Dare I Make a New Years Resolution?

As I look back and think about what things have gone well for me and what things were a bit of a challenge.  Last year I didn't want to make a New Years Resolution because, well, everybody knows that people don't generally keep their new years resolution.  And this year is no different, except now I tell myself that my new years resolutions have to do with a lifestyle change.  It's manageable when we view our resolutions as a lifestyle change as opposed to setting some kind of goal that is pretty well impossible to attain or keep up.  Perhaps, the problem isn't so much with keeping new years resolutions and more about making more realistic resolutions and not basing perfect performance with a pass or fail, is there such a thing as a perfect performance?  Yes there is...when we have given something we believe in our all then we have reached perfection in what it is we seek to accomplish.  We can't really expect anything more then to just simply doing our best.  And instead of trying to reach the expectations of others or even your own high expectations just give it your all and see how we will be blessed when that is what we seek and when we've done our best then we can take that to be the an accomplished task that was well done.  So here is what I hope to accomplish and set in place for this year.  

What is a New Years Resolution without the traditional -- gotta lose weight!  :)

Over the last few years I've been making some real lifestyle changes, some very radical lifestyle changes.  I can remember a time when I eat out at fast food restaurants some times multiple times a day just because it was quick and it was food, some kinda of filler.  And not only did I eat out A LOT I drank at least 2 pots of coffee a day and the only exercise I did had only been work related... no amount of jogging, running, or even walking wouldn't help with one's health given all the fatty foods, carbs, and sugar that I eat.  Not only that but I smoked close to 2 packs a day.  Needless to say, things are radically different but not before having gained a lot of weight and dealing with the consequences of living such an unhealthy lifestyle.  That all said, about 6 years ago I began to make serious changes in my lifestyle.  Making the decision to journey out of homosexuality was just one of many things I chose to walk away from.  I mean, the changes I have seen take place in my life is much more broad then any shifting that may or may not take place with my attractions.  Same sex attraction is just on the surface of things that run much deeper.  Weight gain is one of those things as well.  Often times we want to lose weight but never really touch on the things under the surface that lead to the weight gain in the first place.  For many people weight gain is just one of many ways of covering up and one of protecting self, much the same way as a woman hides her femininity by developing a pseudo masculine posture.  I am much more determined these days to lose the weight.  I am doing this for me which is just one way of respecting my body and taking care of myself.  I should learn to love myself well, I'm not talking about self acceptance and loving self I'm talking about treating myself with dignity and living with dignity... and the start of which taking care of my body in such a way that I will lose the fat and begin to look great!  Gone are the days of being told I have a nice smile and here comes the days when I begin to hear others tell me how great I look!  :)

I am going to find ways to embrace femininity in ways I hadn't before, making an effort towards leaving behind ways of self protection and becoming OK with vulnerability.

I haven't made an effort to wear makeup and even though I have changed the kinds of clothes I wear I am feeling the desire to bring out what is feminine in me and allow for people to see that part of me.  I have heard it said that 9 times out of 10 how feelings usually follow our actions.  When we're stuck behind ways of protecting self and covering up there really is no other way to really dare to encounter Jesus and others in relationship in the places we feel most vulnerable.  With me, that involves making some more changes with my clothing as well as makeup... OK just the thought of it is bringing levels of anxiety and that's how I know this is the right step for me.  The only thing is, there really is a level of ambivalence being felt but I dare to press through that ambivalence and instead of covering up I think there is something to be said when a woman is able to embrace femininity... the more we're able to embrace our femininity the deeper our healing has come and the more we're able to come to the place of being OK being a woman and knowing at a deeper level that it is good to be a woman.

I've decided to join a woman's bible study / small group at church.  

Lord help me with this one.  Just recently I connected with a couple of women at church and have discussed the possibility of joining their women's group.  I don't know about this... there is some sort of contract they ask members of this group to sign, it is to help maintain confidentiality within the small group.  Perhaps this is exactly what I have needed.  One tool that is great for those who are committing to journey out of homosexuality is really to take a look at the deficits we've experienced especially when it comes to our need of being affirmed by members of our gender.  It is healthy to be able to connect with people of the same gender and perhaps the safest place especially for those struggling with ssa and issues of gender identity is in a group setting and even better when that group setting is centered around Christian fellowship and meeting a diverse group of women all coming from different walks of life.  While I'm not going to share detailed information about this group I will most definitely reflect on my feelings, emotions, and things I've processed as I venture into meeting with the group of women from church.  We're all roughly the same age and so I don't think I'm going to be the senior in the group, at least I hope I'm not.  When I connect with the young adults group at church I'm more or less the senior and so if there are women who are closer to 30 in this group, or even perhaps closer to 40 I'd be thrilled!  I'll have to wait and see what the dynamics of this group are.  Here is another place where I am beginning to experience a level of ambivalence.  This year may be the year of ambivalence and so I'm telling myself that being ambivalent is OK, that is where I am at and I'm fine with that. The hope is to eventually move passed this ambivalence to feeling more comfortable within my own body and my own skin especially within the context of meeting with other women.  Given the fact that my experience, more often then not has been quite volatile and unpredictable...  even my history with other women within the context of church hasn't been the best, there have been moments of healing but as much as there have been moments that have brought healing there have been moments that really make me want to shrink back and engage in areas I'm more comfortable with, like perhaps start hangin out with the guys!  Did I ever mention on a blog that I have always much preferred to work with men?  Well, I do, I have not had a good history with other women but I refuse to let that dictate my future relating and the blessing it could be for me to being apart of this small group.  I just have one prayer.. I really hope and pray to God this group isn't filled with a bunch of co-dependent women because if that's the case then I will be abandoning ship once again.  The last thing I can handle at the moment are co-dependent women and unfortunately there tends to be a lot of co-dependent women in the church.  At the very least, I hope there is a good well rounded number of women in this group who are healthy enough to have a good sense of their own strengths and weaknesses when it comes to relating with other women.  Lord help me.

Anyways, it is New Years Eve and I'm off to bring in the New Year at an all nighter worship event.  :) 

   

"It Didn't Work For Me" Is Only An Excuse

I mentioned previous times before but I'll say this again and will continue to say it as long as I need to and as long as it applies to something that has been on my heart and in my mind or if it applies within certain conversations.  I had a personal encounter with Jesus at the age of 5.  I came to believe in Jesus and from that day forward I had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  As the years unfolded and as I grew in my faith and committed myself to discipleship and community my understanding grew and along with my understanding grew also came a deepening commitment and greater understanding of what that commitment called me towards.  That particular commitment called me towards surrender and one of self sacrifice.  It was never one of suppressing my feelings and emotions, it was my brokenness that caused me to suppress and my brokenness that hindered my ability to really connect on an emotional level.  Acknowledging the reality and presence of emotions doesn't mean that we have to allow for our emotions and feelings to dictate and govern our choices and behavior.  We can choose to act differently even though our emotions and feelings may lead us away from what God intends for us.  Just because we feel a certain way that doesn't necessarily mean that is what God intends.  As for myself I live my life by faith in God's word the bible, I live my life through the lens of my faith which is stable and stead not like the ways in which I can experience my sexuality which tends to be more fluid.  I don't believe that God created homosexuality I believe it's much much more complicated then that.  I am free to be OK with people who say they can't change their sexual orientation and we're all accountable to the choices we make in life and that includes how we respond to our feelings and emotions as well as attractions.  I am OK with people who will say that for them change was not possible although I might continue to believe that they could be settling for something less than what could be.  What I am not OK with is when people suggest that their experience in their attractions is somehow universal when there are thousands upon thousands of individuals who can personally testify to the fact that the inability to change is not a universal truth so therefore we must leave it alone at such but gay activists aren't exactly happy to just leave it alone because it exposes some of the lies believed within the agenda of gay activism.  If change is possible for some then homosexuality is not an innate characteristic, at least, not enough to stake a claim for homosexuality to enter the civil rights movement it then remains as a moral and ethical choice for people to want to either embrace or reject as they wish and more often then not people will allow for their religious beliefs to inform their decisions as to whether or not they will embrace the gay lifestyle.  Growing up in the church while struggling with same sex attraction isn't exactly the easiest thing in the world.  It's real struggle especially when at a very young age there is a strong conviction that homosexuality is not compatible with the Christian faith.  When I was 14 I came to believe that I didn't have to be gay.  I began to develop what I now know to be as a post gay biblical world view.  I had no clue back then that ministries like Exodus (Exodus Global Alliance) even existed and hadn't heard of the word post gay let alone ex-gay.  I just figured that being gay was a label and I either allowed for my feelings to define me or find my identity somewhere else.  It was in the mentoring I received from my youth pastor and his wife that challenged me within the context of relationship and discipleship, to find my identity in Christ.  It is basic discipleship that really will sets us up with a foundation that will either be in Jesus Christ and in His word or we'll be set up to stand on shifting sand or be thrown around by the waves as they come crashing upon our the shorelines of our soul allowing for doubt and confusion to dictate future choices and current beliefs or we'll become grounded in our faith and relationship with Jesus Christ and when the waves come crashing along our shoreline we'll have a strong anchor in Christ and a solid foundation in God's word.

It was about a year later I was watching the Oprah Winfrey Show and saw the founders of Love Won Out.  Back then Focus On The Family had been facilitating LWO but in recent years Exodus has been facilitating.  From the moment I saw the couple being interviewed I began listening to Focus On The Family on a regular basis.  It was then I began allowing for authors of books to mentor me... and if that concept could be really truly embraced then I could say that I've allowed myself to be mentored by some incredible people but I didn't know any of them.  A few short years later I became more aware of the ministry of Exodus and decided one day that I would somehow get to know more about the ministry and the people involved.  I can't remember if I have the year right or not but I think it was 2004 maybe 2005, 10 years after coming to believe that I didn't have to be gay I finally went to a mini conference.  I had followed Exodus from a distance but this time I wanted to see the people involved.  At the time I was working graveyard shifts at a casino, contract security work.  I had put in an application for a vacation but I somehow thought that my application wouldn't be accepted but I knew that I needed to be at that conference.  So, without trying to find out whether or not my vacation was approved I just boarded the first Greyhound bus I could across Canada from Vancouver to Toronto where they hosted the conference which was at Tyndale University.  I figured I had a 50/50 chance at keeping my job and perhaps they would extend grace to me when I return.  

I really didn't know my fate with my job or my employer when I would return but I figured I'd cross that bridge when it came.  So I left and on Greyhound travelling along the Trans Canada Highway, there came my security crew pulling over the bus to escort me back home!  

Actually, no that didn't happen but my supervisor did tell me my first shift back on duty that he was really close to chasing down that Greyhound bus because as it turned out, since my vacation was in fact that approved there was nobody to cover my shift.  I was told after that to never just assume that my vacation would be approved.  You know, vacation should be a right of every employee, in some countries it's actually mandatory.  I was only gone for a week and a half and I had been employed by that company for a couple of years by that time and I had never once requested time off or a vacation.  Today the company is much more lenient with giving vacation time.  I know that unless I put in a request early enough chances are the vacation is approved but back then they never gave vacations especially in the middle of summer.  Well, I tortured myself travelling for 4 days and 3 nights non-stop on Greyhound, what I sight I must have been knowing that I needed a shower but there I was early with just enough time to get my room, shower, and head down to the cafeteria for dinner.  People always talk about their first time experiencing an Exodus conference, it's usually greeted with a lot of anxiety and this is why I particularly really like what would happen my first meal.  Since it was a conference in Canada it was a small conference and so it was more of an intimate type gathering of a couple hundred in attendance or something like that.  Now that I've experienced an Exodus Freedom Conference in California Tyndale was small in comparison.  I traveled to this conference alone, nobody knew back home that I was even in attendance at an Exodus conference and even with work I gave a pretty vague reason in going to Toronto.  I think I said I went to go spend the week with friends.  I thought, well, maybe I'd meet some new friends there.  So, being the natural introvert that I am I grabbed my tray and dinner and found the first group that seemed friendly enough to allow for me to join them... ummm not easy for an introvert that's for sure.  This group of individuals were relaxed and friendly and they seemed welcoming and that is exactly what I needed.  Anyways, I began to eat my dinner and I began to hear stories of being in ministry and well, I had just finished spending some time at Bible College and so I became somewhat used to gathering with Pastors and church leaders.  So I thought, perhaps they were Pastors and I thought well, that was great!  Now they can go back to their churches and maybe be better equipped to minister to those struggling.  The guy sitting next to me was super hilarious.  He was absolutely the funniest guy I had ever met. And then he talked about his face being plastered all over on bill boards as an ex-gay speaker... it was only at that point I then began to question who on earth I was siting at that table with.  I began to look around and I finally clued it realizing that I was siting at the table with all the speakers that Exodus had brought in including that funny guy siting next to me I later was introduced to, the none other than Sy Rogers.  I seriously had no clue who Sy Rogers was at all but suddenly Exodus wasn't so much about an agenda or even about a message.  Suddenly Exodus became about real people with a real story of redemption and healing that was so obvious but I saw the heart of those involved with Exodus.  I don't know about you but when you're willing to have your life be put on display and mocked at because you want people to know the same freedom that you have experience, I don't know about you but to me that speaks to something far beyond any agenda it speaks to the reality that there is healing and freedom to be found in Christ from homosexuality but it would come at a great cost.  That year I was able to see past the conference and see the individual person, truthfully my most encouraging moment that conference wasn't necessarily seeing a couple hundred people there worshiping God and encountering Christ though we worshiped God and we encountered Christ.  My most encouraging moment was that first meal and being given a gift if you will by these individuals, the speakers, the Exodus Global Alliance staff... I heard stories, super funny stories and I heard the stories that spoke of the challenges especially being involved in such a high profile ministry and trying to raise a family.  I'll never forget that meal shared and the stories I heard.  To follow Christ comes at a great cost.  It's not about whether or not it works, it works plain and simple but truth is, we don't always like the way it works.  When we try to make it work into our cultural perceptions and try to make it fit within the scope of our often times narrow perspectives it won't work.  Following Christ in obedience works every time but the question is, will we embrace obedience even when the sacrifice seems too great?  Being a living sacrifice isn't exactly a feel good exercise.  Coming to a place of wholeness in Christ relationally and sexually is a byproduct of a life that is willing to trust in the Lord and in His word in such a way that we walk in absolute obedience even when things don't make sense.  I believe that people begin a journey of healing but they walk away because the journey itself becomes too painful, their painful emotions surface, their struggles increase, they're more in touch with their emotions, and they're more in touch with everything they lack in life and everything they've missed out on in life.  I know, I was there and I can still from time to time find myself in that exact place.

You know when somebody breaks their bone in order to fix a broken bone often times you have to apply what's called a traction.  A traction that is applies with take the two ends of the limb that is broken and like a vice will begin to stretch the limb out and basically setting the bone back in place.  Often times, when a broken bone is severed and the two broken ends are rubbing up against each other the traction itself will cause greater pain but it's a necessary pain in order to not only restore blood flow into the injured limb but to also enable to bone to heal right and if blood flow isn't restored then you begin to experience tissue death which may lead to the death of the limb and the eventual amputation of that limb, it dies because oxygen can't get to the capillaries of that limb and eventually there is loss of blood until the person reaches the point of no return in the state of shock, pending on the severity of the broken limb and the location the bone is broken.  For example, two femur bones broken is part of the rapid transport category because two femurs broken means major blood loss, and the same goes if both humerus bones are broken.  It was interesting watching an older sister of mine try to get her first aid ticket.  She has absolutely no ability to physically hurt an individual and so you know, when somebody complains of pain her initial response to do whatever she can to alleviate the pain but you know there are times when working as a first aid attendant or paramedic you have to be able to deal with your life saving techniques creating more pain, like the traction... it is a necessary thing to do at times.  Usually just before applying any kind of technique that I know will cause a bit of pain to the patient I will always tell the patient what I am going to do and I tell them point blank this will be painful but you will be more comfortable in the long run and while it will be painful this will actually relieve the pain and allow for greater healing... in worst case scenarios ... you don't want to have this limb be re-broken and re-set... to have your bone re-broken is much worse then applying the traction now or your choice, if you want to save your limb.  Or, when cleaning a wound, especially if gravel is lodged inside the wound you have to get the gravel out and salt water solution doesn't exactly feel good on a wound but necessary to prevent infection.  When somebody begins to journey through a place of inner healing and when a person begins to actually walk away from coping mechanisms and away from everything that has only numbed the pain it's only natural for the pain to re-surface and for one to become more sensitive after one removes every avoiding and coping mechanism.  Of course struggles will increase, of course the pain will be felt in deeper and more profound ways.  The mistake people make is to place a time limit on how long that part of the journey should last.  After applying the traction the limb isn't instantaneously healed.  This isn't to say that I don't believe in instantaneous healing because I do I just know that in conventional methods it takes time for a broken bone to heal.  I was in that cast for a couple of weeks maybe even longer.  At the time I was about 3 and too small for crutches and too small for a wheal chair and so I got carried everywhere I went.  I remember falling off the trampoline and getting tangled in the springs and my scream when I finally landed on the ground.  You know what bugged me more so than the initial sharp pain of my bone snapping?  That would be the frustration of wearing a cast.  It was more torturous to wear the cast then it was to have my leg broken.  The healing process bugged me more.  Do you know what it is like to have an itch that you just can't get to?  Even with a coat hanger being shoved down it was never quite enough.  When my leg could feel the air for the first time I felt so much relief, I think I rubbed away and then fell back with this great big exhale... Finally!!  It's off!! 

When I find that I'm struggling a lot it takes a while but eventually I come around and I'm able to see and able to become quite overwhelmed with my incredible need.  There is one need we all have and I believe that this is one key factor that will trigger same sex attraction, legitimate needs that have gone unmet particularly the need that we all have when it comes to connecting with those of the same gender.  We all need to be able to find healthy ways to connect with, to share life with and to be able to enjoy each others company, to encourage one another in our life journey and just be friends and sisters.  I really believe, in fact, it's been my observation that most lesbian women don't really know how to connect with other women without the involvement of sex or at the very least without some kind of emotional dependency or defensive detachments going on or emotional enmeshment happening.  As a woman being friends with other women, this is perhaps one of the most difficult types of relationships to navigate through, it could just be because of our complex nature as women.  As women there are actually more things that bring a sense of commonality then things that expose differences.  The major struggle isn't so much in what separates us and what makes us feel different but rather it's in the difficulty of being able to see what makes us all similar.  If you ever spend time with a group of ladies then you'll know that there is such diversity among us as women.  The number of factor that has changed for me is that fact that now I see the similarities and the what I see in me that differs isn't what defines me as a woman.  I do have to admit though, I've recently been struggling a lot lately and I mean a lot.  I've been wading through some pretty intense feelings and emotions and I'm once again reminded of what I lack in life but it's not sending me down into the pit of despair I'm simply bringing this need that I have to Jesus and I'm voicing to him what I lack.  Recently.  I've decided to try and connect with a woman's bible study / small group at church.  I really don't know how that will play out but I'm going ahead with meeting with the leaders of the group and will more then likely next week be joining this group of ladies.  I am hoping that this will be exactly what I have been needing.  I'm not looking for super close friendship.  I am just looking for ways to engage in community with other women because what I need is exactly that.  I am hoping that I am a good fit with this women's group.  So, anyways, I'll try it out and hopefully there will be a good diverse mix of ladies because I am not going to gather around with a bunch of valley girls, if you know what I mean.  I'll let you know how it goes with this women's group but over the last few months I've been praying to be apart of a woman's group at church so it would be nice if this group for me would be a good fit. It's helpful that my church is not a stranger to being a welcoming place for those relationally and sexually broken and so in my opinion the church is one of the leading churches when it comes to dealing with issues of homosexuality and sexuality in general.  And with that in mind I don't think that this group of women would be uncomfortable with my story.  I did share my testimony at church a while back and so it is possible that a few may know me and my background.  To be honest, I'm kinda hoping that these women already know me and my background because I would much rather come into the group and not feel as if I have to hide certain aspects of what I can struggle with  and perhaps this could be a safe group to be me and be welcomed into community without having to present myself as somebody I'm not.  They want honesty but the question is, to what extent?  I guess I will soon find out if they're surface level or not but I would like to contribute and the only way is to really come with what my faith journey and with lessons learned along my faith journey.  I really don't want to enter this group and overwhelm the ladies with my incredible need I want to be able to engage from a position of being able to contribute as well.  I believe this could be a good starting point for deepening my relationship with Jesus and perhaps I might also experience a deepening work of healing in my own life through this as well.  Here's hoping and believing for a good year to come.

New Creation - Leaving Behind Lesbianism

I just stumbled upon this article titled The Flight of Femininity (This is who I am series)... I don't know why I seem to forget some of these practical insights for women leaving behind lesbianism.  Is it just me or does it seem like there is actually little in the way of resources for women leaving lesbianism in comparison to resources for men who decide to journey out of homosexuality.  I once read in a book, paraphrased... it seems to be more difficult for women to leave behind lesbianism then it is for men to leave homosexuality.  While the journey men is from weakness to strength, for women it is leaving behind self protection to vulnerability.  Often times I get caught up in my head because I want to understand my struggle and most importantly I want to leave my struggle behind and once and for all be secure, not lacking anything, and feel safe enough to be real and authentic in relationship.

I want to be me, I want to be, I want to rest, I want friendship... but wow it really does take a certain amount of vulnerability especially for one who has always experienced a somewhat hostile and volatile environment around other women.  

And it's been pressed upon my heart with greater clarity over the last few months as to how incredibly important it is for me to really somehow open up and allow myself to be vulnerable and do my part to grow a healthy group of female friends I can share my life with... it's a level of companionship and just simply, well... enjoying the occasional girl talk and being comfortable with the fact that it's alright to let a friend know she looks really attractive in a dress and not be afraid that the comment would be twisted into some kind of twisted and sexualized comment when it's not... in fact, interesting enough, when I can feel my ability to let my walls down and compliment friends, let them know I really like the dress they're wearing or their earings, or keep on learning what certain accessories are so I don't have to say... you know, "that piece of fabric you have over your shoulders....  "  I still don't know what you would call it... but hey the more I interact with women who know something about fashion and the more I'm willing to learn a thing or two about the fashion the more I'm able to interact with other women in ways and on levels I've never been able to.  The first block really wasn't so much that I knew nothing about accessories and women's fashion but rather I knew more about military bdu pants and gorilla warfare of the relational kind if you will.  Let's face it, most men don't like talking about makeup and most women aren't interested in the latest military boots or cargo pants that are on sale at the nearest army surplus store.

The day I stopped wearing cargo pants! Unless you're somebody like Sandra Bullock or Angelina Jolie you're just not going to look good in cargo pants!  

I'm actually quite comfortable with the fact that I'm completely ok with that.  Now, I think, like quite a few other women, I would really like to look more like them and to have a body like them.  I can remember, when I was reaching oh 250 lbs and very Transgendered at the time I wanted to lose weight really badly.  I was with a few friends one summer and while walking towards the ice cream shop and while passing a couple people siting at one of the tables at this ice cream shop they over heard me telling my friend that I wanted to get back into shape.  This guy friend of mine turns around and looks at me only to say, "round is a shape" ... I was actually quite shocked that he had said that, to the point I was actually speechless but then I began laughing because of the ironic and funny statement which was totally true... I was round and round is a shape.  My friend had a good look at the lady that over heard the conversation.  It was like she was stunned in time, paused with mouth wide open as if to take a bit out of her ice cream cone but just so stunned by the statement she didn't know what to do.  I would have like to have seen the expression on that ladies face.  Truth be told, weight gain is for the most part a means of self protection along with the overt masculine characteristic and posturing... oh the posturing... one reason why I don't hang around women who identify as lesbian or even women who are still really broken in their sense of gender identity, for the most part is the posturing.. there is absolutely no way I can develop myself relationally when I'm surrounded by broken women who have a poor sense of their own gender identity whether they exhibit and overt masculine posturing or to the other extreme of well... "Valley Girl" type women who hide behind their beauty as much as the GI Jane hides behind her army surplus boots!  My goodness...  you know, the other day I was watching youtube videos of people teaching others how to apply makeup... 

I came across this one video that I could barely stomach to watch all the way through and just so you know, ::: insert valley girl here... ::: when I hear the word "like" being used in "like" more then one time in any one particular sentence it gets "like" ... really annoying!  

Ah, the torture one is willing to go through just to entertain the idea of wearing makeup.  Not that I don't wear makeup it's just that I've had very little motivation since I've always felt really hopeless when it came to my face breaking out with rosacea but since then I've been changing my diet for health reasons and have also noticed that my face is less red these days.... and I've also just recently learned how to reduce the redness on my face with makeup and with that new insight I've kinda grown a little more interested in makeup.  Let me tell you it's not for the sake of trying to fit some mold that isn't me, to wear outfits that really aren't me and to try and be somebody I'm not.  I really believe that the more secure we are the more of our natural beauty will be seen.  The article was exactly what I was looking for when I was searching for anything that might encourage me along the journey.  To be honest it wasn't anything new but really just a reminder that this journey is really a life long process of learning healthy friendships and a reminder that embracing femininity isn't embracing what is stereotypical but rather embracing a certain amount of openness, a welcoming sense, and a place of being secure and safe and well, to be vulnerable one definitely needs to feel that there is a certain amount of safety.

Then what in the world is femininity? I like to think of femininity as a welcoming disposition towards the rest of the world.  Picture the most feminine woman you know.  The women I envision exude warm spirits that are always eager to invite others into their lives.  They create a safe relational space for people to simply be where they are.  I picture femininity as a spiritual home with walls made of windows, inviting others to share in their lives.  Windows entail warmth, transparency, and vulnerability, but they still maintain a healthy sense of protection that keeps harmful people from barging in...  I know Mary Kay women who dress to impress, but lack this nourishing spirit.  And I know softball coaches who breathe this into being wherever they set foot.  ~ Julie Rodgers ( writer of the blog post - The Flight of Femininity) 

I used to say, "I don't have a feminine bone in my body"... I can also remember having this encounter if you will.  While at church I began to feel this level of disconnect growing within me and I was feeling alone, overwhelmed and really needing to and wanting to be affirmed as a woman but really didn't know how to go about it.. all I knew is that I struggled with my gender identity and with unwanted same sex attraction but there I was one of my many many moments of surrendering my life to Jesus... one of the many times I cried out, albeit secretly within my own heart unable to really voice this to anyone and unwilling and unable to be that transparent and vulnerable.  I'm not saying that I had an angelic encounter but these 2 people I spoke with I never saw at this church.  I knew this church, I knew those on the ministry team, I knew the Pastors but it was a large church nonetheless but seriously, I've never seen these 2 people before and didn't see them after either but they ministered to me in a deep and profound way.  The lady just looked at me and perhaps just recognized by my own posturing and appearance I needed for her as another woman to affirm me and really to help me to keep looking towards my relationship with Jesus in this journey and to keep trusting in Him... that isn't exactly an easy journey for anybody let alone somebody coming out of lesbianism.  I still remember what she said, "God wants you to know that you are feminine"...

My perspective on femininity didn't exactly change at that particular time but something in my thinking shifted just enough for the ability for me to receive truth and be able to discern with greater clarity God's voice.  

It was a moment that I could only say was more like a name changing moment... a moment of which the course of my life and the direction I'd take my life were to change.  I wish I could say that my journey has been moving forward ever since but I can't... sometimes I went backwards and other times I grew stagnant and then other times I grew painfully away of the turmoil within but then there have been moments of pure rest and just one of enjoying life and being emotionally present in the day and in my interactions with others.  Some days are like that but then there are times where I am painfully disconnected and detached but I'm really grateful to the Lord that I have the ability to sense when I am detached and disconnected and when I'm connected and emotionally present.  It's rather a continual process of healing which with time as I allow myself to be vulnerable can take place.

As it is a process, I continue to just keep on trusting the Lord and surrendering to Him and acknowledging to him my deeper feelings and emotions that kinda stir up my anxiety when felt.  That's the first step, really allowing one self to feel connected and allowing for feelings and emotions to surface but with the maturity to not have to allow for my feelings and emotions to be what defines me.  

When I had this name changing experience I had a renewed sense of what it means to be a new creation in Christ.  From that moment on I could no longer say I lacked femininity but it was like God gave me feminine as a name, interesting enough as is the name Sarah means Princess and also it's a feminine name and so essentially God really began to speak a message of not only reconciliation but also one of restoration but first I had to really deal with my heart and inner vows I made when I was younger that really blocked who I really am from growing up and maturing.  There was a woman in me somewhere.  I repented of the phrase and inner vow of not being feminine and not having a feminine vow and could claim it because God called me, because my Creator named me, I understood to some degree that there was something intrinsically feminine even though I couldn't feel it or even see it as a reality, it was there and my Creator said so.  And along with repentance came a renouncing of that phrase.  Following that day I did this funny exercise that I no longer do but I used to.  I used to be so disconnected with my own gender that I didn't even feel like a woman even though I had the boobs to show for it.  When I would look at myself in the mirror I'd tell myself,  "I am a woman, I am a woman created in God's Image..."  until one day feeling like and reckoning with and connecting with and as a woman became something natural to me.  Today I am more connected as a woman, the feeling of disconnect is a faint feeling and the posturing I did was really just a facade and the real me has surfaced.  

A few years ago I had a neighbor come up to me at church who felt the need to give me this picture.  The picture is of me, my brother, and a couple of our friends in front of this neighbors house which was the Grandmother of one of the girls in the photo.  I forgot about that time in my life and so the picture served to me a memory.  As I looked at myself in the photo... I am the girl in the pink shorts and the pink and white shirt (though hard to see with the lighting... my outfit looks predominantly white) siting on the blue bike with the banana seat.  That bike was my favorite bike of all time.. my brother is next to me on his BMX bike and that too was his favorite bike.  As I began to look at myself I saw something that had been lost.  I saw femininity, I saw happiness, I saw a level of contentment, I saw a little girl and I also saw how life had really turned me into someone bitter and feeling jaded by the world and also the church.  Did you ever notice that taking a look at a childhood photo is a good way to really begin to connect with something that has been lost or even stolen?  It was a God thing that really had this neighbor hand me this photo at church.  She enabled me to remember what is intrinsically me and I could see how my posturing at that time was only a way of covering up all that was in me.  As a little girl I was never prissy... I was athletic, I played just about every position in baseball / softball whatever.  I was one the best catchers in my league and helped lead my team to first place one year and with all the athletic nature of mine I had this tenderness about me.  I really believe that the harder and tougher one looks the greater the sensitivity that one has, the softer their heart may be and more potential of being wounded and for that wounding to be felt at a much deeper place.  I knew the wholeness I was in search of and I knew the balance I was looking for and that balance was actually pictured here.  You can't tell me that God created me Transgender because what you see there is a little girl content as a little girl who is obviously comfortable in pink!  To be honest, for the longest time I was always this closeted lover of pink.  Today I am not afraid to admit that the soft color of pink is one of my favorite colors... I don't like all things pink but you know when pink is highlighted and complimented with other colors I tend to really like that color.  I don't think I ever liked wearing a dress and I'm not really all that bent on forcing myself to like wearing dresses... but who knows...  

It's not about seeing healing come to me in the way I want it to come to me... God may have different plans like allowing for this struggle to continue in my life that the power of Christ may rest on me in a more powerful way.  I am so dependent on the Lord especially in times when I all I can see is the struggle in front of me.  The other day I watched this movie based upon a true story called the Pursuit of Happiness.  When Chris Gardner was hired on after his internship with the brokerage firm you could see tears running down his face and when he began to walk down the street on his way to pick up his son from day care you could see him crying.  I don't think it was about his now potential and eventual story of signing a multi-million dollar contract it was about the pursuit of a life he dreamed of having which included being the best father he could be for his son despite the challenges of being poor and even homeless.  It's a very compelling story.  Here's an American who begins by introducing the American constitution which included the pursuit of happiness.  Interesting enough as is, the constitution said the right for the pursuit of happiness wasn't a guarantee for happiness.  And even the pursuit of which is often times met with difficult, challenges, perhaps broken relationships and having only those around you discourage you from what could lead you towards financial freedom... I don't view it as merely financial freedom but rather freedom from being enslaved by debt and the freedom to live as one free and blessed with all the promises of God but it's not something that just lands on our lap, it's something we have to pursue and fight for.  Chris Gardner fought to keep his son in his life, he fought to be a good father, he fought to provide food and shelter for his son.  There was one heart breaking moment when he locked him and his son in the washroom at the train station.  At the start of the movie he paused on the word pursue.  It's not so much the end that's important but rather it's the pursuit... it's the journey and what's in the journey, the lessons learned, the character developed, and the greater appreciation for weakness but a greater awareness of strength and ability and hope for what seems impossible to become a reality.  In my pursuit I hope, and it is a prayer of mine that in my heart the pursuit remains my relationship with Jesus, transformation is just inevitable. 

Leaders Travel Where Few Will

A visionary is called a visionary because they often see things in ways others don't.  A leader isn't a leader just because they're called a leader but ask yourself the question, do you find your self at a place that may seem lonely at times?  Do you find yourself asking why others don't see what you see?  Do you find yourself constantly at a different place then the majority of those around you?  Perhaps there might be a reason.  Perhaps it's the reality of a journey into leadership.  I am not saying I'm a leader and I have made it and that's that.  I am just simply going to share some observations of which I believe is the result of growing into leadership and having moved beyond my initial place of "learner" to now entertain and seriously think of being a "leader"... this isn't a post on leadership per se just my thinking out loud and pondering.  We're all called into leadership and our own sphere of influence.  The only question is, how well one will steward one's own sphere of influence, wherever that may be.  We may be able to influence 1 or influence 100.  I know enough to be able to say that how well we steward our influence in 1 person's life will determine whether or not we'll be trusted with more.  Those who can be trusted with little could also be trusted with much.  (Luke 16:10) 

Leaders will often times find themselves in very lonely places because if they were where the multitudes were there would be obvious company.  It stands to reason that the mark of a true leader would be a life that is seasoned by bouts of loneliness.  Loneliness can be the result of isolation emotionally and physically which wouldn't be healthy but loneliness could also be a good thing.  It's not for me to tell anyone the source or reason behind their particular loneliness but I think we all have pretty good ideas of what could also trigger bouts of feeling lonely.  It's not the overt reasons I'm alluding to but rather the more subtle.  I will share with people my own processing, I will in various settings test the water so to speak.  And I unfortunately recognize that when I hear back from so few people, that can only tell me I'm processing something different and the others really don't know how to respond because that's obviously not where they're processing at.  It makes sense that if I share something with a fellow "struggler" who's just come out of the gay life it is possible I could overwhelm them or they could be intrigued by my openness and realness as to where I'm at but still overwhelmed.  I could then also share with somebody who's been on the journey for a tad bit longer and perhaps they would share with me wisdom learned along the journey.  Or perhaps, you, like myself began this journey in such a place of complete and utter loneliness to begin with that your mentors have been authors of books and individuals you might have seen speak  publicly a few  times but as far as personally knowing each other, you don't, they're just the one who's been on the journey for a tad bit longer then you've been on and perhaps is an individual who can readily recall what it was like to be a "fellow struggler".  

I can wade through seasons of real struggle and then pull through into seasons where I feel a sense of victory!  That's a great feeling but something I've grown to appreciate are the moments I have no choice but to readily confess and acknowledge my weakness, struggle, and insecurity.  I don't believe for one moment that struggle and weakness disqualifies the leader but rather our choices made which will shape our character that will influence the person we become as a leader.  It's only by confession and acknowledgment that we're able to experience the sufficiency of God's grace, something we're all in desperate need of because without such grace we stand condemned.  

Some time ago I've noticed a growing change in my thinking.  It is like or it can feel as if I am on the cusp of something being left to process whatever it is I'm processing alone.  That kinda sounds dark and well, just not a comfy place to be in but that's where I find myself.  I'm in what feels like nowhere's ville, a place that has yet to be charted... it is being on the cusp of my "Promised Land".  All I know is that when God called me out of homosexuality He called me to journey with Him and to a place I knew would be unfamiliar.  It was, a step of faith, not unlike the journey of Abram.  When God called Abram to walk with Him, to leave everything behind he didn't know where he would go.  He just began to trust in the Lord as He would lead Abram.  Abram was seen as a man of faith, he is referred to as the father of faith but in just as many ways Abram walked in faith there were moments he allowed fear to take over his better judgement and instead of trusting in the "Promise" there were moments that both he and Sarai would try to make things happen themselves, only because their "Promise" wasn't happening in the time frame they thought it would happen... Abram and Sarai were promised a son but with Abram getting older and Sarai reaching the age of when it may be to late to have children they began to question if they heard right.  Did God say that God would give Abram and Sarai a son?  Perhaps through Abram and a servant?  Liberal theology will always always never take a stand anywhere, questions that remain open along with multiple right choices being possible making decision and/or understanding debatable... shutting down anything remotely close to what true discipleship really is... but all that's besides the point.  The point here is, they believed in God for a Promise that wasn't coming as quickly as they think it should have come so they take things into their own hands and make it happen.  Abram becomes a father and who is the offspring?  Ishmael. 

When God calls us into something we have a choice to birth an Ishmael or an Isaac.

An Ishmael is birthed when we try to live our life the way we think God is calling us to live our life and then we birth an Isaac when we can look past physical circumstances that may test our faith and what we've come to believe.  We will either walk by faith or by sight.  We will continue to keep on the track of what we know or we trust the Lord in the areas of what is currently unknown and perhaps even difficult to believe could ever become a reality.  Abraham and Sarah waited until Abraham was 90 years old when Sarah gave birth to Isaac.  It would be considered a miracle by today's standards for any woman that ancient to have children let alone a man being capable of fathering a child... I can just imagine what it might have been like....  did Abraham surprise Sarah with this seemingly last bit of energy did sparks all of a sudden surface after a few decades of a very low sex drive... did Sarah all of a sudden begin to experience menstruation after menopause?  Was her menopause delayed or somehow reversed?  There was a time I didn't consider there'd be sex over sixty but who knew!!  but it happened and Sarah gave birth to Isaac.  If we know our history then we know that Ishmael is respected in the Muslim faith and within Muslim teaching Ishmael's mother is held in high regards.  Isaac is seen as a father in the Judeo-Christian faith.  It is Isaac who later becomes the father of Jacob and Esau where the two Nations further divide... Muslim's believe the blessing came to Ishmael and Isaac, and Esau instead of Isaac and Jacob as it is in the Judeo-Christian traditions.  The only thing is, Ishmael and Esau continue to be in conflict with Isaac and Jacob even to this day.... one is from stepping pre-maturely ahead of what God is doing and the other despite being viewed as late being the very "Promise" of God unfolding for Abraham to see... 

The question isn't really whether or not change is possible.  The question is, when we don't see change when we think change should occur... are we more concerned about our timing and living our life the way we think God would want us to live our life or are we committed to walking in obedience to His leading in our life even when our faith is tested?  The heart of the matter is the heart.  If our heart remains malleable for the Lord I am certain that we will see the promises of God unfold in our life.  We will see God transform our hearts and our minds in Christ, we will see renewal and complete restoration but we're kidding ourselves if we think that this will happen over one prayer session or in one day of praying... Today if you hear His voice do not harden your heart as you did in the rebellion.  (Hebrews 3:15)  

You know, every time I begin to question or I face doubt and begin to wonder if the things I hope for will ever come to pass.  I don't know about tomorrow I just know about today.  And today I choose the Lord, I choose to worship the Lord today and keep my heart malleable for the Lord.  My heart will either harden as it did when I rebelled against the Lord or my heart will remain soft and sensitive to the convictions of the Holy Spirit in my life regardless if what I hope for will come to pass... The promise isn't in living a life I think is the life that God would have me live... the life that God would have me live in rooted in mystery and faith... to believe that God would take on the form of man like he did on the original Christmas Day... the day when Jesus was actually born... it's a mystery to believe that Jesus is fully God and fully man, it's a mystery to believe in the virgin birth but it happened.. and it's a mystery to understand all that we have in Christ and all that we are in Christ.  Jesus was born, He lived as man and died as man so that we might be reborn in Christ to live for Him.  That's not a far exchange... our life isn't about some religious duty but rather an invitation to live and into more than just life... it's for something beyond the here and now.  

More Changes & A Few Thoughts!

It doesn't seem like I am comfortable with a template for any lengthy period of time and so I did some changes!  

As of late I've been working on a different writing project which seems to be taking up all my free time and so I've decided to lay aside my blog.  Not only that but my current health hasn't allowed for me to be as adventurous and committed to this blog as I initially set out to be.  But still keeping in mind what I set out to accomplish perhaps, with a slight bit of moderation I will set out to make another go of it.  I have a few things on the go right now and some things I'd like to see completed by next year and so, instead of making a New Years Resolution come January what I have decided is to simply continue on track with where I'm currently headed but as I do I have a few thoughts.  

Just a few questions...  

Why do people who preach the loudest for tolerance are themselves the most intolerant?  Why do people who express the desire to want to dialogue and yet control the how, when, where, and even the context? Why do those who seek to want to "bridge" have no desire to bridge unless it is accompanied with a compromise in theological and doctrinal beliefs that have been held for centuries?  

Here's the thing... 

I will never redefine certain words to suit my agenda.  I will not bend into manipulative games or entertain dialogue when that dialogue when the individual on the other end refuses to actually hear where some of the misguided beliefs twist and distort what it is I actually believe... so basically, if you want to dialogue with me then perhaps it would be best to actually first hear what it is that I actually believe, other then that, no matter how well informed the other person is or think they are about my beliefs.  Really, that kind of conversation doesn't really help and it doesn't really go anywhere.  Here's another question, does dialogue even serve a purpose if they're trying to control the dialogue? Is it then even helpful discussion or is it really just another format of tolerance, bend a few points here and there, change a few words around or redefine a few words here and there and then finally, while you're at it, use dialogue to promote your own agenda while giving no biblical foundation to what it is that is actually being discussed.  To me that really doesn't make any sense and I don't find it helpful, in fact, I find it draining to my emotions... especially when people use big words and big phrases and really condensed down sentences all the while complaining about the chosen words of somebody else.  That's just stupid, it really is, if you want the common people to understand then you have to use common words unless you're trying to communicate only to those with a seminary degree or those with a high vocabulary... that to me kinda hinders dialogue with a lot of people and can only be misleading at best.  I don't know about you but I have a tendency not to trust people who feel the need to use big words and phrases.... ok now I'm just complaining but really making a point, is that it's not helpful, it's misleading, and misguiding and leads a whole heck of a lot of confused individuals to keep believing what it is they're believing and then in the long run, when people dialogue in this kinda of nature the only thing that is happening is that you're comforting people in the mess they're in and helping them to stay there.  Then again, perhaps the huge pull towards tolerance and "bridge" work, which is really just one in the same... perhaps it's just one tool that a great many can use to promote their own liberal theology agenda. 

We should take the following scripture to heart because I think we're living in this exact season that the church has been warned against... 

All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.  In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, and in view of His appearing and his Kingdom, I give you this charge: Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage--with great patience and careful instruction, for the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.  They will turn away from the truth and turn aside to myths. ~ 2 Timothy 3:16-4:4