I just stumbled upon this article titled The Flight of Femininity (This is who I am series)... I don't know why I seem to forget some of these practical insights for women leaving behind lesbianism. Is it just me or does it seem like there is actually little in the way of resources for women leaving lesbianism in comparison to resources for men who decide to journey out of homosexuality. I once read in a book, paraphrased... it seems to be more difficult for women to leave behind lesbianism then it is for men to leave homosexuality. While the journey men is from weakness to strength, for women it is leaving behind self protection to vulnerability. Often times I get caught up in my head because I want to understand my struggle and most importantly I want to leave my struggle behind and once and for all be secure, not lacking anything, and feel safe enough to be real and authentic in relationship.
And it's been pressed upon my heart with greater clarity over the last few months as to how incredibly important it is for me to really somehow open up and allow myself to be vulnerable and do my part to grow a healthy group of female friends I can share my life with... it's a level of companionship and just simply, well... enjoying the occasional girl talk and being comfortable with the fact that it's alright to let a friend know she looks really attractive in a dress and not be afraid that the comment would be twisted into some kind of twisted and sexualized comment when it's not... in fact, interesting enough, when I can feel my ability to let my walls down and compliment friends, let them know I really like the dress they're wearing or their earings, or keep on learning what certain accessories are so I don't have to say... you know, "that piece of fabric you have over your shoulders.... " I still don't know what you would call it... but hey the more I interact with women who know something about fashion and the more I'm willing to learn a thing or two about the fashion the more I'm able to interact with other women in ways and on levels I've never been able to. The first block really wasn't so much that I knew nothing about accessories and women's fashion but rather I knew more about military bdu pants and gorilla warfare of the relational kind if you will. Let's face it, most men don't like talking about makeup and most women aren't interested in the latest military boots or cargo pants that are on sale at the nearest army surplus store.
I'm actually quite comfortable with the fact that I'm completely ok with that. Now, I think, like quite a few other women, I would really like to look more like them and to have a body like them. I can remember, when I was reaching oh 250 lbs and very Transgendered at the time I wanted to lose weight really badly. I was with a few friends one summer and while walking towards the ice cream shop and while passing a couple people siting at one of the tables at this ice cream shop they over heard me telling my friend that I wanted to get back into shape. This guy friend of mine turns around and looks at me only to say, "round is a shape" ... I was actually quite shocked that he had said that, to the point I was actually speechless but then I began laughing because of the ironic and funny statement which was totally true... I was round and round is a shape. My friend had a good look at the lady that over heard the conversation. It was like she was stunned in time, paused with mouth wide open as if to take a bit out of her ice cream cone but just so stunned by the statement she didn't know what to do. I would have like to have seen the expression on that ladies face. Truth be told, weight gain is for the most part a means of self protection along with the overt masculine characteristic and posturing... oh the posturing... one reason why I don't hang around women who identify as lesbian or even women who are still really broken in their sense of gender identity, for the most part is the posturing.. there is absolutely no way I can develop myself relationally when I'm surrounded by broken women who have a poor sense of their own gender identity whether they exhibit and overt masculine posturing or to the other extreme of well... "Valley Girl" type women who hide behind their beauty as much as the GI Jane hides behind her army surplus boots! My goodness... you know, the other day I was watching youtube videos of people teaching others how to apply makeup...
I want to be me, I want to be, I want to rest, I want friendship... but wow it really does take a certain amount of vulnerability especially for one who has always experienced a somewhat hostile and volatile environment around other women.
And it's been pressed upon my heart with greater clarity over the last few months as to how incredibly important it is for me to really somehow open up and allow myself to be vulnerable and do my part to grow a healthy group of female friends I can share my life with... it's a level of companionship and just simply, well... enjoying the occasional girl talk and being comfortable with the fact that it's alright to let a friend know she looks really attractive in a dress and not be afraid that the comment would be twisted into some kind of twisted and sexualized comment when it's not... in fact, interesting enough, when I can feel my ability to let my walls down and compliment friends, let them know I really like the dress they're wearing or their earings, or keep on learning what certain accessories are so I don't have to say... you know, "that piece of fabric you have over your shoulders.... " I still don't know what you would call it... but hey the more I interact with women who know something about fashion and the more I'm willing to learn a thing or two about the fashion the more I'm able to interact with other women in ways and on levels I've never been able to. The first block really wasn't so much that I knew nothing about accessories and women's fashion but rather I knew more about military bdu pants and gorilla warfare of the relational kind if you will. Let's face it, most men don't like talking about makeup and most women aren't interested in the latest military boots or cargo pants that are on sale at the nearest army surplus store.
The day I stopped wearing cargo pants! Unless you're somebody like Sandra Bullock or Angelina Jolie you're just not going to look good in cargo pants!
I'm actually quite comfortable with the fact that I'm completely ok with that. Now, I think, like quite a few other women, I would really like to look more like them and to have a body like them. I can remember, when I was reaching oh 250 lbs and very Transgendered at the time I wanted to lose weight really badly. I was with a few friends one summer and while walking towards the ice cream shop and while passing a couple people siting at one of the tables at this ice cream shop they over heard me telling my friend that I wanted to get back into shape. This guy friend of mine turns around and looks at me only to say, "round is a shape" ... I was actually quite shocked that he had said that, to the point I was actually speechless but then I began laughing because of the ironic and funny statement which was totally true... I was round and round is a shape. My friend had a good look at the lady that over heard the conversation. It was like she was stunned in time, paused with mouth wide open as if to take a bit out of her ice cream cone but just so stunned by the statement she didn't know what to do. I would have like to have seen the expression on that ladies face. Truth be told, weight gain is for the most part a means of self protection along with the overt masculine characteristic and posturing... oh the posturing... one reason why I don't hang around women who identify as lesbian or even women who are still really broken in their sense of gender identity, for the most part is the posturing.. there is absolutely no way I can develop myself relationally when I'm surrounded by broken women who have a poor sense of their own gender identity whether they exhibit and overt masculine posturing or to the other extreme of well... "Valley Girl" type women who hide behind their beauty as much as the GI Jane hides behind her army surplus boots! My goodness... you know, the other day I was watching youtube videos of people teaching others how to apply makeup...
I came across this one video that I could barely stomach to watch all the way through and just so you know, ::: insert valley girl here... ::: when I hear the word "like" being used in "like" more then one time in any one particular sentence it gets "like" ... really annoying!
Ah, the torture one is willing to go through just to entertain the idea of wearing makeup. Not that I don't wear makeup it's just that I've had very little motivation since I've always felt really hopeless when it came to my face breaking out with rosacea but since then I've been changing my diet for health reasons and have also noticed that my face is less red these days.... and I've also just recently learned how to reduce the redness on my face with makeup and with that new insight I've kinda grown a little more interested in makeup. Let me tell you it's not for the sake of trying to fit some mold that isn't me, to wear outfits that really aren't me and to try and be somebody I'm not. I really believe that the more secure we are the more of our natural beauty will be seen. The article was exactly what I was looking for when I was searching for anything that might encourage me along the journey. To be honest it wasn't anything new but really just a reminder that this journey is really a life long process of learning healthy friendships and a reminder that embracing femininity isn't embracing what is stereotypical but rather embracing a certain amount of openness, a welcoming sense, and a place of being secure and safe and well, to be vulnerable one definitely needs to feel that there is a certain amount of safety.
Then what in the world is femininity? I like to think of femininity as a welcoming disposition towards the rest of the world. Picture the most feminine woman you know. The women I envision exude warm spirits that are always eager to invite others into their lives. They create a safe relational space for people to simply be where they are. I picture femininity as a spiritual home with walls made of windows, inviting others to share in their lives. Windows entail warmth, transparency, and vulnerability, but they still maintain a healthy sense of protection that keeps harmful people from barging in... I know Mary Kay women who dress to impress, but lack this nourishing spirit. And I know softball coaches who breathe this into being wherever they set foot. ~ Julie Rodgers ( writer of the blog post - The Flight of Femininity)
I used to say, "I don't have a feminine bone in my body"... I can also remember having this encounter if you will. While at church I began to feel this level of disconnect growing within me and I was feeling alone, overwhelmed and really needing to and wanting to be affirmed as a woman but really didn't know how to go about it.. all I knew is that I struggled with my gender identity and with unwanted same sex attraction but there I was one of my many many moments of surrendering my life to Jesus... one of the many times I cried out, albeit secretly within my own heart unable to really voice this to anyone and unwilling and unable to be that transparent and vulnerable. I'm not saying that I had an angelic encounter but these 2 people I spoke with I never saw at this church. I knew this church, I knew those on the ministry team, I knew the Pastors but it was a large church nonetheless but seriously, I've never seen these 2 people before and didn't see them after either but they ministered to me in a deep and profound way. The lady just looked at me and perhaps just recognized by my own posturing and appearance I needed for her as another woman to affirm me and really to help me to keep looking towards my relationship with Jesus in this journey and to keep trusting in Him... that isn't exactly an easy journey for anybody let alone somebody coming out of lesbianism. I still remember what she said, "God wants you to know that you are feminine"...
It was a moment that I could only say was more like a name changing moment... a moment of which the course of my life and the direction I'd take my life were to change. I wish I could say that my journey has been moving forward ever since but I can't... sometimes I went backwards and other times I grew stagnant and then other times I grew painfully away of the turmoil within but then there have been moments of pure rest and just one of enjoying life and being emotionally present in the day and in my interactions with others. Some days are like that but then there are times where I am painfully disconnected and detached but I'm really grateful to the Lord that I have the ability to sense when I am detached and disconnected and when I'm connected and emotionally present. It's rather a continual process of healing which with time as I allow myself to be vulnerable can take place.
When I had this name changing experience I had a renewed sense of what it means to be a new creation in Christ. From that moment on I could no longer say I lacked femininity but it was like God gave me feminine as a name, interesting enough as is the name Sarah means Princess and also it's a feminine name and so essentially God really began to speak a message of not only reconciliation but also one of restoration but first I had to really deal with my heart and inner vows I made when I was younger that really blocked who I really am from growing up and maturing. There was a woman in me somewhere. I repented of the phrase and inner vow of not being feminine and not having a feminine vow and could claim it because God called me, because my Creator named me, I understood to some degree that there was something intrinsically feminine even though I couldn't feel it or even see it as a reality, it was there and my Creator said so. And along with repentance came a renouncing of that phrase. Following that day I did this funny exercise that I no longer do but I used to. I used to be so disconnected with my own gender that I didn't even feel like a woman even though I had the boobs to show for it. When I would look at myself in the mirror I'd tell myself, "I am a woman, I am a woman created in God's Image..." until one day feeling like and reckoning with and connecting with and as a woman became something natural to me. Today I am more connected as a woman, the feeling of disconnect is a faint feeling and the posturing I did was really just a facade and the real me has surfaced.
My perspective on femininity didn't exactly change at that particular time but something in my thinking shifted just enough for the ability for me to receive truth and be able to discern with greater clarity God's voice.
It was a moment that I could only say was more like a name changing moment... a moment of which the course of my life and the direction I'd take my life were to change. I wish I could say that my journey has been moving forward ever since but I can't... sometimes I went backwards and other times I grew stagnant and then other times I grew painfully away of the turmoil within but then there have been moments of pure rest and just one of enjoying life and being emotionally present in the day and in my interactions with others. Some days are like that but then there are times where I am painfully disconnected and detached but I'm really grateful to the Lord that I have the ability to sense when I am detached and disconnected and when I'm connected and emotionally present. It's rather a continual process of healing which with time as I allow myself to be vulnerable can take place.
As it is a process, I continue to just keep on trusting the Lord and surrendering to Him and acknowledging to him my deeper feelings and emotions that kinda stir up my anxiety when felt. That's the first step, really allowing one self to feel connected and allowing for feelings and emotions to surface but with the maturity to not have to allow for my feelings and emotions to be what defines me.
When I had this name changing experience I had a renewed sense of what it means to be a new creation in Christ. From that moment on I could no longer say I lacked femininity but it was like God gave me feminine as a name, interesting enough as is the name Sarah means Princess and also it's a feminine name and so essentially God really began to speak a message of not only reconciliation but also one of restoration but first I had to really deal with my heart and inner vows I made when I was younger that really blocked who I really am from growing up and maturing. There was a woman in me somewhere. I repented of the phrase and inner vow of not being feminine and not having a feminine vow and could claim it because God called me, because my Creator named me, I understood to some degree that there was something intrinsically feminine even though I couldn't feel it or even see it as a reality, it was there and my Creator said so. And along with repentance came a renouncing of that phrase. Following that day I did this funny exercise that I no longer do but I used to. I used to be so disconnected with my own gender that I didn't even feel like a woman even though I had the boobs to show for it. When I would look at myself in the mirror I'd tell myself, "I am a woman, I am a woman created in God's Image..." until one day feeling like and reckoning with and connecting with and as a woman became something natural to me. Today I am more connected as a woman, the feeling of disconnect is a faint feeling and the posturing I did was really just a facade and the real me has surfaced.
A few years ago I had a neighbor come up to me at church who felt the need to give me this picture. The picture is of me, my brother, and a couple of our friends in front of this neighbors house which was the Grandmother of one of the girls in the photo. I forgot about that time in my life and so the picture served to me a memory. As I looked at myself in the photo... I am the girl in the pink shorts and the pink and white shirt (though hard to see with the lighting... my outfit looks predominantly white) siting on the blue bike with the banana seat. That bike was my favorite bike of all time.. my brother is next to me on his BMX bike and that too was his favorite bike. As I began to look at myself I saw something that had been lost. I saw femininity, I saw happiness, I saw a level of contentment, I saw a little girl and I also saw how life had really turned me into someone bitter and feeling jaded by the world and also the church. Did you ever notice that taking a look at a childhood photo is a good way to really begin to connect with something that has been lost or even stolen? It was a God thing that really had this neighbor hand me this photo at church. She enabled me to remember what is intrinsically me and I could see how my posturing at that time was only a way of covering up all that was in me. As a little girl I was never prissy... I was athletic, I played just about every position in baseball / softball whatever. I was one the best catchers in my league and helped lead my team to first place one year and with all the athletic nature of mine I had this tenderness about me. I really believe that the harder and tougher one looks the greater the sensitivity that one has, the softer their heart may be and more potential of being wounded and for that wounding to be felt at a much deeper place. I knew the wholeness I was in search of and I knew the balance I was looking for and that balance was actually pictured here. You can't tell me that God created me Transgender because what you see there is a little girl content as a little girl who is obviously comfortable in pink! To be honest, for the longest time I was always this closeted lover of pink. Today I am not afraid to admit that the soft color of pink is one of my favorite colors... I don't like all things pink but you know when pink is highlighted and complimented with other colors I tend to really like that color. I don't think I ever liked wearing a dress and I'm not really all that bent on forcing myself to like wearing dresses... but who knows... 
It's not about seeing healing come to me in the way I want it to come to me... God may have different plans like allowing for this struggle to continue in my life that the power of Christ may rest on me in a more powerful way. I am so dependent on the Lord especially in times when I all I can see is the struggle in front of me. The other day I watched this movie based upon a true story called the Pursuit of Happiness. When Chris Gardner was hired on after his internship with the brokerage firm you could see tears running down his face and when he began to walk down the street on his way to pick up his son from day care you could see him crying. I don't think it was about his now potential and eventual story of signing a multi-million dollar contract it was about the pursuit of a life he dreamed of having which included being the best father he could be for his son despite the challenges of being poor and even homeless. It's a very compelling story. Here's an American who begins by introducing the American constitution which included the pursuit of happiness. Interesting enough as is, the constitution said the right for the pursuit of happiness wasn't a guarantee for happiness. And even the pursuit of which is often times met with difficult, challenges, perhaps broken relationships and having only those around you discourage you from what could lead you towards financial freedom... I don't view it as merely financial freedom but rather freedom from being enslaved by debt and the freedom to live as one free and blessed with all the promises of God but it's not something that just lands on our lap, it's something we have to pursue and fight for. Chris Gardner fought to keep his son in his life, he fought to be a good father, he fought to provide food and shelter for his son. There was one heart breaking moment when he locked him and his son in the washroom at the train station. At the start of the movie he paused on the word pursue. It's not so much the end that's important but rather it's the pursuit... it's the journey and what's in the journey, the lessons learned, the character developed, and the greater appreciation for weakness but a greater awareness of strength and ability and hope for what seems impossible to become a reality. In my pursuit I hope, and it is a prayer of mine that in my heart the pursuit remains my relationship with Jesus, transformation is just inevitable.
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