A visionary is called a visionary because they often see things in ways others don't. A leader isn't a leader just because they're called a leader but ask yourself the question, do you find your self at a place that may seem lonely at times? Do you find yourself asking why others don't see what you see? Do you find yourself constantly at a different place then the majority of those around you? Perhaps there might be a reason. Perhaps it's the reality of a journey into leadership. I am not saying I'm a leader and I have made it and that's that. I am just simply going to share some observations of which I believe is the result of growing into leadership and having moved beyond my initial place of "learner" to now entertain and seriously think of being a "leader"... this isn't a post on leadership per se just my thinking out loud and pondering. We're all called into leadership and our own sphere of influence. The only question is, how well one will steward one's own sphere of influence, wherever that may be. We may be able to influence 1 or influence 100. I know enough to be able to say that how well we steward our influence in 1 person's life will determine whether or not we'll be trusted with more. Those who can be trusted with little could also be trusted with much. (Luke 16:10)
Leaders will often times find themselves in very lonely places because if they were where the multitudes were there would be obvious company. It stands to reason that the mark of a true leader would be a life that is seasoned by bouts of loneliness. Loneliness can be the result of isolation emotionally and physically which wouldn't be healthy but loneliness could also be a good thing. It's not for me to tell anyone the source or reason behind their particular loneliness but I think we all have pretty good ideas of what could also trigger bouts of feeling lonely. It's not the overt reasons I'm alluding to but rather the more subtle. I will share with people my own processing, I will in various settings test the water so to speak. And I unfortunately recognize that when I hear back from so few people, that can only tell me I'm processing something different and the others really don't know how to respond because that's obviously not where they're processing at. It makes sense that if I share something with a fellow "struggler" who's just come out of the gay life it is possible I could overwhelm them or they could be intrigued by my openness and realness as to where I'm at but still overwhelmed. I could then also share with somebody who's been on the journey for a tad bit longer and perhaps they would share with me wisdom learned along the journey. Or perhaps, you, like myself began this journey in such a place of complete and utter loneliness to begin with that your mentors have been authors of books and individuals you might have seen speak publicly a few times but as far as personally knowing each other, you don't, they're just the one who's been on the journey for a tad bit longer then you've been on and perhaps is an individual who can readily recall what it was like to be a "fellow struggler".
I can wade through seasons of real struggle and then pull through into seasons where I feel a sense of victory! That's a great feeling but something I've grown to appreciate are the moments I have no choice but to readily confess and acknowledge my weakness, struggle, and insecurity. I don't believe for one moment that struggle and weakness disqualifies the leader but rather our choices made which will shape our character that will influence the person we become as a leader. It's only by confession and acknowledgment that we're able to experience the sufficiency of God's grace, something we're all in desperate need of because without such grace we stand condemned.
Some time ago I've noticed a growing change in my thinking. It is like or it can feel as if I am on the cusp of something being left to process whatever it is I'm processing alone. That kinda sounds dark and well, just not a comfy place to be in but that's where I find myself. I'm in what feels like nowhere's ville, a place that has yet to be charted... it is being on the cusp of my "Promised Land". All I know is that when God called me out of homosexuality He called me to journey with Him and to a place I knew would be unfamiliar. It was, a step of faith, not unlike the journey of Abram. When God called Abram to walk with Him, to leave everything behind he didn't know where he would go. He just began to trust in the Lord as He would lead Abram. Abram was seen as a man of faith, he is referred to as the father of faith but in just as many ways Abram walked in faith there were moments he allowed fear to take over his better judgement and instead of trusting in the "Promise" there were moments that both he and Sarai would try to make things happen themselves, only because their "Promise" wasn't happening in the time frame they thought it would happen... Abram and Sarai were promised a son but with Abram getting older and Sarai reaching the age of when it may be to late to have children they began to question if they heard right. Did God say that God would give Abram and Sarai a son? Perhaps through Abram and a servant? Liberal theology will always always never take a stand anywhere, questions that remain open along with multiple right choices being possible making decision and/or understanding debatable... shutting down anything remotely close to what true discipleship really is... but all that's besides the point. The point here is, they believed in God for a Promise that wasn't coming as quickly as they think it should have come so they take things into their own hands and make it happen. Abram becomes a father and who is the offspring? Ishmael.
When God calls us into something we have a choice to birth an Ishmael or an Isaac.
An Ishmael is birthed when we try to live our life the way we think God is calling us to live our life and then we birth an Isaac when we can look past physical circumstances that may test our faith and what we've come to believe. We will either walk by faith or by sight. We will continue to keep on the track of what we know or we trust the Lord in the areas of what is currently unknown and perhaps even difficult to believe could ever become a reality. Abraham and Sarah waited until Abraham was 90 years old when Sarah gave birth to Isaac. It would be considered a miracle by today's standards for any woman that ancient to have children let alone a man being capable of fathering a child... I can just imagine what it might have been like.... did Abraham surprise Sarah with this seemingly last bit of energy did sparks all of a sudden surface after a few decades of a very low sex drive... did Sarah all of a sudden begin to experience menstruation after menopause? Was her menopause delayed or somehow reversed? There was a time I didn't consider there'd be sex over sixty but who knew!! but it happened and Sarah gave birth to Isaac. If we know our history then we know that Ishmael is respected in the Muslim faith and within Muslim teaching Ishmael's mother is held in high regards. Isaac is seen as a father in the Judeo-Christian faith. It is Isaac who later becomes the father of Jacob and Esau where the two Nations further divide... Muslim's believe the blessing came to Ishmael and Isaac, and Esau instead of Isaac and Jacob as it is in the Judeo-Christian traditions. The only thing is, Ishmael and Esau continue to be in conflict with Isaac and Jacob even to this day.... one is from stepping pre-maturely ahead of what God is doing and the other despite being viewed as late being the very "Promise" of God unfolding for Abraham to see...
The question isn't really whether or not change is possible. The question is, when we don't see change when we think change should occur... are we more concerned about our timing and living our life the way we think God would want us to live our life or are we committed to walking in obedience to His leading in our life even when our faith is tested? The heart of the matter is the heart. If our heart remains malleable for the Lord I am certain that we will see the promises of God unfold in our life. We will see God transform our hearts and our minds in Christ, we will see renewal and complete restoration but we're kidding ourselves if we think that this will happen over one prayer session or in one day of praying... Today if you hear His voice do not harden your heart as you did in the rebellion. (Hebrews 3:15)
You know, every time I begin to question or I face doubt and begin to wonder if the things I hope for will ever come to pass. I don't know about tomorrow I just know about today. And today I choose the Lord, I choose to worship the Lord today and keep my heart malleable for the Lord. My heart will either harden as it did when I rebelled against the Lord or my heart will remain soft and sensitive to the convictions of the Holy Spirit in my life regardless if what I hope for will come to pass... The promise isn't in living a life I think is the life that God would have me live... the life that God would have me live in rooted in mystery and faith... to believe that God would take on the form of man like he did on the original Christmas Day... the day when Jesus was actually born... it's a mystery to believe that Jesus is fully God and fully man, it's a mystery to believe in the virgin birth but it happened.. and it's a mystery to understand all that we have in Christ and all that we are in Christ. Jesus was born, He lived as man and died as man so that we might be reborn in Christ to live for Him. That's not a far exchange... our life isn't about some religious duty but rather an invitation to live and into more than just life... it's for something beyond the here and now.
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