A New Beginning

At the start of every year I have usually always looked at what things didn't go my way, what areas in my life didn't add up, what areas I needed to fix, and I couldn't help but to notice everything I lacked and everything I wanted and would look back at a very disappointing year.  This may be the first year ever I am able to look back and not only see what didn't go well but with the heart attitude of knowing that the year 2012 will be different and will be filled with me taking another step towards my goals and ambitions in life.  I entered 2012 at a worship service.  It was a great service... one song had been played multiple times throughout the night and the longer we pressed into the presence of God with this one particular song the more it dawned on me that this song has been pressed upon my heart because this year this is my song.  

Over the last 7 years the Lord has given me scripture verses, it was a way of really settling in my heart not only God's word but in such a way as to allow for the word of God to penetrate my heart in such a way that I would allow for His transformative work to go deep.  I look at this time, this last year and all I can say is that it has been a real bitter-sweet time for me.  I have contended for my health in ways I never had to before in my life, I have contended for my spiritual freedom, I have contended against oppression and depression as well as anxiety.  This last year has been the most challenging of years I have experienced.  When I have wanted to give up I just pressed in all the more.  There comes a time when we are rewarded for our pressing in and stirring up for new and wonderful things in Christ.  This year is different.  Normally God gives me a scripture verse is kinda like a theme for me to ponder on and I ponder on.  Much of my healing journey has been spent in a very traditionally Catholic form of meditation called Lectio Divina.  Lectio Divina is latin for divine reading and divine it has been.  Before I continue let me say this, I didn't start the practice of Lectio Divina because of my roots in the Catholic church and I didn't start practicing it because somebody challenged me to.  It was truly a divine occurance.  I was not raised Catholic, although my Grandmother was a devout Roman Catholic and my father was raised Catholic and I guess you could say in some ways my father was only Catholic by name only... I would attend midnight mass for Christmas Eve and a part of me really enjoyed attending midnight mass.  I can't remember the last time I attended a midnight mass.  My devout Grandmother pretty much passed away as she was pondering the word of the Lord and praying while preparing her heart and mind to receive the word of the Lord for that day.  You know, that is the way I'd like to go.. from glory to glory to glory!  I look at my Grandmother and see a woman with her own set of weaknesses but I also see a heritage that I received from her, the fruit of her prayers no doubt have kept my heart soft towards the leading of the Holy Spirit.  In my own brokenness and hurtful experience with the church there was nothing in me that really desired to read the bible.  I couldn't open the bible, I couldn't read the bible for any lengthy period of time, I was exhausted... what I craved wasn't the logos word, what I craved was the Rhema word of God, His living word.  I was tired of theology and doctrine I desired something much deeper and more profound then understanding systematic theology.  And after picking up the bible and throwing it away multiple times I asked the Lord to draw me towards His word that I may keep His word written in my heart.  And so the Lord would bring to mind scripture verses.  At first I would recall one of the hundreds of scripture verses I knew in my mind but only part and it drew me towards opening up the bible and searching for the verse that was in my heart and after finding the verse I would ponder that verse.  I would ponder and meditate on that one verse over and over again until another verse would be highlighted and it all connected with each other but it seemed all the scripture verses that would come to mind would focus on one particular verse or a couple different verses.  I would allow for the Spirit of God to speak to me through the scripture as I meditated on His word in the practice of lectio divina.  I was never able to read the scripture the same again after spending a couple of years of this.  Days would go by and I'd be spending night and day in God's word without physically opening up the bible and there would be moments where the truth would penetrate my heart and once again my heart being softened after a couple of years of allowing for my heart to become hardened and jaded by disappointing experiences.  It was really a divine reading because the Spirit of God met with me in this season.  This is the first time since actively practicing what I now know as lectio divina where the Lord has given me a song for the year instead of a verse.

Here's my song for the year... just click on the link to watch the video...


Deep Cries out - Bethel Church, Redding California

I've got a river of living water
A fountain that never will run dry
It's an open heaven You're releasing
And we will never be denied

Cause we're stirring up deep deep wells
We're stirring up deep deep waters
We're gonna dance in the river, dance in the river
Cause we're stirring up deep deep wells
We're stirring up deep deep waters
We're gonna jump in the river, jump in the river

Deep cries out to deep cries out to
Deep cries out to deep cries out to
We cry out to we cry out to you Jesus

We're falling into deeper waters
calling out to you
We're walking into deeper waters
going after you

If He goes to the left then we go to the left
If He goes to the right then we go to the right
We're gonna jump jump jump in the river 

When I pondered some of the message of this song I had a scripture verse come to mind...  

Psalm 30:11-12 

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; 

You have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, 

that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever 

I can remember a time in worship... dancing like nobody is watching and it dawned on me the joy that I had felt deep within, a joy that was unreal and a joy that I had never experienced before and in that moment the Lord spoke me and said, "I have turned your mourning into dancing and the spirit of heaviness for gladness..." and when I realized a marked difference... from mourning to dancing, from complete and utter depression so dark I got swept away with suicidal thoughts to the wonder of God's deliverance work in my life that I could be set free from such a dark dark depression to experience a joy that surpassed any grief and sorrow I had felt in years past.  With that understanding and recognition I crumbled into a ball on the floor and just began to weep in the realization of God's healing work in my life.  I spent my youth using tranquilizers to lower my anxiety and I spent my youth and the time in my early 20's off and on anti-depressants.  When I told a friend I was taking myself off my medication they kinda looked at me with this look on their face, "ummm... that's just not wisdom talking there... I mean, you really need the meds and you're taking yourself off? Does your doctor know about this?"  Well... I'm in my 7th year without medication.  Don't get me wrong, I do believe that when there is a need for medication one should be on medication but I'm not for medication when what a person really needs is deliverance.  And let me tell you, this whole journey has not been a walk in the park.  I spent my time grieving my losses and dealing with the pain I had spent a life time running away from.  

While at the New Year celebration singing Deep Cries Out I began pondering this last year... 

the difficulty and the challenges... contending for my health was one of those challenges.  With the New Year also comes a reflection for me towards a new year for me as I turn another year older.  My birthday is in the middle of February and so I began to ponder the fact that I'm turning another year older.  I'll be 34 this February and it's a milestone year for me in many ways.  The first is I have now outlived my Mother, currently by just a little over one month.  I can't begin to describe how eerie it feels to know I have lived longer then my own Mother. And it was a sad realization to recognize how young my Mother had been when she passed away.  I did say I had a bitter-sweet moment.  After a year of contending for my health, not knowing what was wrong and just feeling like I was contending for my life really... I had this revelation of life just beginning and the Lord having more in store for me.  For the first time ever I was actually able to see hope for my future and I am beginning to make plans for my future and beginning to reach my goals.  

I am learning the difficult task of stability and enjoying the challenges of reaching my goals.  

I am living in the now and not waiting to live.