I came out of the closet... only to discover I was in the wrong house !

I like to write.  I really enjoy writing out my thoughts and reflections as I journey with Christ.  

As this photo says... 

"one of the greatest mental freedoms is truly not caring what anyone else thinks of you."  

And it is for this reason why I am writing this particular post. Besides, many of you have been reading my posts and various comments and so in some ways this blog post is to bring further clarity as to my own personal experience, convictions, and my journey in Christ.  I must warn you... this is one of my more lengthier posts.  I don't like lengthy posts I really don't but hopefully this is a good read. 

I grew up with all kinds of labels... lazy, dumb, insecure, tom-boy, no good for nothing, useless, dopey, stupid, fat, ugly, unwanted, inconvenience, and also labeled very early in life as gay, dyke, lesbian.  I never did fit into what was stereotypical for little girls.  I never liked the dresses and never roll played unless it involved me being the cop or anything that showed anything that was assertive strong and in control... being subservient wasn't something I wanted and I viewed being a woman as being subservient, less than, vulnerable to being abused by men or used for their own purposes and gain.  Just the other day I was over at my sister's place and I had seen an old photo... I don't have the photo, otherwise I'd post it... but that picture began this time of talking about some of our experiences.  My sister and I had a good laugh because looking back the best descriptive term to apply to both me and my brother would be "little hellians"...  we were bonkers, crazily like ADHD, running around everywhere, getting into trouble... only my brother would think about grabbing a bed sheet and jumping of the second story level porch while using the bed sheet as a parachute!  I temporarily thought about doing the same thing but by that time I think my sisters had seen my brother jump and freaked out.  We raised hell for our Grandmother, I think we were her match.  One of things I loved most about my Grandma is the fact that she must of known that she met her match and her only response was that of grace and one of C'est la Vie!  It is what it is.  The last conversation I had with my Grandmother I told her of the time she swatted me in the behind with her broom... her and I both laughed as I said, "It's true! you swatted me in the behind with the broom as I ran past and it really was all just a game to see how close I could get before that broom got me"

Whatever box somebody wanted to place me in, I was always quick to somehow do whatever I could to break the mold of that box...  perhaps it's because society had different stereotypical rolls of what was expected and if you had gifts and qualities that didn't fit into what was stereotypically suited for your gender then something was wrong and this pervading sense of being different, inadequate, and one of being less than would take hold and permeate into all relationships.  When we cover up and live from some false self coming to be authentic in relationship is difficult to near impossible because we'd be engaging in relationship from mask to mask.  Perhaps two realities have clashed together, the reality of faith and also the reality of your sexuality which seem contradictory to each other. In my experience and conviction to somehow reckon with my sexuality was a great and difficult struggle within the context of my faith and relationship with Jesus and so when I came to recognize that I wasn't experiencing attractions towards the boys but rather towards the girls, it troubled me.  It troubled me because I didn't want this and never asked for it and I didn't see the scriptures affirming homosexuality so it is kinda this understatement to say it was a very complicated and delicate situation.

I came out of the closet only to discover I was in the wrong house ! ~ Randy Thomas

(I had read this comment on one of Randy's blog posts or in the thread of one of his posts...)

About a year ago I had a very difficult conversation with my twin brother.  I guess different individuals had stumbled upon my blog and either didn't know what to make of it...or thought that perhaps I was very troubled in writing my blog... I mean, who talks about such intimate things like our sexuality? I would have liked to have had the opportunity to engage in conversation with them but that's besides the point.  What is said is said and what is done is done.  So my brother began to receive all these phone calls and was left to answer some questions, questions he was never prepared to answer.  I guess he was concerned about how personal I might get and didn't quite understand the context in the term "sister" being used in the title of my blog, so he had issues with my blog.  Sister is used in a diverse setting, not only within the family unit but also in the lesbian subculture but not just the lesbian subculture but also the church and there is this sense of commonality in the term Sister as well.  It doesn't actually matter where I am or who I am talking to, there are many people and even complete strangers who have called me Sister, it seemed to fit well with the context of this blog.  In truth, my brother couldn't care less about my sexuality and like he said, "I'm your brother, it's not like this comes to me as a surprise" And of course, nothing else was said... it is what it is, ok no big deal... whatever.. movin right along... 

It's more then just about sexuality, it runs much deeper than that.  I would also go as far as to say it has nothing to do with sex and sexuality but it has everything to do with this need to connect.  At least, within my own personal struggle it had more to do with this wanting to connect with the feminine and being affirmed as a woman among other women but this God-given need had become eroticized.  I had often been pulled into this cannibalistic compulsion just trying to digest from other women the qualities I failed to see in myself... the root of which being one of idolatry.  Interestingly enough, when I can stand secure as I am, a woman created in God's Image I struggle far less with same sex attraction.  I don't claim to have made it, same sex attraction is still a reality I continue to reckon with in the context of my faith journey and I am honest enough to say I don't know if same sex attraction will ever be completely dissolved, that isn't my primary focus anyhow.  My primary focus is my relationship with Jesus and a committed walk towards holiness.  I couldn't always say this but today I tend to have more of a fluid experience in attractions and ponder the possibility of a heterosexual marriage. I don't know what my future holds and marriage isn't the picture I hold up as the signature of healing.  I am not finding my worth and security in relationship with man.  My security is in Christ and Christ alone and in Him I am complete.  I view marriage as a privilege that not everyone is able to participate in and experience.        

To crucify feelings which seem so natural is a difficult calling for sure.  But there is a reason why I never had the usual "Coming out" experience.  I came out alright but I came into the grace of God and to be honest, I never wanted to have my sexuality as a focal point to all my relationships and my faith, so to come out as gay didn't and still doesn't seem to be the right fit to my reality despite continued same sex attraction.  It seems to me that to say I'm gay is to align myself with brokenness and with an identity that God never wanted for me and to settle for something less than what is God's best for me.  Why would anybody want to align themselves with brokenness? Only those who believe their attractions are as integral to their experience as is the color of their skin.  Perhaps some don't view their same sex attraction as a root of brokenness in their life and they don't want to be seen as objects needing to be fixed, and rightly so.  To view individuals as people needing to be fixed can be a demeaning and insultive posture.  I can't win people over in an argument, there are times I need to take a step back and give God space for those who have yet to call on Jesus as their Lord and Savior.  I view the whole of humanity as broken, in need of a Savior, and believe that regardless as to where we start from, the journey is the embracing of holiness. 

I view all of humanity on level ground, at the cross of Jesus we're all the same... sinners saved by grace. I didn't embrace lesbianism but rather I embrace holiness and I continue to allow for my Creator to speak into me who He's created me to be.  I can always appreciate the testimony of Sy Rogers who formerly lived as a Transsexual.  My own story isn't just about a struggle with same sex attraction but also with my own gender identity and so Sy's testimony had always inspired me in my own personal journey.  I think he nails it in these few words spoken in the video below, words I wanted to highlight and words that remind me of the reason why I continue to make the choices I make.  We don't choose our struggles and battles in life, we instead have our battles and struggles thrusted upon us.  People don't wake up one morning to say, "hmmm I think I want to be gay..." The core of such struggles isn't about choice, it runs much deeper then that.  As God began to call me away from lesbianism I began to learn something over the years as I journeyed with God.  God never calls us away from anything just to withhold from us but He calls us into something much more grandeur then what we could possibly conceive of at the time.  

      

Homosexuality is a counterfeit to God's best and the pursuit of which will never truly satisfy our yet even deeper hunger, needs, and desires.

...that I may know Christ, and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His suffering... if by any means I may attain unto the resurrection from the dead 

~ Philippians 3:10,11