When I noticed that my previous post The Cost to Intimacy had generated quite a bit more traffic then what my blog is used to receiving I had the idea to expand on my current thoughts and reflections.
I was stirred up with a few thoughts that came to mind after being at a worship service and hearing this Pastor speak on the cost to intimacy. He wasn't the main speaker but the main speaker and the Pastor at this church where I had attended this service had spoken similar messages that tied in together and something they said really bugged me. Now, honestly, there wasn't much I disagreed but I did disagree with the context in which intimacy was applied. I got to thinking if obedience is the cost to intimacy then why are there so many Christians out there who do all the right things and say all the right things, are successful in both their job and the Christian life and yet are still very fragmented and disconnected individuals? I can remember in my earlier experience in my faith journey I did all the right things, I did my best to make the right choices, I made every effort to live the life that was expected as a Christ follower and when I failed, which was often I made the point of repenting and maintaining a heart of repentance and somehow I made it to Bible College where I continued to do what was expected which included joining a 5am prayer meeting.
I got so exhausted trying to do all the right things that when it came to succeeding in the things I wanted to succeed in I fell short. I fell short because I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to live up to everybody's expectations that I never really succeeded at it. I kept on this journey and walk of faith and remained obedient to Christ. Some choices I made in my early years in my faith journey I was actually proud of. When my entire youth group decided to smoke pot at a yearly Youth Convention I made the choice to walk away, being the only one in my youth group that year to remain drug free. To this day I have remained drug free despite the fact that there were moments where there were options of me to try this or that. I made the choice for abstinence and then when it came to alcohol, yes I drank socially and despite the fact that I did experience intoxication a couple times in my life they were the result of having 1 too many drinks and so my state of intoxication was accidental. I never drank for the specific purpose of getting drunk. If you know me then you know I'm actually allergic to alcohol and so the times I had experienced intoxication it was the fact that I made the decision for a second or third drink. So, when it comes to alcohol I maintained a mature attitude. The last thing I wanted was for alcohol to begin to control my life. When all my friends were coming out I made the decision to not allow for my feelings to identify who or what I am and chose instead to allow for my identity to be developed in Christ so instead of having a usual coming out experience I instead came into God's grace and despite some poor choices made to this day I refrained from lesbian relationships and I have struggled immensely with homosexual feelings and desires my time in the gay community has been relatively short. When I did all the right things and made all the right choices I found myself to be no closer to God, in fact, my entire life there always seemed to be this distance between myself and God and when I felt the Lord's presence in my life it was a relatively short period of time. Clearly my walk of obedience itself isn't what cultivated the intimacy with Papa God I experience today.
There was something much much deeper then simply being obedient to Christ that made it possible to cultivate intimacy with papa God. Don't get me wrong, I am not giving anybody a license to be rebellious against the Lord but just wanting to take a deeper look into two very very different aspects. There is the expression of our love towards Jesus and then there is something profoundly deeper which is cultivating intimacy with Papa God.
I was stirred up with a few thoughts that came to mind after being at a worship service and hearing this Pastor speak on the cost to intimacy. He wasn't the main speaker but the main speaker and the Pastor at this church where I had attended this service had spoken similar messages that tied in together and something they said really bugged me. Now, honestly, there wasn't much I disagreed but I did disagree with the context in which intimacy was applied. I got to thinking if obedience is the cost to intimacy then why are there so many Christians out there who do all the right things and say all the right things, are successful in both their job and the Christian life and yet are still very fragmented and disconnected individuals? I can remember in my earlier experience in my faith journey I did all the right things, I did my best to make the right choices, I made every effort to live the life that was expected as a Christ follower and when I failed, which was often I made the point of repenting and maintaining a heart of repentance and somehow I made it to Bible College where I continued to do what was expected which included joining a 5am prayer meeting.
I got so exhausted trying to do all the right things that when it came to succeeding in the things I wanted to succeed in I fell short. I fell short because I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to live up to everybody's expectations that I never really succeeded at it. I kept on this journey and walk of faith and remained obedient to Christ. Some choices I made in my early years in my faith journey I was actually proud of. When my entire youth group decided to smoke pot at a yearly Youth Convention I made the choice to walk away, being the only one in my youth group that year to remain drug free. To this day I have remained drug free despite the fact that there were moments where there were options of me to try this or that. I made the choice for abstinence and then when it came to alcohol, yes I drank socially and despite the fact that I did experience intoxication a couple times in my life they were the result of having 1 too many drinks and so my state of intoxication was accidental. I never drank for the specific purpose of getting drunk. If you know me then you know I'm actually allergic to alcohol and so the times I had experienced intoxication it was the fact that I made the decision for a second or third drink. So, when it comes to alcohol I maintained a mature attitude. The last thing I wanted was for alcohol to begin to control my life. When all my friends were coming out I made the decision to not allow for my feelings to identify who or what I am and chose instead to allow for my identity to be developed in Christ so instead of having a usual coming out experience I instead came into God's grace and despite some poor choices made to this day I refrained from lesbian relationships and I have struggled immensely with homosexual feelings and desires my time in the gay community has been relatively short. When I did all the right things and made all the right choices I found myself to be no closer to God, in fact, my entire life there always seemed to be this distance between myself and God and when I felt the Lord's presence in my life it was a relatively short period of time. Clearly my walk of obedience itself isn't what cultivated the intimacy with Papa God I experience today.
There was something much much deeper then simply being obedient to Christ that made it possible to cultivate intimacy with papa God. Don't get me wrong, I am not giving anybody a license to be rebellious against the Lord but just wanting to take a deeper look into two very very different aspects. There is the expression of our love towards Jesus and then there is something profoundly deeper which is cultivating intimacy with Papa God.
Jesus said in John 14:15, "if you love me you will keep my command" But I also seem to recall another verse that said we love Him because He first loved us.
Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us. This is how we know that we live in Him and He in us: He has given us His Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent His Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out all fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because He first loved us.
~ 1 John 4:8-19
In an ideal world and in ideal circumstances we would all be able to love each other in such a way that nothing competes against Jesus and well, in ideally speaking the fall of creation and original sin by Adam and Eve wouldn't have happened and we'd all be made perfect in love and rest in utopia bliss but that isn't the reality is it. The reality is, we are living in a world filled with the consequences of the original sin and our own sin. You can read through the creation account of Adam and Eve all the way through to the fall of creation in the early chapters of Genesis. For the sake of trying to keep this post short and simple I'm not going to dissect the scripture in point form but will make references to. If you know the scriptures well then you will know the story as it unfolded. Along came the serpent who tempted Eve to take from the forbidden fruit and then she gave some to Adam and their eyes were opened. You can read for yourself in Genesis 3:1-7. Their eyes were opened and they realized they were naked so they sewed fig leafs together to cover themselves up with. The times have not changed. It is still a human tendency to make an effort to cover ourselves up. Adam and Eve used fig leafs but have a tendency to use other things. We will create this pseudo personality/character to present to others and we'll even do the same as we relate to God despite the fact that He already knows and He already sees but we do it anyhow. As long as we're living behind fig leafs we will forever be living behind some façade and living behind the fig leafs produces anything but intimacy. In fact, it only causes one to keep holding onto or chasing after the counterfeit that Satan will always bring our attention to, even if that counterfeit is being the good Christian who will always do what is right. And if walking in obedience to Christ is all apart of one trying to live behind the fig leaf then our motive towards walking in obedience to Christ is from the place of a wrong motive and that can only lead to self righteous hypocrisy. The only way to really guard one's heart from religious hypocrisy is to become brutally honest about our sin, our weakness, and our inadequacy, and that even with our best intentions we're still going to fall short.
Our desire for a father's love readily digresses to the pursuit of idols. We do not know how to find real love, and as a result, we gravitate towards whatever promises to ease our aloneness. We end up frustrated--confused as to who we are, bound to our own neediness, alone. Like the nation of Israel, we wander in the wilderness, alternately walking in the light and avoiding it. Gratefully, our Father recognizes our dilemma and in His mercy makes a way for us. He insists on breaking through our enslavement to sin and captivating with his loving reign in our lives. He does so by giving us His Son, the only one who will love and obey the Father fully. Jesus lives out the faithfulness that we won't and can't live out. In His humanity Jesus takes upon Himself our disobedience and carries it obediently to the cross. And in His resurrection power, Jesus breaks through the hell of all that separates us from the Father. Now freed to live in His love, we can rejoice in the truth that the Father through the Son intends to clear away all of our shadows and layers of darkness to reclaim the masterpiece within. ~ Andrew Comisky, Living Waters
Clearly there is something going on much deeper then simply our obedience and clearly our obedience alone is not what cultivates a place of intimacy with our Papa God. The problem with so many believers and followers of Jesus isn't our obedience because there are a great number of obedient followers who have yet to really know God and be known in the places they are most ashamed about and most secretive about. Why do I share my story? It isn't to boast of the things that I've done wrong or have done right it is to be an example of intimacy restored and an intimacy restored only by Jesus Christ because in the end it's not about me and it's not about what I've done or haven't done. It is about Jesus Christ who has done more for me then what I've deserved. It is the kindness of the Lord that leads to repentance and it is His love that draws me towards Him and who opens my eyes to the counterfeit that I might reject the counterfeit in pursuit of the real thing and a much more satisfying relationship with Jesus that living behind a fig leaf doesn't afford. I am so thankful that I am apart of a church community where I am known fully as I am in all my weaknesses, as they are many and where I can contribute in community with the strengths and gifts that I have. I am thankful that I engage in community and relationship from a place of being known because in that place the power of sin and the power of shame is dissolved and a place where I am encouraged to grow in my relationship with Jesus Christ and where I learn to see my identity in Jesus Christ. There is no expectation of me maintaining a walk I am incapable of but there is an expectation of honesty, openness, and vulnerability.
Where there is sin I readily confess that sin and where there is struggle I readily find a few select friends to pray with me. If I were secretive about my continued struggle with same gender attraction then the same gender attraction would continue to rule my life but with friends who know of all my struggles there is this ability to bring my struggles into perspective and as a result I am growing in Christian maturity and my struggle with same gender attraction is beginning to dissolve. This is change. The place where I have seen change the most is in my response to my struggle with same gender attraction. It is a factor but not the defining factor in my life and it certainly does not dictate my behavior.
I am released into a greater awareness of who I am in Christ and who Christ is in me. The same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead is the same Spirit in me, at work in me, and who has reached into the deadened places in my heart and brought it back to life again. And the woman that God created is released to grow and become all of who God intended her to be. At the right hand side you will see a photo. At the time this photo was taken my brother and I were 5 or 6. I am siting on my favorite blue bike with the banana seat in the pink shorts and white and pink shirt. It probably looks predominantly white and you probably can't tell the shorts were pink but they were pink. I have always been a closeted pink lover, seriously, I have always really loved the color pink and I say that unashamedly. In this photo is also pictured our childhood group of friends. from left to right, Susan in the bike with the basket, Jen who is standing in between Susan and my brother Jeff, and then there is me. When I see this photo I don't see a girl who struggled with her own identity I see a girl who had been wounded and who needed comfort but found no comfort and I saw a girl who underneath the smile was afraid and filled with anxiety not knowing what the future would hold but I saw something else in this photo. I saw a peace that came from Papa God. With all my fear and anxiety I still loved Jesus and I believed that Jesus loved me and His presence in my life is something I felt so tangibly that even in horrible circumstances Papa's love came to me. He comforted me as I continued to grieve the loss of my Mother, and He comforted me when home life was unstable.
I can remember years ago attending a Love Won Out conference. At that conference Melissa Fryrear was one of the speakers. She had the ability to really communicate the deeper struggles I faced internally. I was able to relate on so many levels of her testimony that it really made me begin to think that gosh, if God did such a transforming work in her life He can do the same in mine. I had the opportunity to actually speak with Melissa at both Love Won Out conferences I had attended. Here's a video that shares a bit of her story.
Going back to the above childhood photo of myself with my brother and our friends. I completely forgot about having this photo taken and so there is a story about when I received this photo. I can recall seeing Jen's Grandmother at church one day and it seemed to be from out of nowhere that she came up to me and said she had a photo she wanted to give to me. It was this photo above that she gave. It was about the time when I began to really consider the possibility that there was more for me the Lord had besides living a lesbian life. I wanted healing and I wanted wholeness but doubted very much so that what I desired most would never be my reality. Childhood photos can tell us a lot of things and at this moment when I saw this picture it exposed the lie that I had believed. There was a little girl who had been wounded in her earlier life and this picture revealed to me that in my heart of hearts was a girl that never had the safety to really be given the freedom to grow but instead became stunted if you will and so as I began to journey with God it wasn't from a place of seeking something that didn't already exist but rather the Lord beginning a work of restoration and one of reconciling. Today I have fully embraced being a woman. The time I had been so disconnected with my own femininity seems so completely foreign to me that it all seems very surreal. I have been empowered to live the life I am called to live even if I continue on my knees at the cross of Jesus. It is at the cross I am given the grace to stand back up and keep moving forward as I journey with Christ and I do so with my identity firmly planted in Jesus Christ. What is the cost to intimacy with Papa God? Only our pride and the laying down of our pursuit of all that is a counterfeit to the real love of our Papa God and to continually turn to Jesus who will be forever the one who remains faithful. How do we surrender our pride? We surrender our pride with honesty, openness, and vulnerability... we surrender by taking off our fig leaf... the very things in our life that we use to cover up everything and all things that keep us bound to secrets and shame and we step before our maker in our nakedness just as we are and receive the love of Papa God. In return of receiving the love of Papa God our hearts are changed and we grow to recognize all the counterfeits we've pursued in life and as a result turn away from the counterfeit and pursue a deeper more fulfilling relationship with Jesus Christ and from that place we're empowered to walk out our faith and relationship with Jesus. The fruit of intimacy with Papa God is the fruit of the Spirit... it is from this place we are able to walk in obedience to Christ. I would suggest that our obedience is the fruit of coming to understand this two-fold truth, who we are in Christ and who Christ is in us.
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