I mentioned previous times before but I'll say this again and will continue to say it as long as I need to and as long as it applies to something that has been on my heart and in my mind or if it applies within certain conversations. I had a personal encounter with Jesus at the age of 5. I came to believe in Jesus and from that day forward I had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. As the years unfolded and as I grew in my faith and committed myself to discipleship and community my understanding grew and along with my understanding grew also came a deepening commitment and greater understanding of what that commitment called me towards. That particular commitment called me towards surrender and one of self sacrifice. It was never one of suppressing my feelings and emotions, it was my brokenness that caused me to suppress and my brokenness that hindered my ability to really connect on an emotional level. Acknowledging the reality and presence of emotions doesn't mean that we have to allow for our emotions and feelings to dictate and govern our choices and behavior. We can choose to act differently even though our emotions and feelings may lead us away from what God intends for us. Just because we feel a certain way that doesn't necessarily mean that is what God intends. As for myself I live my life by faith in God's word the bible, I live my life through the lens of my faith which is stable and stead not like the ways in which I can experience my sexuality which tends to be more fluid. I don't believe that God created homosexuality I believe it's much much more complicated then that. I am free to be OK with people who say they can't change their sexual orientation and we're all accountable to the choices we make in life and that includes how we respond to our feelings and emotions as well as attractions. I am OK with people who will say that for them change was not possible although I might continue to believe that they could be settling for something less than what could be. What I am not OK with is when people suggest that their experience in their attractions is somehow universal when there are thousands upon thousands of individuals who can personally testify to the fact that the inability to change is not a universal truth so therefore we must leave it alone at such but gay activists aren't exactly happy to just leave it alone because it exposes some of the lies believed within the agenda of gay activism. If change is possible for some then homosexuality is not an innate characteristic, at least, not enough to stake a claim for homosexuality to enter the civil rights movement it then remains as a moral and ethical choice for people to want to either embrace or reject as they wish and more often then not people will allow for their religious beliefs to inform their decisions as to whether or not they will embrace the gay lifestyle. Growing up in the church while struggling with same sex attraction isn't exactly the easiest thing in the world. It's real struggle especially when at a very young age there is a strong conviction that homosexuality is not compatible with the Christian faith. When I was 14 I came to believe that I didn't have to be gay. I began to develop what I now know to be as a post gay biblical world view. I had no clue back then that ministries like Exodus (Exodus Global Alliance) even existed and hadn't heard of the word post gay let alone ex-gay. I just figured that being gay was a label and I either allowed for my feelings to define me or find my identity somewhere else. It was in the mentoring I received from my youth pastor and his wife that challenged me within the context of relationship and discipleship, to find my identity in Christ. It is basic discipleship that really will sets us up with a foundation that will either be in Jesus Christ and in His word or we'll be set up to stand on shifting sand or be thrown around by the waves as they come crashing upon our the shorelines of our soul allowing for doubt and confusion to dictate future choices and current beliefs or we'll become grounded in our faith and relationship with Jesus Christ and when the waves come crashing along our shoreline we'll have a strong anchor in Christ and a solid foundation in God's word.
It was about a year later I was watching the Oprah Winfrey Show and saw the founders of Love Won Out. Back then Focus On The Family had been facilitating LWO but in recent years Exodus has been facilitating. From the moment I saw the couple being interviewed I began listening to Focus On The Family on a regular basis. It was then I began allowing for authors of books to mentor me... and if that concept could be really truly embraced then I could say that I've allowed myself to be mentored by some incredible people but I didn't know any of them. A few short years later I became more aware of the ministry of Exodus and decided one day that I would somehow get to know more about the ministry and the people involved. I can't remember if I have the year right or not but I think it was 2004 maybe 2005, 10 years after coming to believe that I didn't have to be gay I finally went to a mini conference. I had followed Exodus from a distance but this time I wanted to see the people involved. At the time I was working graveyard shifts at a casino, contract security work. I had put in an application for a vacation but I somehow thought that my application wouldn't be accepted but I knew that I needed to be at that conference. So, without trying to find out whether or not my vacation was approved I just boarded the first Greyhound bus I could across Canada from Vancouver to Toronto where they hosted the conference which was at Tyndale University. I figured I had a 50/50 chance at keeping my job and perhaps they would extend grace to me when I return.
I really didn't know my fate with my job or my employer when I would return but I figured I'd cross that bridge when it came. So I left and on Greyhound travelling along the Trans Canada Highway, there came my security crew pulling over the bus to escort me back home!
Actually, no that didn't happen but my supervisor did tell me my first shift back on duty that he was really close to chasing down that Greyhound bus because as it turned out, since my vacation was in fact that approved there was nobody to cover my shift. I was told after that to never just assume that my vacation would be approved. You know, vacation should be a right of every employee, in some countries it's actually mandatory. I was only gone for a week and a half and I had been employed by that company for a couple of years by that time and I had never once requested time off or a vacation. Today the company is much more lenient with giving vacation time. I know that unless I put in a request early enough chances are the vacation is approved but back then they never gave vacations especially in the middle of summer. Well, I tortured myself travelling for 4 days and 3 nights non-stop on Greyhound, what I sight I must have been knowing that I needed a shower but there I was early with just enough time to get my room, shower, and head down to the cafeteria for dinner. People always talk about their first time experiencing an Exodus conference, it's usually greeted with a lot of anxiety and this is why I particularly really like what would happen my first meal. Since it was a conference in Canada it was a small conference and so it was more of an intimate type gathering of a couple hundred in attendance or something like that. Now that I've experienced an Exodus Freedom Conference in California Tyndale was small in comparison. I traveled to this conference alone, nobody knew back home that I was even in attendance at an Exodus conference and even with work I gave a pretty vague reason in going to Toronto. I think I said I went to go spend the week with friends. I thought, well, maybe I'd meet some new friends there. So, being the natural introvert that I am I grabbed my tray and dinner and found the first group that seemed friendly enough to allow for me to join them... ummm not easy for an introvert that's for sure. This group of individuals were relaxed and friendly and they seemed welcoming and that is exactly what I needed. Anyways, I began to eat my dinner and I began to hear stories of being in ministry and well, I had just finished spending some time at Bible College and so I became somewhat used to gathering with Pastors and church leaders. So I thought, perhaps they were Pastors and I thought well, that was great! Now they can go back to their churches and maybe be better equipped to minister to those struggling. The guy sitting next to me was super hilarious. He was absolutely the funniest guy I had ever met. And then he talked about his face being plastered all over on bill boards as an ex-gay speaker... it was only at that point I then began to question who on earth I was siting at that table with. I began to look around and I finally clued it realizing that I was siting at the table with all the speakers that Exodus had brought in including that funny guy siting next to me I later was introduced to, the none other than Sy Rogers. I seriously had no clue who Sy Rogers was at all but suddenly Exodus wasn't so much about an agenda or even about a message. Suddenly Exodus became about real people with a real story of redemption and healing that was so obvious but I saw the heart of those involved with Exodus. I don't know about you but when you're willing to have your life be put on display and mocked at because you want people to know the same freedom that you have experience, I don't know about you but to me that speaks to something far beyond any agenda it speaks to the reality that there is healing and freedom to be found in Christ from homosexuality but it would come at a great cost. That year I was able to see past the conference and see the individual person, truthfully my most encouraging moment that conference wasn't necessarily seeing a couple hundred people there worshiping God and encountering Christ though we worshiped God and we encountered Christ. My most encouraging moment was that first meal and being given a gift if you will by these individuals, the speakers, the Exodus Global Alliance staff... I heard stories, super funny stories and I heard the stories that spoke of the challenges especially being involved in such a high profile ministry and trying to raise a family. I'll never forget that meal shared and the stories I heard. To follow Christ comes at a great cost. It's not about whether or not it works, it works plain and simple but truth is, we don't always like the way it works. When we try to make it work into our cultural perceptions and try to make it fit within the scope of our often times narrow perspectives it won't work. Following Christ in obedience works every time but the question is, will we embrace obedience even when the sacrifice seems too great? Being a living sacrifice isn't exactly a feel good exercise. Coming to a place of wholeness in Christ relationally and sexually is a byproduct of a life that is willing to trust in the Lord and in His word in such a way that we walk in absolute obedience even when things don't make sense. I believe that people begin a journey of healing but they walk away because the journey itself becomes too painful, their painful emotions surface, their struggles increase, they're more in touch with their emotions, and they're more in touch with everything they lack in life and everything they've missed out on in life. I know, I was there and I can still from time to time find myself in that exact place.
You know when somebody breaks their bone in order to fix a broken bone often times you have to apply what's called a traction. A traction that is applies with take the two ends of the limb that is broken and like a vice will begin to stretch the limb out and basically setting the bone back in place. Often times, when a broken bone is severed and the two broken ends are rubbing up against each other the traction itself will cause greater pain but it's a necessary pain in order to not only restore blood flow into the injured limb but to also enable to bone to heal right and if blood flow isn't restored then you begin to experience tissue death which may lead to the death of the limb and the eventual amputation of that limb, it dies because oxygen can't get to the capillaries of that limb and eventually there is loss of blood until the person reaches the point of no return in the state of shock, pending on the severity of the broken limb and the location the bone is broken. For example, two femur bones broken is part of the rapid transport category because two femurs broken means major blood loss, and the same goes if both humerus bones are broken. It was interesting watching an older sister of mine try to get her first aid ticket. She has absolutely no ability to physically hurt an individual and so you know, when somebody complains of pain her initial response to do whatever she can to alleviate the pain but you know there are times when working as a first aid attendant or paramedic you have to be able to deal with your life saving techniques creating more pain, like the traction... it is a necessary thing to do at times. Usually just before applying any kind of technique that I know will cause a bit of pain to the patient I will always tell the patient what I am going to do and I tell them point blank this will be painful but you will be more comfortable in the long run and while it will be painful this will actually relieve the pain and allow for greater healing... in worst case scenarios ... you don't want to have this limb be re-broken and re-set... to have your bone re-broken is much worse then applying the traction now or your choice, if you want to save your limb. Or, when cleaning a wound, especially if gravel is lodged inside the wound you have to get the gravel out and salt water solution doesn't exactly feel good on a wound but necessary to prevent infection. When somebody begins to journey through a place of inner healing and when a person begins to actually walk away from coping mechanisms and away from everything that has only numbed the pain it's only natural for the pain to re-surface and for one to become more sensitive after one removes every avoiding and coping mechanism. Of course struggles will increase, of course the pain will be felt in deeper and more profound ways. The mistake people make is to place a time limit on how long that part of the journey should last. After applying the traction the limb isn't instantaneously healed. This isn't to say that I don't believe in instantaneous healing because I do I just know that in conventional methods it takes time for a broken bone to heal. I was in that cast for a couple of weeks maybe even longer. At the time I was about 3 and too small for crutches and too small for a wheal chair and so I got carried everywhere I went. I remember falling off the trampoline and getting tangled in the springs and my scream when I finally landed on the ground. You know what bugged me more so than the initial sharp pain of my bone snapping? That would be the frustration of wearing a cast. It was more torturous to wear the cast then it was to have my leg broken. The healing process bugged me more. Do you know what it is like to have an itch that you just can't get to? Even with a coat hanger being shoved down it was never quite enough. When my leg could feel the air for the first time I felt so much relief, I think I rubbed away and then fell back with this great big exhale... Finally!! It's off!!
When I find that I'm struggling a lot it takes a while but eventually I come around and I'm able to see and able to become quite overwhelmed with my incredible need. There is one need we all have and I believe that this is one key factor that will trigger same sex attraction, legitimate needs that have gone unmet particularly the need that we all have when it comes to connecting with those of the same gender. We all need to be able to find healthy ways to connect with, to share life with and to be able to enjoy each others company, to encourage one another in our life journey and just be friends and sisters. I really believe, in fact, it's been my observation that most lesbian women don't really know how to connect with other women without the involvement of sex or at the very least without some kind of emotional dependency or defensive detachments going on or emotional enmeshment happening. As a woman being friends with other women, this is perhaps one of the most difficult types of relationships to navigate through, it could just be because of our complex nature as women. As women there are actually more things that bring a sense of commonality then things that expose differences. The major struggle isn't so much in what separates us and what makes us feel different but rather it's in the difficulty of being able to see what makes us all similar. If you ever spend time with a group of ladies then you'll know that there is such diversity among us as women. The number of factor that has changed for me is that fact that now I see the similarities and the what I see in me that differs isn't what defines me as a woman. I do have to admit though, I've recently been struggling a lot lately and I mean a lot. I've been wading through some pretty intense feelings and emotions and I'm once again reminded of what I lack in life but it's not sending me down into the pit of despair I'm simply bringing this need that I have to Jesus and I'm voicing to him what I lack. Recently. I've decided to try and connect with a woman's bible study / small group at church. I really don't know how that will play out but I'm going ahead with meeting with the leaders of the group and will more then likely next week be joining this group of ladies. I am hoping that this will be exactly what I have been needing. I'm not looking for super close friendship. I am just looking for ways to engage in community with other women because what I need is exactly that. I am hoping that I am a good fit with this women's group. So, anyways, I'll try it out and hopefully there will be a good diverse mix of ladies because I am not going to gather around with a bunch of valley girls, if you know what I mean. I'll let you know how it goes with this women's group but over the last few months I've been praying to be apart of a woman's group at church so it would be nice if this group for me would be a good fit. It's helpful that my church is not a stranger to being a welcoming place for those relationally and sexually broken and so in my opinion the church is one of the leading churches when it comes to dealing with issues of homosexuality and sexuality in general. And with that in mind I don't think that this group of women would be uncomfortable with my story. I did share my testimony at church a while back and so it is possible that a few may know me and my background. To be honest, I'm kinda hoping that these women already know me and my background because I would much rather come into the group and not feel as if I have to hide certain aspects of what I can struggle with and perhaps this could be a safe group to be me and be welcomed into community without having to present myself as somebody I'm not. They want honesty but the question is, to what extent? I guess I will soon find out if they're surface level or not but I would like to contribute and the only way is to really come with what my faith journey and with lessons learned along my faith journey. I really don't want to enter this group and overwhelm the ladies with my incredible need I want to be able to engage from a position of being able to contribute as well. I believe this could be a good starting point for deepening my relationship with Jesus and perhaps I might also experience a deepening work of healing in my own life through this as well. Here's hoping and believing for a good year to come.
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