was an alcoholic, this older man by the name of Peter. Peter's story is one that always encouraged me. He constantly struggled as an extreme alcoholic who to this day can't use scope because of the alcohol content in it and because of his personal history of using mouth wash to get drunk off of. I never thought in a million years I'd ever see Peter sober. When I first met him he was siting in his own vomit getting sick from all the mouth wash he just drank. Over the years I'd see him experience periods of being sober but then falling off the ban wagon again and it just seemed like this vicious cycle he just couldn't get free from but then one day I saw him sober again and so I decided to chat with him. By this time I had been with the blue bus for about a year... perhaps a couple of years and perhaps this was after my first year at Bible College as well. Peter began to share with me a promise he believed in his heart that if Peter committed his life to Jesus and trusted in Him for his sobriety then the Lord would bless him and that he would prosper. I thought of Jeremiah 29:11 where the Lord says, "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord... " He shared with me that story and he was happy. I never saw him filled with such joy, I knew the Lord was with him and that the promise was a very real promise. About a year and a half passed since that conversation and Peter had disappeared and at times he had come to mind and now whenever he comes to mind I pray for him. As I came walking out of the skytrain and saw Peter panning for money. I could smell the mouth wash as I approached. Instantly what came to mind was the conversation that we had the year before. As I approached I asked the Lord for a word to give.. to do or say something that have eternal weight behind it, something that may enable Peter to really see the Lord was for him and not against him. What came to mind was the time when the Apostle Peter in Acts 3:6 encountered a crippled man begging for money or food. Peter said, "silver or gold, I do not have but what I do have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth get up and walk," And so I sat next to Peter on the concrete steps, I prayed for the Lord to enable Peter to, if nothing else, remember what it was that I felt I needed to say. As I sat next to Peter I said, "silver or gold I do not have but I give you what I do have... Peter, do you remember when you told me a promise you believe the Lord gave you that if you remain sober then the Lord will prosper you. I don't know much but what I'm convinced about is that a promise is a promise and when a promise is given from our Lord He is faithful to keep his promise as He is faithful to his word. The Lord wants to prosper you in all areas of your life if you will let him. I think I'm suppose to just remind you that God is faithful, He always has been and always will be and He is true to His word. That was the last I had seen from him in quite a few years. When I had seen him again he was sober, happy and filled with joy. I gave him a great big hug with this sense of being in awe of God and how He can transform the life of anybody who will place their trust in Him. Again, catch up time. This time around... he started up a moving business that was thriving and growing and he was engaged to get married and there was something very different about him... he was marked by the Lord and he began to see the promises God gave him of prosperity begin permeating through his whole being and life.

Just today after work I had an encounter with this young girl. I guess she is about 5'5".. petite punker with the piercings, the buzz cut hair with the mohawk, and multiple color eye shadow. From the corner of my eye I saw this girl wave her hand in my direction. I was about to just ignore what I thought happened but wasn't sure but I sensed that I needed to approach her so I did. She did look familiar to me so it wasn't like I was approaching this complete stranger. It turns out, just over a little bit of a year she was out on the street panning for money and occasionally I would stop to talk to her and her punk squeeggie kid friends of hers. There was something different about her though. She was clean and honestly she had better clothes then what I have and again, she was clean but still sporting the mohawk, piercings, and artistic flare of makeup. The first thing she told me after explaining to me who she told me she finally got off the streets. I sensed in her hope for a better future. And I pray the same kind of victory and prosperity that came to Peter would also be given to this girl the friends she's living with.

May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and the steadfastness of Christ ~ 1Thess 3:5

Coffee Talk Thursday: Ignation Contemplation

2011-11-03T23:28:00.000-07:00

The more I encounter Roman Catholic teaching, especially from the Jesuit order I am beginning to appreciate the strengths I'm seeing along with a growing appreciation for the Roman Catholic's spiritual journey. My church has had a Catholic Priest come in and teach on cultivating intimacy with Christ. One such spiritual practice is the Ignation Contemplation.... encountering Christ in the scripture. Below is from a hand out I received at the talk given by the Priest leading this discussion.

Ignation Contemplation ~ Encountering Christ in Scripture

The Principle and Foundation

The human person is created to praise, reverence, and serve God our Lord, and by this means to attain salvation.

Things on the face of the earth are created for human persons, to help them achieve the end for which they were created.

From this it follows that a person is to use these things as much as they help one reach this purpose. A person ought to rid oneself of any thing so far as it hinders one from reaching this purpose.

For this it is necessary to make ourselves indifferent from all created things wherever we have a choice. So that, on our part, we should not want health rather than sickness, riches rather than poverty, honor rather than dishonor, long rather than short life, and so in all the rest. Rather, we are to desire and choose only what is most conducive to the end for which we are created.

~based on #23 if the Spiritual Exercise

The Principle and Foundation invites me to:

~Evaluate the things, relationships and situations in life in light of the purpose of my life.

~Let go of all that hinders me from God. Embrace all that leads me to God.

Inordinate Attachment -

Something that leads me away from God and the purpose of my life and yet something to which I hold. It may be a possession, relationship, attitude, or behavior.

Indifference (Ignation Indifference) - living with a balanced heart. Being free enough to embrace that which leads me closer to God and the purpose of my life.

Again, the Kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls; on finding one pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had and bought it.~Mt 13:45-46

Questions for Reflection
~Is there anything in my life that draws me away from God?
~Is there anything in life that I place before God?
~Is there anything that is not healthy and yet is difficult for me to let go?
~What would it be like to ask Jesus to give me courage and grace to let go of these things?
~What is the ultimate purpose of human life?
~What in life leads me closer to God and attaining the purpose of my life?
~What nourishes and fulfills me in life?
~What encourages or enables me to live our my vocation more fully?
~What would it be like to ask Jesus to help me to embrace these things more fully?

To ask Jesus to help me to embrace these things more fully...

I know this isn't exactly a coffee talk discussion but if you ever have coffee with me it is possible to get into one of these intense conversations. I like to discuss these things. I like talking about spirituality and any conversation that may enrich my life. Daily I ask Jesus to help me embrace what gives life, what honors God, and the good things that God has for me. How can one really receive the love of the father if they're too broken to receive? How can one fully receive the love of the father if what is in our possession hinders us from receiving His absolute love for us? If you hadn't guessed it by now it's more of receiving love then it is about dissecting the theology and every words spoken, not that truth isn't important....

...but we can have all the truth in the world but if not love then we have nothing.

Word On Wednesday: Christianity & Homosexuality

2011-11-02T23:42:00.000-07:00

It's getting late in the day and I had committed to post something, anything, on certain days and while it is late in the day I am still going to post something even if Word On Wednesday is read on Thursday :)

I just read this article... here are a few quotes from the article and my response... and if you wish to read the article here's the link -------> Christianity and Homosexuality.

Here's a quote from the article below
The homosexuals and lesbians have gained considerable political and social momentum in America. They have "come out" as the term goes, left their closets, and are knocking on the doors of your homes. Through TV, radio, newspapers, and magazines, they are preaching their doctrine of tolerance, equality, justice, and love. They do not want to be perceived as abnormal or dangerous. They want acceptance and they want you to welcome them with open, loving arms, approving of what they do....

The new gay moral revolution at times really neglects the individual person. If you have spent any time in the gay community or even the relatively short time as I have experienced you would know that there is a lot of diversity even within the LGBTQ Community. We all have different stories and not every story has an individual with heart breaking abuse and trauma in their background and it has to be said that not every story is the same and not every LGBTQ identified person is so much into politics that they're on your doorstep demanding for you to approve of everything they do and yet there are some who's definition of acceptance of the LGBTQ identified individual is to affirm their lifestyle and affirm who they sleep with and that just naturally overflows into the political spectrum and our schools. Personally speaking, the school board shouldn't have the right to interfere with a parents responsibility of teaching their child moral and ethical views on sexuality.

In this heated political and cultural war gay affirming churches and gay activists within the church have done their best to redefine love, truth, and tolerance to the point of even developing a language and ways of communicating that only affirm what's being redefined as opposed to actually going back to the scripture and having an honest dialogue and conversation over what scripture really teaches but there are certain blockages to communication that really need to be brought back into the present dialogue.

Where do you find your identity?

A large part of gay activism isn't just gaining acceptance but it's the work of turning the water muddy and less clearer. When certain things are less understand it is that much easier to give room to deception and so I can see why many would on one hand base their identity in who they are in the sexual being vs who they are in Christ... but that would leave room to suggest that who they are in Christ might not leave room for homosexuality as a means for identity but when people want they're gay identity affirmed anything spoken against homosexuality is seen as a personal insult against the individual. The individual struggling with same sex attraction or accepting of their same sex attraction may very well have to lay down their sexual identity when others point to the sin of homosexuality. Our behavior is not what defines us it's rather just what we do. Who defines us is our God and Savior Jesus Christ and everything else is just secondary.

Anyways, I leave you with this thought...
I'm not a gay christian. I am a Christian who experiences same sex attraction and my convictions of what I do in light of who I find myself attracted to may very well be different from the one who may identify themselves as a gay christian. I am not an ex-gay christian because who I am will never be determined by what I did and again I am a Christian who experiences same sex attraction and have chosen to not act on these feelings and emotions. And even if same sex attraction has become a thing of the past and has become ancient history the label ex-gay could be something I could claim it still would never be something other than a label and identity contrary to who I am in Christ, a new creation, a woman created in the Image of God.

Somethin Sunday: Dusty Road

2011-10-30T01:19:00.000-07:00

I was just introduced to this song this week. It is beautiful and powerfully moving. I believe the story is in reference to the story of the prodigal son who takes his inheritance early and squanders it. Then one day the son returns home. It says that while the son was still a fare distance away the Father saw him coming home, picks up his robe, and runs to greet his son with kisses and an embrace along with a feast in celebration of his sons return home. I thought for Somethin Sunday I'd share this video ...

Dusty Road

and I've been gone for a long time now, a wanderer on this dusty road

and I'm crying out for you God, to come to me, and lead me home,

I'm ready now, I've changed my heart, I'm running into, into your arms
and you meet me Father, on this dusty road
and you come with a ring, and you come with a robe

and you meet me Father, on this dusty road
and you wipe away my tears, and you lead me home

and you meet me Father, on this dusty road
and you come with a ring, and you come with a robe

and you meet me Father, on this dusty road
and you wipe away my tears, and you lead me home

and I believe, Oh I believe, that you love me God, that you want me God
and I believe, Oh I believe, that you love me God, that you want me God

Come Let Us Reason Together: Invite Jesus Into Your Life

2011-10-29T03:14:00.000-07:00

Come now and let us reason together says the Lord, though your sins are as scarlet
they will be as white as snow... ~ Isaiah 1:18

Some of you may know that I created a page on facebook called Sanctuary (hope for those struggling with unwanted same sex attraction) and well somebody had commented on the page and I kinda wish I was able to respond. And since I couldn't respond on the page itself I had the idea to write a response here. To be honest I really do dislike the fact that there are times dialogue just shuts down. This is one of the reasons why I do like "bridging" initiatives. However, the times I become frustrated with "bridging initiatives" is when the "bridging" allows no room for conflict and when Pastors are taught to disengage from discipleship and encouraged to support a person's sexual identity that is nowhere near biblical. I have issues with that, mainly because discipleship has everything to do with maturing in Christ and developing our identity in who we are as a new creation in Christ. We can live our lives through the filter of our sexuality as we experience it or through our faith. We can exalt our feelings and emotions above the word of God or we can live our lives with the word of God as our foundation in life and in our relationships. I really believe discipleship is what we're called to in our churches and if that's true then that does mean there must be a time to engage beyond dialogue and a need for the disciple to learn what the bible teaches with regards to how we live our lives. Sometimes that means the difficult and tough words must be spoken and the disciple must go through a season of wrestling with the truth being spoken rather than being comforted in the dung filled pit they were found in. I can't see that God would just continue to love on a person while they sit in a dung pile. I really believe the Cross of Christ is so much more then being loved as we sit in the dung pile. And while we are loved as we sit in the dung pile Jesus came so that we might be able to experience life beyond the dung pile. Am I equating homosexuality with a dung pile? Not really. I'm equating life apart from God as that dung pile and something we all share in our humanity is that dung pile. The only difference is that some may have gotten in a little deeper then others.

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son
that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.
For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world
but to save the world through Him. ~ Jn 3:16, 17

My heart grieves for the individuals who believe God to be more condemning then grace-filled in response to their struggle with same sex attraction, especially those who have made homosexuality their identity vs their identity as a blood bought child of God who has been created in God's Image and in Christ becoming restored. Jesus didn't die on the cross just to comfort us in our sin but to provide a way out and to make room for us to be fully restored in Christ.

"I can't believe in a god that denies and damns me for something that is beyond my control, how I feel, how I love. If by being born a homosexual means I am denied access from enjoying eternal glory? I don't want it then." ~ Anonymous

Wow there is so much packed into this statement and I know whole books have been written on this topic and so I write this in a blog format knowing that I won't be touching on everything that is said or pointed to within this one statement.

I'm not sure if you caught the source of identity of the one making the comment. Their identity was based solely on and central to their sexual feelings making their feelings and emotions one in the same as who they are as individuals not simply just an experience. I'll break up the statement and respond the best way I can...

I can't believe in a god that denies or damns me for something that is beyond my control...

I will answer in short... the bible is specifically clear when it comes to behavior vs identity. The sad reality is that many people are going to hell not because of their homosexuality but because they don't know Jesus. And some like this person who made the comment unfortunately makes the mistake that God condemns them for feelings and emotions beyond their control. I personally don't view feelings and emotions as sinful in and of themselves. I believe feelings and emotions are what makes us human. Now, what we do with our feelings and emotions is another thing altogether. When it comes to behavior, we always have a choice. The first choice that we can make is to surrender our lives to Jesus as Lord and Savior. The second choice we have is to read the bible and study the scriptures to see what the bible actually teaches regarding the act of homosexuality. The third choice we have is to give Jesus access into our hearts and allow for the Father to speak to us and to bless us as His children. The fourth choice that we have is a willingness for us to allow God to soften our hearts and for Him to reveal to us His ways and then to follow His ways.

It is not God denying us but rather God is asking of us to deny ourselves. In fact, we're called to take up our cross and follow Jesus. We are called to be a living sacrifice as the Apostle Paul has written to die is gain and to live is Christ. It is no small step for sure to make as it leads many through the cycle of grieving. There is a tremendous amount of loss as we willingly choose to give up certain things that has become part of our identity and we may even grieve the loss of friends. I can share with you the very dark place it was when I first made the step towards a deeper commitment to Christ. There couldn't have been a place where I felt more alone but God doesn't ask us to deny ourselves without the intended purpose of blessing us. He doesn't withhold but there are times when God asks us purposely to surrender and to give things up only because the releasing of these things results in life not death even though it might feel like death. Death is kinda sorta needed in order to experience the fullness of His resurrection. We first have to be willing to leave what is familiar in order for God to bring us into the land of His promises and His blessings.

If by being born a homosexual means I am denied access from enjoying eternal glory...

Well, there has yet to be any substantial proof to suggest that there is such thing as our sexuality being genetically fixed that is comparable to the color of our skin or the color of our eyes. There are certain traits that are fixed genetically. One of the key reasons why I have such a hard time believing people are born gay is because none of the research to date has been duplicated and none of which actually proof that homosexuality is genetically fixed. Much of the research may show a genetic vulnerability towards the development of same sex attraction but even in this there is nothing that states a definitive answer with regards to homosexuality being an unchangeable characteristic of an individual. Being born gay and the existence of genetic vulnerability are two different things. As I've mentioned before, when it comes to alcoholism there is a genetic vulnerability. There is also a genetic vulnerability towards the development of serial killers... at which point do we stop using genetic vulnerability as an excuse for our behavior being morally accepted in society? "well I was born with this genetic vulnerability and so it's just the way that I am...." for some it's just an excuse but for others I can understand there is this growing acceptance and grace in the place of understanding more of the complex nature of the development of same sex attraction. I believe the first step towards wholeness is to recognize some things are beyond our control but there are some things we do have control over. I don't necessarily accept the whole genetic vulnerability thing either. What I believe is we've all been born in a fallen creation, a fallen world and as a result man and woman have been born reflecting a distorted image of God and while being born reflecting a distorted image of God the result became one of distorting who God is. Man has a natural tendency to make God into our Image when really discipleship is about being transformed into the likeness of Christ and all about restoring God's Image that God intended to be reflected in mankind.

I heard it said that the opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality, the opposite to homosexuality is holiness.

I think a discussion on holiness and how that applies to disciples of Christ is for a whole other blog post and deserves a better response then what I can give right now. I think this is a very complicated topic especially for the individual who's personally affected by homosexuality. I may not give the best of responses but one thing I do know is that God doesn't turn away from the homosexual and there is nothing to lose by inviting Jesus into the circumstances we face regardless if we're fully accepting of homosexuality and living the lifestyle or not. Just invite Jesus into your life, invite Him to speak into your heart and begin a journey and relationship with Him. It really just begins and ends in a relationship with Jesus.

Coffee Talk Thursday: What's Coming Next !?

2011-10-27T00:45:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Coffee Talk Thursday!

So... if you've been following my blog then you know that I've been looking for ways to change my blog and add to it. As I've been pondering on what I can do with this blog I've been pondering the possibility of actually communicating to my readers that there will be more consistency of my posting and what better way then to have one or two specific days. I also wanted to communicate it in more then just writing one simple post to say hey I'm going to post more consistently and more regularly. For this I've come up with a few ideas.

My first idea is to have 2 regular days of posting and I tried to make it work along side my work schedule so that I can make sure I have some consistent timing with this.

Yesterday I launched Word for Wednesday.

And I've decided to work with a few more days out of the week as well. So I've really been creating more of a schedule and I wanted my readers to know that first, this schedule is being developed and second, I've just launched the first phase in this developing schedule.

Sunday:

Somethin Sunday

Wednesday:

Word on Wednesday

Thursday:

Coffee Talk Thursday

Monday Monthly Book Review:

I would also like to start writing up book reviews as well and so when the time is right I'll see about doing a book review once a month, it's more or less just adding my thoughts and my reflections upon what I've read. The book review will take place on the last Monday of every month. I figure Monday Monthly Book Review will start up not this month but the following month, so... the end of November. I might have to eat my words and bump it up but I'm going to try for the end of November. At least I'll first write about books I have already read over the last few years and so some of you will probably recognize the book as you yourself have read it. Perhaps we can discuss the book further and create some dialogue with it.

This seems like a lot of work but it's not really...
I think for the most part this will end up being a light read. On occasion maybe something a little more then just a simple read. Some posts will be very very short while others will be longer, it all depends on how much time I have. The point with this isn't to post as much in-depth material as possible but to just have a blog that has regular postings. Sometimes I'll just highlight the blogs of other people and blogs they've written.

Anyways.... I invite you into conversation ...

Word On Wednesday: Trusting In Process

2011-10-26T00:58:00.000-07:00

I thought I would take the sermons I hear on Sunday and expand on it here but I felt to go in a different direction because my church is right now on a series about Jonah and the Whale. I'm not so certain that Jonah and the whale actually applies specifically with my blog at the moment so I wanted to write about somebody else. I did say I'd keep this one short so it will be.

Mark 8:22-25

They came to Bethsaida, and some people brought a blind man and begged Jesus to touch him. He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village. When he had spit on the man's eyes and put his hands on him, Jesus asked, "Do you see anything?" He looked up and said, "I see people, they look like trees walking around." Once more Jesus put his hands on the man's eyes. The his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly.

I find it interesting that the people who brought the blind man to Jesus had a request. That request was for Jesus to touch the blind man. No other passage of scripture where there is a healing was there a request to be touched. Often times this passage of scripture is referred to as the double healing. Back in the day people who were blind were stigmatized and marginalized from regular society and often times reduced to becoming beggars on the street at the mercy of anyone who might spare some change.

When I look back and read about the encounters Jesus had when he healed somebody there was always something very significant with what he would do. On one occasion he asked this paralytic man if he wanted to be well. To many of us this seems like a no-brainer.. of course the man wanted to be well, or at least if that were me that were unable to walk, of course I'd want to walk. However, the question do you want to be well had also implied something. To the paralytic man Jesus said, "pick up your matt and walk." Responsibility often follows healing and when you're so used to a life of having no responsibility to all of a sudden have responsibility there is a price to pay. If you are healed that means instead of asking for change it would be time to start inquiring about a job. A Pastor of mine once said, "you know the bible says if you don't work you don't eat" so if you're an able bodied person you should simply, get a job!

So here's the blind man with a group of people asking Jesus to touch. Jesus takes him by the hand and leads him outside the village.

I never quite saw this before until somebody pointed this out. I mentioned above. The request wasn't that Jesus heal the blind man of his blindness but rather to touch the man. There was something deeper and more profound going on then just simply the restoration of the man's sight. Could you imagine being isolated from community, being marginalized, and literally untouchable? Could you imagine on a daily basis degrading yourself to asking people on the street for spare change? Could you imagine perhaps all the rude encounters that you'd have with people who just condemn you saying you've sinned and your father sinned and so therefore your blindness and neediness is God's wrath and judgement upon you? And then look at you with disdain? Could you imagine if you've gone through your entire life untouched? I'm not just talking about physical touch but something far deeper then that. Could you imagine then what the blind man would be thinking as Jesus takes him by the hand and leads him across the village.

That day the blind man and Jesus shared an intimate moment. The blind man was fully known in all his shame and in all his weakness and everything that brought shame upon him and his family. Perhaps the blind man experienced something a little more that day then just simply the restoration of his sight.

For many of us, leaving the gay life is leaving the familiar and moving towards and embracing what is unfamiliar. It is going on a journey in uncharted waters not knowing what to expect. All kinds of emotions are stirred up when we leave the familiar places which even though sinful has brought a level of comfort to us. We are comfortable with what we know and afraid of what we don't know and so many of us like to even define what the journey ought to look like. We are so used to the familiar that we, at the very least consciously or unconsciously seek to control the parameters on the how we're healed and where we're healed.

Some of us are needing to take Jesus by the hand in our spiritual blindness and be led by Jesus without defining what happens from there.

Some of us are on the edge are in the place of partial healing and simply need to trust Jesus in the place of still being healed.

If we're all honest none of us are completely healed. We're all still on a journey of being healed or, of being transformed into the likeness of Jesus. I would argue that our full sight isn't completely restored on this side of heaven and so we're in the place of still being healed and trusting in the complete work of Christ. It is possible that Jesus wants to touch us in places that are less obvious. Some of us we're so consumed by our struggle with same sex attraction that our focus becomes so narrow and so focused that we lose sight in the bigger picture.

Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. ~ Philipians 1:6

Word On Wednesday: Starting A New Series

2011-10-25T15:43:00.000-07:00

This will be something that will have to be a work in progress but I want to challenge myself to be posting something on a regular basis even if it's really short. Last year I hadn't really been focused on this blog much but over the next year I hope to really develop the blog this year.

To start I have decided to start a new series called Word On Wednesday.

So every Wednesday I will be inviting you into my Sunday experience. I will reflect on the word spoken that day at church and also share my thoughts and what I've reflected on as I listened to Sunday's Sermon.

Join me this Wednesday and every Wednesday for Word On Wednesday

The Significance of A Name

2011-10-24T00:16:00.000-07:00

My name is Sarah - Jane ...
There is growing in me this new appreciation for my name. Perhaps because I'm getting older, maturing, I don't know, but one thing I do know is there is actually a significant meaning behind my name which is rooted in this fine balance of feminine strength and perhaps this is the reason why I've had this ambivalence surrounding my name. Not only have I had this seemingly distant understanding of what true femininity is, actually for many years the feminine grew mysterious for me, I didn't readily understand femininity and that's not to say that I fully understand today because I don't. I do know however, the feminine isn't as mysterious because it's becoming more and more of an experiential reality in me. You know, some girls go through a season of being what's called a tom-boy and in my younger years, especially my early years that was a label that was placed on me but most girls who go through the tom-boy phase generally grow up well adjusted within a sense of who they are as women but then there are others that seem to go through something a little more deeper rooted in their heart of hearts and it goes well beyond any tom-boy labeling and it ventures into this complete rejection of anything and everything feminine and there comes this psychological drive whether consciously or unconsciously to become better then men and then others may have such a deeply rooted fear and hatred towards men. Then there are still others who in their rejection of the feminine, the only other option is this pseudo-masculine posture and again, this is either done consciously or unconsciously, I believe more so unconsciously then consciously.

When I first began this journey I did this exercise, I looked at my naked body in the mirror and said to myself, I am a woman, I am a woman created in God's Image, I am feminine albeit it's masked somehow and in some way but deep within me is and has been and God-created femininity and it is good to be a woman. The first time I did that I really felt kinda odd but I knew I had to because there was such a disconnect and fractured sense of who I am as a woman. In my life experience I didn't have a consistent role model of what it means to be a woman. My Mother passed away when I was two and my older sisters were significantly older then I am and the majority of the women in my life were just not significantly present in my life and so there really had been this void of relationship with other women who were able to really convey that it is good to be a woman and there were few if no men in my life to let me know it was safe to be a woman. So I grew up believing that it was not good to be a woman, I was less than and left vulnerable as a woman. My twin brother had way more freedom then I had and I had believed it was because he was a boy. My brother seemed to be allowed to shorten his name whereas when my friends called me Sarah or Jane or even SJ my father hated it. My argument was that Jeffrey had friends calling him Jeff and so why couldn't my friends call me either Sarah or Jane for short. In the latter yeas of my time in Elementary school people began calling me Janey and to be honest at the time I really liked being called Janey. My Grandfather used to call me Sarah-Janey and he was the only one who could. As a little girl I can remember running up to my Grandfather and as I'd jump up he'd pick me up and hug me so tight I could barely breath and then as he'd kiss my cheek his wiskers would scratch my face. Those were the days I had Grandparents living in Steveston and my brother and I would go frog hunting or taking over the streets in the village with our cool hot rod bikes, my cool red hot rod bike and my brothers cool blue hot rod bike.

A few years back I was at a family reunion and at the reunion I voiced my dislike for my name. First of all, my full name is a bit of a tongue twister and I've always had a lazy tongue to begin and so it's WORK to pronounce my first name let alone my last name. My last name I couldn't even spell right for the longest time. One day my father sat both my brother and I had the dining room table and there we spelled out our last name on every line on a piece of paper just to get us to be able to spell our name right. It worked, ever since then I spelled my last name right and I think if it were not for that exercise alone I'd be referring back to my id to get my name spelled right. So while I mentioned to Uncle Walter I had a dislike for my name he kinda looked at me with this expression that only Uncle Walter could express. It was somewhere between a comical face and a disbelief all wrapped into one. Then finally, after an awkward silent break Uncle Walter told me that I was named after his Grand Mother, Sarah-Jane Pybus. I then tried to explain that it was just that I had found pronouncing my full name difficult as it usually comes out somewhere between Sir-Jane to Sar-Jane so again it's work to say Sar-ah-Jane. I'm surprised when people at church or my friends call me by my full name but in a way I'm really beginning to appreciate it. My family will always call me by my full name so it's nothing new under the sun when they call me.

Uncle Water is the brother of my Grandfather William (Bill) Husband, my mother's father. When my mother was about 9 her fathers fishing boat capsized somewhere off the shore of the West Coast in Canada. When that happened Search and Rescue teams were sent out for months before they stopped searching, his body never being recovered. I was named after the Grandmother of my Grandfather, my Great Grandmother. And so my name really does have significant value beyond it just being my name. My name also reminded my Uncle of his Grandmother. After Uncle Walter shared with me the history of my name cousin Jane share with me how my parents came up with my name... actually it was more of brain storming conversation that cousin Jane had with my Mother. I think, there was the option of just calling me Jane but then my Mother said, no lets call her after my Grandmother. And so my Mother was the one to name me and that really placed in me a deeper value in my name. I can also appreciate the reason behind my father hating my name being shortened. There are people who call me Sarah and there are a couple people who might call me Jane or SJ and all I can say is that I might start introducing myself as Sarah-Jane but I might have to take some speech therapy lessons first ;)

When people would respond to my name I would hear one of two things that would always make me cringe inside. The first would be, "oh, so where is Abraham?"... ::: still cringing inside:::: the other would be the mentioning of the Hebrew meaning to Sarah which is Princess and I'd cringe inside because I'm nothing like any Princess. Then there is the name Jane which is, Fullness of Grace. Beyond the cultural definition of grace I can really appreciate the meaning of Jane. Princess, Full of Grace. Jane has more power behind it and well I'm still nothing like a Princess but I do find it a bit of an irony that I've been walking through a journey of reclaiming my femininity and embracing the woman that God intended for me to be and my name fits really with me the journey itself.

I live to break every boundary that any stereotype might seek to define...
I live my life central to the cross and allow for my Creator to define and as I heard a friend once say, and quite frankly who has the right besides Jesus to define me. The powers at be in pop-culture doesn't have that right to name me or to define me either. Our world is slowly changing and there seems to be a growing stigmatization for those who make the choice to leave the gay life and to like myself pursue a life beyond homosexuality while making our life central to the cross of Christ and allowing for our maker to define us before pop-culture or the American Psychological Association for that matter can or ever will.

True biblical Christianity is Counter - Cultural...
True biblical Christianity is certainly counter-cultural, especially when living in a post-Christian Nation like Canada. There might be some people who remain in the dark, in the dust, with the dinosaur fossils but truth be told Canada cannot claim to be a Christian Nation when Christians in Canada are in the minority despite whatever Christian influence there had been while Canada developed as a Nation.

We will either allow for pop-culture and the American Psychological Association to define us and to place restrictions on how we choose to practice our faith and walk out our salvation or we can take hold of the cross and allow for our resurrected Christ to define what and who we can become as we trust in Him on this journey of reclaiming everything we've lost and the blessings that follow.

Psalm 139:13-18...
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mothers womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts.
How vast is the sum of them,
they would outnumber the grains of the sand--
when I awake, I am still with you.

That exercise I did while looking at my naked body in the mirror isn't an exercise I do anymore. That disconnect I had mentioned isn't felt to the same degree it once was. I can still experience same sex attraction but I no longer fear the development of same sex attraction, when it does surface I am free to release it at the cross of Christ and allow for the cross to define any friendship that I might develop and I'm free to do so without any fear of any attractions that surfaces because it no longer has the same hold on me it once did, it no longer defines me, and it certainly does not have to dictate my behavior. And of course, pop-culture and the American Psychological Association can't dictate how I live my life either. It's not an accredited therapist I need when really it is Jesus who I really need so that I can stand at the cross of Jesus in all my brokenness, in all my weaknesses and vulnerabilities towards sin, and stand forgiven and renewed.

I don't know about you, but to me that sounds a heck of a lot like freedom.

When God Holds On

2011-10-10T19:24:00.000-07:00

The Grace of God Holding Us

The day my twin brother and I were born my Mother ended up getting a serious infection and for a while things with my Mother had been touch and go. I think the story has it that my Mother's regular doctor had gone on holidays and so my Mother didn't have her regular doctor has this infection began to grow out of control. My Father ended up having to be right at the doctors heal yelling and screaming at the doctors to get their act in order to check up on my Mother because none of what they were doing had any affect on dealing with the infection and my Mother's condition was just getting worse. Finally, I think somebody managed to get in contact with my Mother's regular doctor and so he came in running and after yelling and screaming at all the doctors on staff he checked up on my Mother, made a few simple changes, perhaps yelled at the doctors some more, made sure my Mother's condition was improving then went back on his holiday, no doubt hoping to actually have a holiday. I'm not so certain that the magical touch was in the few simple changes her doctor had made and my Mother could testify to this, Jesus healed my Mother and touched her in a way that really made a profound impact on her faith and relationship with Jesus Christ.

You cannot be on deaths doorstep and being touched by Jesus and that not have an impact on your life. My Mother described the event as if Jesus literally walked into the room, wrapped his arms around her throughout the night as she sweated out the infection and as God healed her in this area. She said it felt like death was crawling all over her but when Jesus walked into the room everything changed. Peace entered the room and she would rest in that peace until morning. Two years later my Mother lost her battle to cancer but I look at it this way, the Lord gave me two precious years with my Mother when she nearly lost her life the day my twin brother and I were born.

Some time after my twin brother and I were born my Nana came to visit from Norway. One day she came walking in through the front door to see my Mother playing with my twin brother and I on the floor and right away began to complain to my Mother about the state the house was in with the laundry piling up, never mind the hired help my parents had to help my parents to take care of two sets of twins and the many friends within our small community who came to help out frequently, my Nana had her priorities but they were different from the priorities that my Mother had. My Nana lived as though she'd live forever and I think my Mother's words must have had an impact because this was one story among many that she would tell me years later.

"The laundry will always be there needing to get done but I won't always be there for my kids" ~ In honor of my Mom, cheering me on with the great cloud of witnesses who have gone on before me.

Sometimes life is just so hard that the only way through is knowing that God is holding on and perhaps even tighter than we can hold on to Him.

My Father is a commercial fisherman; he has spent most of his life fishing all up and down the West Coast of British Columbia, Canada. Over the years I've had the opportunity to go out for a couple of seasons. I know I've shared this story once before in one my earlier blog posts but it was a while so... when I was 17 I began learning how to navigate the fishing boat. After nearly sinking the boat on more then one occasion, and nearly crashing into the side of not one but two of the cruise ships passing by, and nearly beaching the boat on another occasion, I thought this is quite the adventure for sure. Not too long ago I finally got my learners and I've made this one observation, navigating on water and on land is not necessarily a gifting of mine. It is something I have to invest my time and energy in if I want to navigate safely and efficiently. Perhaps my Father forgot how I was with driving his boat but then again maybe not because after about 15 minutes his stress levels became just a little too high and he was right back in the drivers seat of his big truck that nearly took over the road.

Life in general isn't something we can just coast along while hoping we'll accomplish the task ahead. The time I coasted once before, while navigating my Father's fishing boat nearly had us come to grinding stop and with me very tempted to jump over board for obvious reasons... I'd rather face the cold water then a slightly ok, no so slightly angry Father with his net worth sinking to the bottom of a river.... thankfully somehow, in the midst of some very heavy fog somebody got on the radio to warn me and as a result I made the necessary adjustments.

When the water became rough was another time I thought I could coast along but when the boat took a sudden nose dive to the bottom of this wave only for it to come crashing over completely engulfing the boat I knew this wasn't something I could just coast through but I didn't know what to do so I just held on. Where was my Father you ask? Good question. He was fast asleep in his bunk. After a couple of powerful jolts my Father woke up and jumped up and re-gained control of the boat. And well, I've had enough encounters with my Father to feel a slight bit of pressure to try and do what I can but I didn't know what to do! And I failed to get help when I could have.

With tears streaming down my face I got what it was that God began to show me through this experience. I began to confess to God all of what I thought was wrong with my life including all my pain and the confusion I had been living in and really began to cry out to God for Him to show me His ways that I could walk in His ways. I had faith in Jesus Christ and a relationship with Him but... the only thing is, at some point I had stopped cultivating my relationship with Jesus and just ended up coasting along. It was like Jesus had become an afterthought, or something added as part of my life instead of Jesus permeating His life in me. There is a huge difference between Jesus being in us, dwelling in us, and moving in and through us, then there is with Jesus be just a part of our life as if there are times he's pushed off to the side. Having Jesus permeate His life in us means that our life is defined through and in Him and our experiences become subjective to each individual person but Jesus Christ never changes and God's word never changes, His truth yesterday is the same truth today and His word for yesterday is the same word for today.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are you ways my ways, declares the Lord, for as the heavens are higher then the earth, so are my ways higher then your ways, and my thoughts then your thoughts. For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return from there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty but it shall accomplish that which I purpose and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. ~ Isaiah 55:8-11

When God begins to convict us of our ways and calls us to embrace another way He doesn't do this without intending on giving us everything that we need so that His will is accomplished in our lives. And when He calls us to surrender the things which we cherish in our flesh and our heart of hearts, He does not do this without the desire to give us a new heart and a love for the new and for what is holy. And He does not call us into what is unrealistic for His power and ability to accomplish in our lives. It may very well look unrealistic and impossible from where we are because all we see is what we're surrounded by but just maybe God is calling us to see our life not from our own perspective but from His.

Time For a Change of Scenery

2011-10-02T21:17:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about the direction I want to take my blog writing this year.

Also, I've done some simple changes to the layout of my blog.

I have an idea... if you'd be at all willing to comment below with suggestions and perhaps you have questions you'd like to see answered ... I believe I've now allowed for Anon comments as well. I think I have a few readers out there .... at any rate, if you're at all able to comment below or via social media whatever, give me a suggestion or if you have any questions maybe I could give it a whirl and see if I can answer some questions any of you might have but remember, I'm just a fellow sojourner on a walk of faith with Jesus.

Also, do you like this layout better then the old or should I go back to what I had before?

Oaks of Righteousness

2011-09-15T23:54:00.000-07:00

In comparison the Oak is seen as this majestic beauty almost like royalty among other tree's, it's sheer size alone makes this tree stand out. Perhaps, more then the sheer size and longevity of the Oak it is perhaps known best by the length and depth of it's roots. Some researchers decided to do a study on the Oak so they grew the Oak in a sheltered environment and at the right time, after recording it's growth and length of time the tree took to grow in comparison with the Oak in its natural settings they exposed the trees that grew in the shelter to the natural elements, to the rain and wind storms. What they found was that as soon as the wind came the trees were unable to remain standing but quite easily blown over. In the natural, it takes time for the Oak tree to grow. The first few years the main growth that takes place is largely unseen as the roots grow in size and strength. Then, when the time is right we eventually see the Oak grow tall and big and live for thousands of years! One of the major differences between the Oak that grew in its natural settings vs the Oak that grew in a sheltered environment was that the Oak didn't form much of any roots hence the tree being unable to remain standing when the storm winds came.

The tree grew in length but it had become top heavy with little to no substance in the roots of the tree. I can think of so many analogy's with this picture. A tree with no roots and all its substance in its head not even the core of the tree itself and nothing to its foundation to help the tree to remain standing when the winds came.

I'm not sure if I ever posted any blog with this story on it but when I think of storms I can't help but to recall an experience I had on my father's fishing boat... I've had a few including the times I nearly sunk his boat not forgetting the time I nearly beached it on another occasion or collided into a couple of cruise ships and I've currently learning how to drive and for some strange reason I'm not getting a whole lot of support in my adventure to learn how to drive! ha ha ... so far so good :)

On one such occasion on our way back from the trip I was siting in the captains chair and my dad was fast asleep in his bunk. I'm watching in front of me while watching this gigantic dip in the water and I'm looking and seeing the dip approaching and I just sat there. I didn't know what to do really, I kinda thought I'd figure something out eventually but I had no clue as to how large of a drop it would be to the bottom of this gigantic wave that immediately after the dip came crashing over the entire front end of the boat. The impact just about nearly tossed me into the wind shield I ended up bracing myself just to stay in the chair just kinda stunned with the water covering the boat but within seconds the water cleared just enough for the boat to drop again. When the boat dropped again the boat itself had this cracking noise and I really didn't know if my lack of navigation skills caused any structural damage or not, all I knew is that I began to cry out to God, "Oh dear God please let me see the light of day again," with the 3rd wave that seemed to cover the boat for a longer period of time.. I sat there for a few seconds wondering if the boat had turned over when finally the water cleared and my father had jumped out of his bunk and re-gained control of the boat.

After my father had re-gained control of the boat he proceeded to teach me how to steer the boat safely through the rough waters. Eventually my father felt I had learned the technique enough to release him to sleep some more. As I sat on the captains chair cranking the steering wheel and after my anxiety settled I was able to take a look at the surrounding area and not just focused on the waves themselves. As I began to take a look around the area began to look familiar to me as if I've I've passed by this area before. It was then a memory came back to me. The memory was of my first fishing trip. At the time I was only about 7. My stepmom did most of the deckhand work while the most I ever did was spend my time playing on the boat or lounging on the bow... the windshield of the boat had this nice incline and so it was a really comfortable spot and gave me some space when I struggled with cabin fever, other then that I counted the fish as my parents picked the fish off the net. So, I had realized that, while at the steering wheel, I had in fact traveled through this area once before. The first time I experienced the stormy weather and waves that accompanied the such weather. My first trip I didn't do so well as I got sea sick and when we hit this one rough spot I remember standing in the cabin holding on for my dear little life and while seeing the waves crashing over the boat I looked up at my father with the eyes that said, "please tell me that everything is going to be alright," I was about ready to freak and cry as the anxiety in me began to build. When my father had noticed I was about ready to cry he motioned for me to climb up onto his knee. It was obviously a different view from on top of my daddy's knee.

So, that 7 year old little girl climbed up onto her daddy's knee and while there I saw something different.... I saw my father prepare to ride over each wave as the wave approached and I saw an end to the rough waters. My father also taught me how to re-center my balance and overcome sea sickness to the point where I can cook and clean with the boat being tossed in every which direction ... the only thing is, at that time my dad was pretty much stuck having scrambled eggs on more the one occasion :)

Fast forward 10 years while cranking on that steering wheel God began to speak to me.

He said, "Remember when you were younger and all you could see were the waves crashing over the boat? Remember when you could see differently when you climbed up onto your father's knee? Remember when you were no longer afraid because you could see that your father was in control and that you were safe? In the same way I am your Father in Heaven. What you see is different from what I see. My thoughts are different from your thoughts and my ways are not your ways. I am God. Storms come and go, storms of life, the too come and they go but even in the storm I am still God,"

So as I sat there cranking the steering wheel I pondered what I felt the Lord speaking to me about. As tears streamed down my face there came this revelation to me that as my inner-world was filled with nothing but chaos, struggle, seemingly with my soul feeling tormented ... I was hurting and confused but in that I kept turning to the Lord and crying out for Him to help me. Help me Lord ... I'm confused and hurting and I know my life is not what you'd desire for me. So with tears streaming down my face I responded to what I felt the Lord asking me to respond to...

"Lord, I'm confused, help me see what you see, help me to see from where you are my life and show me your ways that I might follow" Quite honestly there can't be a more genuine prayer then that. Later that evening we were anchored or docked somewhere and I got out my bible and I began to search in the bible anything to just really confirm to me that I really heard from God and I came across this passage of scripture...

Seek the Lord while He may be found; call upon Him while He is near; let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous his thoughts; let him return to the Lord, that He may have compassion on him, and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher then the earth, so are my ways higher then your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout giving seed to the sewer, and bread to the eater, so shall my words be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. ~ Isaiah 55:6-11

We're not sheltered from the natural elements we're exposed to on a daily basis but I think many of us do our best to shelter ourselves in any which way we can. It's human nature to not want to feel pain or suffer and I'm not suggesting that's what we set out to do. It just is apart of our experience within the context of our humanity living in a broken and fallen world. And for this reason we're faced with a choice. We can be top heavy and rooted nowhere or we can allow the storms we face to enable us to become rooted. It was actually the natural elements of the wind and the rain the Oak needed to allow for its roots to grow deep. Over the years since I was 17 coming across this scripture, over the last 16 years having faced my own inner storms if you will, I've come to see with greater clarity the character of God. I've learned to not lean on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5,6) and to consider my heart as deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9). The only one I can trust is God, His character, and His word. I have a choice to align my life up with my thoughts and my thinking, my feelings and the lusts of my flesh and my felt sexuality or I can align myself up with His thoughts, His thinking, His ways and His purposes for me in my life and what He intended for my sexuality. It is God who created us as sexual beings in the first place so I'm not all that surprised that when left to our own devices and doing life as we see fit that our thoughts and thinking to do with our sexuality and relationships have become skewed. If we come to believe the bible to be true then I can't see how everything else has fallen and yet our sexuality and how we engage in relationship with each other left in tact? I don't think so. If God created sexuality then He has a design and purpose in mind. Being born into such a broken and fallen world, I'm not surprised that our sexuality and relationships have become broken and skewed from what God originally intended.

Isaiah 61:1-3
New International Version (NIV)

Isaiah 61
The Year of the LORD’s Favor
¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
   because the LORD has anointed me
   to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
   to proclaim freedom for the captives
   and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a]
² to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
   and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
   instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
   instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
   a planting of the LORD
   for the display of his splendor.

Compass for Life

2011-09-11T02:20:00.000-07:00

I have something brewing in me to share but am currently just wanting to sit on it for a while. Some of what I've been thinking about is in the area of faith and spiritual freedom. What does it mean to have faith? What does it mean to have spiritual freedom? And what does that have to do with my particular journey? And for the person struggling with unwanted same sex attraction and who are deciding to walk away from the gay life and identity, what does spiritual freedom and faith look like? Part of the reason why I ask this is because this is where I'm at. I feel the need to get my barrings figured out. The picture that comes to mind is that of a compass. Often times people start on a journey out of homosexuality without a compass and half way through they end up getting lost and unable to find their way back home. So, it's incredibly important to have a compass that will guide us along the way. I believe part of that compass is God's word, the bible and the other part is the development of discernment and ability to translate what has been written and to discern the voice of God speaking.

I can recall my father coming home after a long summer of fishing. He's a commercial fisherman. This one particular time he decided to fly back home from Vancouver Island. The plane he flew in was this small 2 engine plane. The maps that fisherman use are incredibly advanced and detailed special sea maps that mark the waters not the land and so as you look at this map it's kinda like your mind placing tricks on you because what looks to be land on the map is actually the water and plastered all over the map are all these numbers at various locations and instead of a grid like map it's more realistic then that. I took one look at the map and gave up trying to learn how to read maps... ever since I tried tackling the sea maps for whatever reason I feared the inability to read any map, not even the nicely formatted grid maps that the general public is used to reading. Anyways, as this pilot proceeded to land the plane he told my dad that's what he began to do. My father began to challenge the pilot as he said to the pilot, "uh, no.... if you try to land there you're gonna run into problems since according to this map here you're headed for water, the landing site is in the opposite direction" The pilot argued with my dad, he was certain my dad was wrong and continued towards landing the boat. and well, just as the clouds parted the pilot saw the water and was able to make the necessary adjustment. It's not enough just to have the compass we need to be able to know how to use it and use it well and to our advantage. The compass is what directs our path and guides us through, perhaps, terrain we've never passed through before.

Stay tuned to my blog because I think I have a developing story line here ... perhaps the story line is...

faith challenged and the faithfulness of God who remains close to us in our time of need.

Let Him Who Have Ears ... Let Him Hear

2011-08-19T00:26:00.000-07:00

Some people took this blind man and begged Jesus to touch him. Jesus took the blind man by the hand and lead him out of the village... In that time there was profound stigma associated with blindness, or disability of any kind, sickness and disease and here Jesus not only touches this blind man but as he's leading the blind man out of the village he's walking with the blind man side by side, hand in hand. It would be simple for Jesus to just speak the words, "be healed" he's done that on many occasions, "get up and walk" he said to one man... could Jesus not have said, "vision be restored" but no, in this case Jesus becomes a little more personal. This was something I had overlooked in my earlier Christian days. I was so in awe of the supernatural healing power of Jesus that I overlooked the deeper and more intimate interactions that people had with Jesus like walking hand in hand through a village and Jesus being willing to be associated with the stigma surrounding this blind mans disability and I overlooked a different kind of healing that probably took place when Jesus physically touched this blind man. In high school I took drama class and one of the exercises that we did involved certain trust games. One day I had to keep my eyes closed and for an extended period of time trust the person leading me around the school ground. Where that person went I went and the point was to trust the person leading me and to keep my eyes closed. It was the most uncomfortable feeling I had ever experienced and can't imagine what life would be like if I were completely blind and in such a place of trusting in the person grabbing my hand and leading me to places only they know. So I placed myself in the shoe's of the blind man, if you will. I knew what it was like to be stigmatized and so there were aspects of this story I could understand but not the fullest extent for sure. Then it happened one day when I listened to a teaching on this very story, a teaching that has had a lasting impact on me and brought to a greater depth of understanding. I never thought to ask the questions...

Why did Jesus take the hand of this blind man?

What was the purpose in Jesus leading the blind man out of the Village?

What was in the process that was important, important enough for Jesus to do all that he did just to heal the blind man when all he had to do was just say the words?

My suggestion is that there came a deeper healing when Jesus took the hand of the blind man to walk with him. Jesus didn't do anything or say anything without there being any significance. There was always something to learn with what he did and what he said and it's very easy to overlook the subtle forms of healing when we're looking for the supernatural. We think the point of this story has to do with another blind man's vision being restored. I think the story runs much deeper then that, otherwise the only thing that Jesus would have done was restore the man's vision... but he took the man by the hand and walked with him hand in hand. What was the significance in that?

As I pondered this story further I began to ask a few more questions ...

How long did Jesus walk hand in hand with the blind man before he reached the boarder of town?

Who saw Jesus walking with the blind man hand in hand?

Is it fare to suggest that there is this possibility the whole Village saw Jesus walking with this blind man. Consider this, that Jesus became willing to be associated with an individual stigmatized by the whole of society. Here's this man, rejected, marginalized, and stigmatized by society. We all have needs to be loved, to be touched, to be seen, to be heard and without that we're so incredibly alone and neglected. Here's a man that probably wasn't touched all that often and it's interesting that the friends of this blind man didn't just beg Jesus to give sight to their blind man but their specific request was for Jesus to touch their blind friend.

Mark 8:22-25
English Standard Version (ESV)
Jesus Heals a Blind Man at Bethsaida

²²And they came^(A) to Bethsaida. And some people brought to him a blind man and begged him to touch him. ²³And^(B) he took the blind man by the hand and led him out of the village, and when^(C) he had^(D) spit on his eyes and laid his hands on him, he asked him, "Do you see anything?" ²⁴And he looked up and said, "I see men, but they look like trees, walking." ²⁵Then Jesus^[a] laid his hands on his eyes again; and he opened his eyes, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly.

Tonight I went for dinner at this restaurant just off of Main Street at King Edward. It's perfect for the location. It's just a few blocks away from where I live which is on Main Street. It's a nice place I just moved into. It has mostly the hippy type, young family, or young adults kind a vibe to the area and so it works well with me. It's just not the place I shop for clothing and I guess I can get used to going to restaurants that serve organic foods. This one place in particular called the Locus, is a place I'd recommend to everyone. I went alone as per usual. That being said if anybody wants to take me out on a date I am single and available to men only :) Of course I'd enjoy a ladies night out too! Locus has this very nice club atmosphere ambiance to it but the music isn't so loud that you have to scream at each other in order to have a half decent conversation. It's a great place for a date :)

As I sat at the table I had a very surreal kinda experience. Suddenly it was like a sound like vision tunnel type experience where I was there but not. It was like my senses were awakened to a whole new level as if the sound was new. I saw the waitresses running in and out of the patio serving table's. I saw there with a nice evening cool breeze flowing through the patio and saw the silhouette of images that were highlighted from the candle lit restaurant. The sound fresh and with a rhythm that could easily be in a popular club while people danced the night away. The only thing is, it was a pleasant and sweet experience that didn't involve drunk people grinding up against each other and then leaving the club to go off and do what is typically done after a night of clubbing, you'all probably know what I'm talking about. There was something different in the air that made for a night worth remembering despite the fact I was siting and eating my dinner alone. Just for the record it's not about going out for dinner alone but rather going out and enjoying life and so if dining out is fun do it with or without people but do it, enjoy it, treat yourself every once in a while.

As the sounds were becoming crystal clear, the silhouette formed... I began to ponder life and death. It was probably a good thing I sat there alone as I began to think about my life, the things I've done and what I want to do. I also began to think about death and what I'll leave behind, if anything. As far as I know I still have a full life ahead of me but what if my life is cut short?

There is this song that I'm growing to absolutely love right about now. The lyrics run through my mind all day every day. Here's the video of the song called Christ Is Risen. A few days ago I had written a relatively short blog post. Let him who have ears let him hear...

Death isn't the end for those of us who believe and have the mark of Christ on our lives. We are saved by grace through faith in Christ but true faith will produce fruit because faith in Christ transforms lives and while our works is not what saves us but if we've had a true conversion experience we cannot escape the reality of a transformed life and who am I to place limits on what God can and cannot do. I am the created and He is my Creator. I am the clay and He is the potter. He is the one shaping and molding me into the image of His Son Jesus Christ and I am a blessed recipient of the work of Christ on the cross in more ways then one. It just happens that part of my story is from being so psychologically removed from all things feminine and from my own gender and into a whole embrace of godly femininity as God intended my femininity to be reflected and being secure in my own body. It's quite amazing to think how there used to be this felt distance and inability to really connect my mind and emotions to my body and then to have this connection. I no longer live from the mantra of, "I am a woman created in God's Image, God knit me together in my mother's womb, I am fearfully and wonderfully made ... it's no longer a mantra but rather something just simply lived, believed, and embraced. But the beginning of the mantra was the start of being willing to die. There are some things in this journey that just simply has to die and there is no easy way to go through death but death is what we're called into as Christ followers and well, if we're following Christ then we have to embrace our cross... in fact this is what Jesus said, "take up your cross and follow me... I don't have a home ... I have been persecuted therefore you will be persecuted, I was hated therefore you will be hated ... what Jesus walked into we will walk into and death is painful. We're called to put to death our old self and step into our new self. The question is, as you step into your new self, will you maintain control as to who or what that new self becomes or will you surrender that process to the Lord. My argument is this, that we will never put to death our old self if we place conditions on what that new self will look like. To me that isn't really death but rather torture because it prolongs the process of what we call death to self. What's the point in death? We cannot be raised up in Christ without first embracing death. We haven't truly begun our new life in Christ if we have not embraced death... in order to be raised up to experience the resurrection power of Jesus Christ we must first die. Here's good news for you ... you must die.

Philippians 3:8-11
English Standard Version (ESV)

⁸Indeed, I count everything as loss because of^(A) the surpassing worth of^(B) knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I^(C) have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ ⁹and be found in him, not having^(D) a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but^(E) that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— ¹⁰^(F) that I may know him and^(G) the power of his resurrection, and^(H) may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹that by any means possible I may^(I) attain the resurrection from the dead.

There is a gospel rarely told these days which is one of embracing the cross we must pick up as followers of Christ. It's not really having to do with anything but rather agreeing to sacrifice self. The last idol to crush really is the idol of self, which is, to live life as we see fit even if as we see fit takes on a religious tone to it. You'd be amazed at how many people hide behind religion and still having erected the idol of self worship. As I think about this I can't help but to think that what I'm asked to give up and surrender is NOTHING in comparison to what the Father has given to me. What I am asked to do in return is not even close to what Jesus has done for me. What I get in return is a new life and the ability to tap into the resurrection power of Jesus Christ while here on earth as the parts of me that were dead can come alive, so that the woman God intended for me to be would be free to come out from hiding and be seen. We haven't truly learned how to live until we learn how to die because life is in the resurrection. Let him who has ears let him hear....

...but the glory of Kings is to search things out

2011-08-16T18:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it isn't just mediocrity the church settles for, it's often times the counterfeit to what God offers that people will accept and embrace. It looks like God and it may even smell like it's God but it's just a really good piece of work, a counterfeit, not the real thing. I have spent this last year really diving deep into some of the toughest questions with regards to doctrine, theology, and how one might respond to their loved one's who may be struggling with unwanted same sex attraction or those who identify as gay and lesbian. Of course, this hits home and calls me to question how I might respond to myself. For me, it's a no brainer. I don't believe that the bible creates confusion and I don't believe the bible contradicts itself either and is actually quite clear on many topics such as marriage, the expression of human sexuality, and our identity.

It seems to me there is threaded throughout the scripture these words, "He who has ears let him here," That tells me that there are some people who will hear and there will be others who will not hear. That tells me that it is possible that there are things we will not hear apart from the Spirit of God giving us a heart to hear and a heart to respond. Often times we see Jesus teach in parables. On one occasion Jesus admits that he'll teach in parables to one group of people because although they have ears to hear they do not hear and then to another he'll share the deeper truths that can be gleaned from the parables because they have the heart to hear and will be the ones to respond.

It is the glory of God to conceal things but the glory of Kings is to search things out. ~ Proverbs 25:2-3

I'm done with this thought for right now but I have more to write. So I leave this post incomplete ... perhaps on purpose :)

4 Reasons Why People Leave the Post Gay Movement

2011-08-04T12:29:00.000-07:00

This has been on my heart and mind for some time now. Over the last few months I've been in dialogue and some pretty difficult debate over the post gay movement, also known as ex-gay. The term post gay is a relatively new term and I much prefer the term post gay vs ex-gay for a number of different reasons I'll get into later. Last week Vancouver celebrated the 33rd annual Pride Parade and Pride Week. I was in attendance at the parade because I never actually watched a Pride Parade before and quite honestly wanted the experience. I was surprised by how big Vancouver's Pride Parade is. The organization keeps extending the route to accommodate the number of people coming to watch the parade. Last year there was an estimated number of over 400 000 people in attendance. I heard this year had about 150 floats and the parade itself lasted 2 hours. I don't think I was ever at or involved in any parade that lasted 2 hours before. I can certainly say that I wasn't surprised by how entertaining it was. Most of us, who know the subculture know that we can usually expect a very entertaining parade. And we all know that the subculture, the people, are much more then just the parade. That said, the parade reflects a lot and a lot of which I found myself grieved over. I was grieving over a lost city, a lost group of people. I was grieving over the number of people who were obsessed by body parts and everything sexual. Quite honestly honestly the Pride Organization should have had an Asthera pole set up on a Baal float because really the major theme was very consumed by sexuality along with balloons made to look like certain body parts... and everyone creating a shrine for the body parts, this is no different then the worship of Baal. It sounds kinda extreme but the worship of Baal didn't actually look much different, OK well, I doubt they had balloons but one would wonder if balloons existed back in Jesus time if they'd use them as well.

I am amazed by the grace of God, that He would engage us right where we're at and draw us towards Himself. The grace of God is not earned it is a gift. As I recognize the grace of God as a gift I can't help but to recognize the tension we live in. Here is the tension, it is by the grace of God that we are saved not by works lest any man should boast... faith without works is dead. Let me unpack this. Faith will produce fruit but even as I write this I recognize that I am talking about two separate issues that often times are inter-weaved together into one topic. And just as these two separate topics are inter-weaved together into one topic so is salvation and discipleship. The question should rather be, am I settling for less than God's best for my life? Is there more to life then what I am currently experiencing? Am I selling God short? Surely God calls us always into a much fuller life and often times when we're mortifying passions and desires that seem so natural for us we can't always see the fuller life that God is leading us into. And often times it's our short shortsightedness and narrowlistic perspective on the journey we're starting that will give way for the potential of walking away from the journey altogether.

Over the years, both by experience and by observation I've learned and have seen 5 major reasons why people walk away from the post gay movement and I would like to spend the latter part of this post to address these 5 reasons. I'm certain that this is not the entire list that could be found but I believe that these are 5 critical reasons that I believe we should take into consideration. I kinda wish that when I first came to surrender to the Lord all areas of my sexuality and seek God's intended purpose for me that somebody sat me down and told me these things. Sure, I grew up in a church culture of learning about becoming a living sacrifice, the salvation message always included a message of counting the cost. Before I continue, consider the following passage of scripture...It's interesting

John 5:2-8
English Standard Version (ESV)
²Now there is in Jerusalem by^(A) the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic^[a] called Bethesda,^[b] which has five roofed colonnades. ³In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and^(B) paralyzed.^[c] ⁵One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. ⁶When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, "Do you want to be healed?" ⁷The sick man answered him, "Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me." ⁸Jesus said to him, ^(C) "Get up, take up your bed, and walk."

It's interesting, one would think that if you're at the pool for 38 years the answer would be of course. I don't think anyone would stay at the pool for 38 years and not want healing. Or, would they? With healing comes responsibility, with healing comes work, and often times our healing comes as we get up from the ground, pick up our proverbial mat, and start walking. Salvation is free, being delivered is free. When Israel was delivered from the hand of Pharaoh they left Egypt but they entered into a slew of trials and a slew of battles, and the work of their lives to conquer the land God lead them into. One option was to wander the desert which they had done for one whole generation, wandering around in no man's land being neither here or there with no real sense of purpose or identity as a Nation. The other option, was to move forward in faith knowing that as they enter battle to conquer the land God handed over to them God would be with them. Israel still had to engage in battle. The question is, do you want to settle for less than or do you want the full promises of God in your life? We can live a life of fullness but what if God wants to give you blessing that overflows with all of His goodness? Many Christians settle for far less than what the Lord desires to give. We see the glass full and think that's all there is but there's more. The Promise Land that God promised Israel was flowing with milk and honey, it was flowing with richness and blessing.

Here are 4 reasons why I believe many walk away from the post gay movement...

1. Agenda

I'm not advocating an agenda free journey but it is possible to have the wrong agenda altogether.

Watch this video.

2. Misconception

I would encourage people to go to the source. It is possible to have a false idea or misconception about a group of people and what their testimony is about. When I first began this journey I had some false perceptions and had some real misconceptions about the whole ex-gay movement. It lead to some real disillusionment in my life not because of the journey itself but because of some of the misconceptions I had. I'm grateful to the friends I've had who helped me see the lies I believed and the misconceptions I had about the movement and who challenged my thinking, my posturing, and the lifestyle I was involved in.

3. Egypt in their hearts

When Israel first left Egypt the ran into what seemed like a dead end. They were lead to this river to great to cross with Egypt running after them to take them back into slavery. Miraculously the river parted and they crossed over but a while later as they were still on the journey they began to complain about everything... it seemed much harder, life seemed more difficult, the road ahead seemed uncertain. They began to believe they had it better in Egypt, even the food tasted better. Israel forgot the oppression they were under as slaves. They forgot about the number of years they cried for a deliverer. In their hearts they began to turn back to Egypt. Just remember this one thing, Satan will always remind us of how fun things used to be, he'll never remind us of the painful consequences we'd later have to deal with.

4. Isolated from community

This journey is not meant to be walked out alone. We must have a few safe people who know our stories and where we're coming from and who will encourage us in the direction we're wanting to go in. It is important to have the right kind of support and to be involved in a church that will extend both grace and truth.

Here are some suggestions...

Get one on one mentoring, find a spiritual director, or find a counselor.
Get connected with a married couple if possible and not necessarily people with a similar background as yourself. It's important to interact with people who do not share the same struggle as we share. It's interesting how many people in the church who don't struggle with same sex attraction and believe that they have nothing to offer because of their self proclaimed ignorance. I believe they have more to offer to those of us who do struggle with same sex attraction then what we may realize.
Begin to develop healthy non-sexual relationships with members of the same gender and learn boundaries.
Begin to socialize in mixed gender groups.

So there from my own experiences and observations some things to consider.

As you do, in closing watch this video.

The Message of The Cross

2011-07-13T23:33:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking much with regards to repentance and Christian discipleship over the last couple of weeks and months. I have thought about my experiences and what I learned in the past. Some of what I learned in the past is for me today the foundation I live my life on and what I build my faith upon but equally so, there was much that became a great hindrance to me as well. One thing that I’m growing increasingly aware of is this divine tension of sorts. We live in this tension between two worlds. We have the Kingdom of God and we have life as we know it and see it here on this earth. There is this tension that we experience and I don’t believe for one moment that we’re supposed to eradicate this tension, necessarily. Let me explain. We have these two realities; we have the fall of creation and God’s Kingdom invading earth, the greater reality being God’s Kingdom invading earth. The more we see in our life God’s Kingdom invading, the greater the tension will be. Some seek congruence in life but I have to ask the question, to what? To what Kingdom would you want your inner life to be congruent with? If you want your inner life to be congruent with this world in which we live then we will find absolutely no tension and so then therefore there will exist no real struggle or battle but if you desire your inner life to be congruent with God’s Kingdom our flesh will respond to this growing tension as God’s Kingdom invades and permeates into every fibre of our being. To what do you want to be congruent with?

I think people mean well when they minister to the broken, they really do but for the most part many people just want to comfort the broken and take away their pain but as they do so they might actually be getting in the way of what God is doing. It is possible that it is God disturbing the comfortable that He might bring the broken and hurting closer to Him so that He could ultimately bring about His purposes in their life.

Romans 8:38, 39

New International Version (NIV)

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

We will either move forward from this place bound by shame and self hatred or we will move forward from this place resting in the love of our God. The Christian faith IS about change regardless of whether a person is gay or straight, the very message of the gospel is one of transformation and of God’s Kingdom invading the darkness of sin that we might gain freedom from sin. And lest we forget the whole message of the cross it has nothing to do with whom or what we are and it has everything to do with who Jesus Christ is and what He has done for us. When we become secure in our identity and in our salvation in Christ we are then free to live as Christ and embark on this journey of discipleship and this journey of becoming the men and women that God created us to be in our entirety.

There Is More

2011-07-03T01:20:00.000-07:00

Proactive...

Redemptive...

Restorative...

These are words that I am gaining a fond appreciation for. I'm also growing to have a fond appreciation for process as well as the journey. I was first introduced to seeing the life of a Christian as being more of a journey when I first learned of the book titled Pilgrim's Progress. I'd have to admit I never did read the book but have thought that one day I'd invest in that read but I listened to some of what people were saying as they began to talk about Pilgrim's Progress and quote John Bunyan's word.

This book will make a traveler of thee, If by its counsel thou wilt ruled be; It will direct thee to the Holy Land,If thou wilt its directions understandYea, it will make the slothful active be; The blind also delightful things to see. - John Bunyan

Tonight I went on a hike in the mountains overlooking the city of Kamloops. I am convinced that I had a pretty close encounter with God and lived to tell the story. As I slid down the path that nearly had overtaken me and looked down the cliff for miles with no rail in sight thinking of nothing but images of me falling down the cliff. It was beautiful and majestic. I love the nature and it was very relaxing to experience the period stops along the hike and listen to the running river in the distance. And then to finally reach the lookout point at sunset was just absolutely amazing.

The journey is where it's at. The life of a pilgrim, or a journey towards some unknown never experienced before land way off in the distance really takes a point of action, a point of faith, a point of decision. It calls us into something we have yet to experience and have yet to know. So often times we cut our Christian experience short because we stick to what we know and the unfortunate thing is, people are deceived to think that's it, that's all I'll ever know or that's all I'll ever be and the truth of the matter is somewhere along the journey they stopped. Just before reaching the lookout there was this pretty steep hill I looked up at and while out of breath stood at the bottom of this hill just after being told home was in the other direction. There was a part of me that just wanted to go home and another that wanted this one last climb to see the lookout. I made the decision to climb up one more hill and did it. The result was this absolute beauty. A part of me didn't want to go on the hike because I felt a level of fatigue but then I thought a little hike won't be so bad. Well, a little hike turned out to be a little more then just a little hike for this gal who rarely ever hikes through the mountains. I'm glad I did because the end result is an entirely different experience and perspective.

I spent the day in process of my church experience a number of years ago. I look back with a level of ambivalence. It was a season in my life I can be thankful for because there developed a good foundation in life, faith, and relationship with Jesus. I can look back and see that there were moments that were great and then there were moments or seasons of nothing but pain, frustration, and disillusionment with the church. In a conversation I told this one guy that the Bible College I attended in particular either lead somebody to cultivate a deeper relationship with Jesus or it lead to even greater disillusionment with the church and apparently I'm not the only one who became seriously disillusioned by the church following Bible College. What I realize now was that it was simply just a lack of community, lack of relationship. I say it's a lack of relationship and community because I was having to walk through this incredible amount of grief during the time I attended Bible College. Everything in my life was falling apart at the seems as I began to lose the people closest to me. I began to process such deep and intense grief that it hindered me from being able to do my school work. I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't work on any of my papers, and I began to enter into a crisis of faith and it seemed like everything and everyone was against me and even today as some people just count me as unfaithful and a Bible College drop out they really have no clue as to what my journey was like and the crisis I walked through. It was during that crisis I learned that the very people I thought could and would support me couldn't. There were people who couldn't but for the most part they chose not to but rather to point their fingers and make their judgments against me.

When I needed the support the most it wasn't there and that was the reason why I grew so disillusioned by the church. About a month ago I sent out sponsorship letters to various people I thought might want to support me either financially or through prayer to go to this leadership training. I sent out the letter for a couple of different reasons... the first reason was a way to test the hearts of people on whether or not they were safe people who generally cared about me enough to acknowledge me in one way or another other than the same way that they always have done before. One of the major reasons why I left one church was because of the lack of community and the lack of support. As I handed this sponsorship letter to one lady in the church she asked me if the church I'm attending today is supporting me. The irony is, when I attended her church they never supported me and now they're trying to hold my current church accountable to support me which I felt was a little odd to say the least, or rather hypocritical. I say hypocritical because they're expecting another church to be something to me they themselves were never to me. I sent out that sponsorship letter to see if there existed a level of community for me to engage with. After a few years away from the church I began to reengage with this church just to see if my experience and perspective altered because of my state of brokenness or if there existed another reason. I wanted to see if my perspective really was the truth or if my brokenness had tainted what I had seen. These are some of the questions I've had over the last couple of years as I've reengaged with some people and testing the waters so to speak. I'm not going to jump into a relationship with people who have hurt me in the past but rather take my time. That sponsorship letter was a good way to find out if I were to engage in community or if I were to just hit a muddy and nearly dried up pond of water and beaten up falling apart incomplete bridge much like the photo in this picture above.

When I saw this wharf and nearly dried up pond I had an appreciation for what it represented. It represented something that had existed in time past but for various reasons this pond had dried up and the wharf has outlived it's purpose. There was life all around and there seemed to be possibilities all around and it begged the question why? Why did the pond dry up? With the sound of the river in the distance and the water fall that we eventually came to told me that it was more then just a dried up little pond and condemned wharf. There is more to life and more to adventure then what we see in the natural. There is more to the church then what we see currently. The more I see the brokenness that seems to pervade the church today the more I see the heart of God for His Kingdom and for His People despite the hypocrisy, self righteousness, and the moral crisis that has been eating away at the very foundations of the church like a cancer.

Yesterday I bumped into a friend at the Canada Day Parade. We began talking about the church and in our conversation we also talked about Israel and her tendency towards idol worship but also her eventual repentance. We can either focus on how easy it was for Israel to turn to idols or we can focus on the heart of God that always responded when Israel cried out. God always answered Israels cry for help. He allowed Israel to turn away and worship other gods, and also face the consequences of that but when Israel turned to God He drew near and never turned His back. He answered, He always answered.

From Out of Egypt

2011-06-15T02:20:00.000-07:00

A number of years ago I entered into what could possibly have been the worst season of my life. I wouldn't wish my experiences upon anyone not even my enemy. I didn't think anything could have been worse than the childhood I lived through but it happened but I'm beginning to think that sometimes conflict can be equally an act of God's grace just as much as God leading us away or around conflict. When Israel finally gained freedom from their slavery in Egypt God purposely and intentionally lead them around the territory of an enemy nation yet Israel left Egypt armed for battle. For years I got stuck on the point that Israel finally left Egypt. I overlooked the more important but the least obvious part to the whole the story which was the fact they left Egypt armed for battle and God intentionally leads them to completely avoid battle. And then as the story progresses we see God begin to call Israel into enemy territory and into certain conflict, battle to conquer land. It is one thing for Israel to gain freedom from their slavery in Egypt and another to walk into enemy territory and while seeing the giants in the land be told to go and conquer. Often times when we read the story of Israel we focus Israel turning their back on God, turning to worship idols and the battles they've lost which would lead them right back into bondage, slavery, and exile. And of course we would also focus on Israel's repentance and turning back to God which then lead to their victories. Where is God in all this?

A number of years ago I attended a bible college. My last year attending bible college might have looked to many as a wasted year but it turned out to be one of the most fruitful years I have ever experienced in my life and one that really had shaped my perspective of God and prepared me to face one of the worst seasons of my life. It's one thing to go into our own "wilderness experience" thinking we know God and believing we do and another thing to know in our heart of hearts that we don't actually know God. The problem is this, that some times when we think we know God, we don't actually know God but rather the image of God that we created by our own intellect rather than a true relationship built from the place of intimacy. The God that we think we know really is the god we've made in our own image and perhaps the faith we've had only existed because we've coasted along borrowing from the faith and relationship somebody else had with God. It turns out then we didn't really know God but rather we've come to know about God. The question then is, how much of our understanding of who God is has been warped by our experiences with people who claim to be Christian or warped because we can't quite understand why God would allow such evil to exist in the world. And here's another question, are we shaping God into our Image or are we allowing God to shape us into His Image?

One course I had taken was called Pentateuch. It was actually a class I thoroughly enjoyed. Every morning I woke up knowing I had Pentateuch class with a teacher that made the scriptures and the story of Israel come alive made for days and classes to remember. Now, I don't remember a whole lot of the course itself but I took away with me real nuggets of truth and revelation I needed for what would lay ahead for me. The class itself wrecked me but it ultimately created room for the grace of God and for His redemptive purposes in my life to unfold in ways I never really could have imagined otherwise.

Watering down truth only degrades the value of Christ's death on the cross and thereby not really enabling Christ followers to fully appreciate not only the gravity of sin but also the extravagant love of our God.

I needed a season to wreck me. If you really knew me back then you would know where to find me. You would find me either in the chapel praying or practicing on the drumb set but worshiping along to CD's, or you'd find me practicing on the piano in the chapel while spending time in praise, or you'd find me in one of the practice rooms with the light turned off for a little privacy while in my own little world of praise and soaking in worship. One of my favorite things to do would be to enter into one of these practice rooms, turn off the lights and play the piano by feel. And if I could not be found there then I'd be in the cafeteria and if not there then maybe in my room but usually the chapel would almost always be the first place to look. At that particular time our school had been going through a little revival and so many of us would gather for prayer in the chapel at 5am in the morning and I'd be there with all the other keeners. In many ways, this season of my life was like an oasis and in many ways I was young at heart and while feeling equipped for battle so to speak, and in my naivety and youthfulness I had such incredible boldness and zeal for the Lord. I thought all my battles had been won and there existed nothing to tempt me away from the purposes that God had for me. I had one goal in mind back then which was to serve God and to enter into full time ministry. I felt that the struggles of my youth were done and over with, it was in the past and so for me I just had in mind to move forward. Basically, I lived in this euphoric state that enabled me to live outside of reality but essentially, although God had been very present and I had some amazing encounters with God, instead of actually cultivating all that I was experiencing and learning I used that time to run away from my past, to run away from the painful memories and all my failures and to run away from all my fears to the point that I refused to acknowledge the one thing that really held me back from the very thing I desired which was to move forward and to step into the fullness of which God had created me and placed me on this earth to accomplish. God calls us beyond ourselves, beyond our natural ability and to enter into a faith journey beyond our wildest of dreams but we can't get there when our lives are bound by fear and we can't get there when we're so bound by shame that we don't even know who or whose we even are. I can't think of a better way to deal with our fear and all our coping mechanisms including the false pious self righteous deeds of the flesh really, that only feeds into the religious and not the things of the Spirit, it may earn us brownie points within the church even but when we're stripped of all our coping mechanisms and all we're left with is just the person we really are without the false image displayed for all to see, we are who we are naked before God and others and somehow coming to a fresh awareness of all the pain that we've spent an entire lifetime running away from. The whole experience can be likened to the ripping off of a scab causing a fresh new wound to the flesh or worse yet, adding salt to an old wound fleshly opened.

As I sat in the chapel my last semester spent at the bible college I pleaded with God knowing that I sat in a place quite withdrawn as an incredibly detached individual and seriously confused for the first time, with all my praying and all my seeking I came to have this revelation that I needed to come to the end of myself. And I prayed a dangerous prayer that only the serious should pray.

God, I've had faith in myself for far too long. Most people I know have failed me and I've learned to only trust in myself. Bring me to the end of myself where there is no where else to turn but towards you. I want to have faith in you and to trust in you so I need to be brought to the place where I have no other choice but to lift up my eyes towards you.

I received this picture and even physically acted out the picture of buckling up because I knew the journey ahead involved the necessity of something to anchor me, really truly anchor me to some firm foundation and I chose Jesus Christ and His uncompromising word as my firm foundation. It is with that in mind I entered Pentateuch class and walked through the remainder of my time at bible college.

I would spend the next couple of months in a puddle of tears. I can remember trying to write an essay for the class. I had an option between three topics. I could write on Noah and the arc and compare that story to the ancient near eastern mysticism and history, I could write on the 10 commandments, or the character of God. I got as far as writing an outline for all 3 essays and never completing any of them. The last essay I tried to conquer I thought to myself, with all that I've done over the last few years, with this being my third year of bible college and with all the praying I do I should be able to write an essay on the character of God... OK, easy mark there I told myself. After about a week of trying to complete this essay it dawned on me that I really didn't know God. If I can't write an essay on the character of God I'm missing something and it's a pretty big chunk that's missing and if this is my third year of bible college with struggling grades then something must be seriously wrong. And it was that thought that really lead me into the place of despair and yet even though I checked out I thought to myself, I paid to be here and so I'll continue to go to my classes. I pretty much dropped out of bible college that semester but it was the best decision I had ever made because it completely liberated me to go to class and just soak in the lectures and not have to worry about regurgitating the lesson but to hear what God was saying to me. Don't get me wrong, bible college is never just about regurgitating back to the teacher everything they told you in class but rather to actually bring together our relationship with God and our journey with him along with the resource of sitting under the teaching of somebody but I was too wrecked by then to actually salvage anything to bring up my GPA so I thought I'll stick to something more important then a piece of paper that says I got a certificate of study or B.A and to what's more important then the praises of man. I had all of eternity at stake here. So continued to attend my classes. I'm not sure if the faculty even understood or quit frankly cared to know what was going on in my life. All they knew is that I had poor grades and probably looked disinterested in actually being there. I was a mess. I was crying every day and in every class I attended. I couldn't bring my inner reflections to paper let alone do a proper exegetical study on anything and all I knew is that I had some pretty huge questions that really depended upon an answer and the fear that my life was falling apart. And well, my life did fall apart but that's besides the point. God did answer my prayer and He did bring me to the place where my only option was to lift my eyes towards the heavens and towards my God. I was led into a conflict that was perfectly orchestrated by God who partnered with me in my cry to engage in life and with God beyond myself and beyond the neat and tidy Christian life I was in the middle of building for myself.

The years I spent in bible college were some of the best times of my life but also some of the worst times. Things turned when my Grandmother passed away. I can't remember the year my Grandmother passed away, it was either 1999 or 2000. It was like losing my Mother all over again. No really, she became the closest mother figure I ever had since my Mother passed away and the only mother figure I ever knew. It came to me at a great loss and it seemed to me that most people were quite aloof to my pain and incredible amount of grief I began to endure. At the time my Grandmother passed away my Nana immigrated back to Canada after Grandpa Peder had passed away and just when she came back to Canada she received a diagnosis of terminal cancer. All this while attending bible college. I was in the throws of losing some of the most significant women in my life. I felt incredibly alone and really began to live in a haze with all my grief and while this began to happen all the struggles I had seemed to surface with a vengeance. You see, I was quick to claim that I was so incredibly free from homosexuality that I must have turned straight and well homosexuality was such a thing in the past I was this poster child for all ex-gay ministries. At the same time I had no interest in any kind of ex-gay ministries and when I felt led to begin to reach out into the LGBTQ Community it was a calling I felt but a calling I didn't ask for and didn't want but there grew this conviction as God began to show me His heart for the one struggling with a conflict between their faith and sexuality. I really felt as though the LGBTQ Community was like Nineveh and well God really had to ship wreck me literally just like Jonah but that's besides the point. I didn't like the people and I separated myself from "them" because they made my own weaknesses and struggles come to light. Part of my journey really was to accept the fact that their story is actually my story and our stories were woven together and that their gay community was in fact my gay community. My response may be different then most but it's validating a person when we can see that we've all started from the same place at the cross of Jesus Christ regardless of background, regardless of where we come from.

I think sometimes many of us confuse the journey with the end goal and we think good works will stir up our faith when really good works become the fruit of our faith but that's besides the point, the point really is the point of hunger to which we cry Abba Father. When the prodigal son returned home he returned home because he was absolutely convinced of the love of his father. The prodigal son knew his identity and knew his father's character and nature and even being willing to be his father's slave because he knew his father would still take care of him. When he returned home while smelling like pig dung and needing a bath he was greeted by a father who came running and while wrapping his arms around the pig dung smelling boy his father kept kissing him, clothed him, and prepared a feast for him. I think the prodigal son was given a new perspective on his identity as a son and I think it had an affect on how he lived the rest of his life after returning home and not so much in such a way as to earn his father's love but moving forward being secure in his father's love and his identity.

The Two Big Temptations

2011-06-14T01:08:00.000-07:00

Last January I joined this bootcamp. Things were going so well then I fell off my bike at work which knocked me off the routine I had begun to develop with this bootcamp. While rehabilitating myself back to health I began by getting myself back on the bike and when the pain in my hips decreased I began a routine of riding the elliptical. Now that I've back at the bootcamp the elliptical has taken the back burner while I get back into the routine of the bootcamp which meets twice a week. I amazed myself since I was able to return to the bootcamp sessions being able to pick up my pace, the only thing with that is I can barely make it through one session but at least I'm there and working faster and harder. I've decided to up the ante recently by developing an early morning jog routine. I'm probably about 80 lbs over weight and since I started my job which has me riding a bike all day or walking all day I'm pretty active and my weight loss has recently plagued and if I'm really wanting any kind of change towards my end weight loss goal then I think I have to add this to my early morning routine. Let's see how I do. Here's a look at the routine I'm wanting to develop.

Twice a week bootcamp and on the 3rd day I'll ride the elliptical and focus on an Abs workout
Six days a week complete my early morning jog routine.

I hope that this is not just a physical exercise that will meet my end goals of weight loss and improvement of my overall health. I'm hoping that this will be another way to encounter God and allow Him to speak to me and continue His transforming work in my life. There is a real partnership that we enter into with God towards creating healthy changes in our lives and it's not just about the external although in part it is. It's also and more significantly about the internal.

Here's a video I'd like to share with you. Bill Johnson from Bethel Church in Redding California speaking...

The first Adam and Eve faced a temptation that preceded partaking of the fruit, satan came in and said, has God said to not partake of this fruit? The first temptation was to question what God had said. The last Adam faced the other big temptation to question who you are. If we can settle into these two things where we hear the Lord and we hold to what he says regardless of circumstances and we allow the Holy Spirit to affirm our identity as children of God then all the other temptations in life lose their bite because those who know who they are in God are not going to lower themselves for something insignificant and self destroying...

This is what has been on my mind and what I've been reflecting on over the last few years. It seems to me that I keep coming back to thoughts expressed in this video that just seemed to highlight for me some of my own reflections and over the next few weeks I'd like to expand on these thoughts. I will also tie together my quest for healthy living, weight loss, and spiritual disciplines. I believe these things are more connected then what some may realize.