As I look back and think about what things have gone well for me and what things were a bit of a challenge. Last year I didn't want to make a New Years Resolution because, well, everybody knows that people don't generally keep their new years resolution. And this year is no different, except now I tell myself that my new years resolutions have to do with a lifestyle change. It's manageable when we view our resolutions as a lifestyle change as opposed to setting some kind of goal that is pretty well impossible to attain or keep up. Perhaps, the problem isn't so much with keeping new years resolutions and more about making more realistic resolutions and not basing perfect performance with a pass or fail, is there such a thing as a perfect performance? Yes there is...when we have given something we believe in our all then we have reached perfection in what it is we seek to accomplish. We can't really expect anything more then to just simply doing our best. And instead of trying to reach the expectations of others or even your own high expectations just give it your all and see how we will be blessed when that is what we seek and when we've done our best then we can take that to be the an accomplished task that was well done. So here is what I hope to accomplish and set in place for this year.
What is a New Years Resolution without the traditional -- gotta lose weight! :)
Over the last few years I've been making some real lifestyle changes, some very radical lifestyle changes. I can remember a time when I eat out at fast food restaurants some times multiple times a day just because it was quick and it was food, some kinda of filler. And not only did I eat out A LOT I drank at least 2 pots of coffee a day and the only exercise I did had only been work related... no amount of jogging, running, or even walking wouldn't help with one's health given all the fatty foods, carbs, and sugar that I eat. Not only that but I smoked close to 2 packs a day. Needless to say, things are radically different but not before having gained a lot of weight and dealing with the consequences of living such an unhealthy lifestyle. That all said, about 6 years ago I began to make serious changes in my lifestyle. Making the decision to journey out of homosexuality was just one of many things I chose to walk away from. I mean, the changes I have seen take place in my life is much more broad then any shifting that may or may not take place with my attractions. Same sex attraction is just on the surface of things that run much deeper. Weight gain is one of those things as well. Often times we want to lose weight but never really touch on the things under the surface that lead to the weight gain in the first place. For many people weight gain is just one of many ways of covering up and one of protecting self, much the same way as a woman hides her femininity by developing a pseudo masculine posture. I am much more determined these days to lose the weight. I am doing this for me which is just one way of respecting my body and taking care of myself. I should learn to love myself well, I'm not talking about self acceptance and loving self I'm talking about treating myself with dignity and living with dignity... and the start of which taking care of my body in such a way that I will lose the fat and begin to look great! Gone are the days of being told I have a nice smile and here comes the days when I begin to hear others tell me how great I look! :)
I am going to find ways to embrace femininity in ways I hadn't before, making an effort towards leaving behind ways of self protection and becoming OK with vulnerability.
I haven't made an effort to wear makeup and even though I have changed the kinds of clothes I wear I am feeling the desire to bring out what is feminine in me and allow for people to see that part of me. I have heard it said that 9 times out of 10 how feelings usually follow our actions. When we're stuck behind ways of protecting self and covering up there really is no other way to really dare to encounter Jesus and others in relationship in the places we feel most vulnerable. With me, that involves making some more changes with my clothing as well as makeup... OK just the thought of it is bringing levels of anxiety and that's how I know this is the right step for me. The only thing is, there really is a level of ambivalence being felt but I dare to press through that ambivalence and instead of covering up I think there is something to be said when a woman is able to embrace femininity... the more we're able to embrace our femininity the deeper our healing has come and the more we're able to come to the place of being OK being a woman and knowing at a deeper level that it is good to be a woman.
I've decided to join a woman's bible study / small group at church.
Lord help me with this one. Just recently I connected with a couple of women at church and have discussed the possibility of joining their women's group. I don't know about this... there is some sort of contract they ask members of this group to sign, it is to help maintain confidentiality within the small group. Perhaps this is exactly what I have needed. One tool that is great for those who are committing to journey out of homosexuality is really to take a look at the deficits we've experienced especially when it comes to our need of being affirmed by members of our gender. It is healthy to be able to connect with people of the same gender and perhaps the safest place especially for those struggling with ssa and issues of gender identity is in a group setting and even better when that group setting is centered around Christian fellowship and meeting a diverse group of women all coming from different walks of life. While I'm not going to share detailed information about this group I will most definitely reflect on my feelings, emotions, and things I've processed as I venture into meeting with the group of women from church. We're all roughly the same age and so I don't think I'm going to be the senior in the group, at least I hope I'm not. When I connect with the young adults group at church I'm more or less the senior and so if there are women who are closer to 30 in this group, or even perhaps closer to 40 I'd be thrilled! I'll have to wait and see what the dynamics of this group are. Here is another place where I am beginning to experience a level of ambivalence. This year may be the year of ambivalence and so I'm telling myself that being ambivalent is OK, that is where I am at and I'm fine with that. The hope is to eventually move passed this ambivalence to feeling more comfortable within my own body and my own skin especially within the context of meeting with other women. Given the fact that my experience, more often then not has been quite volatile and unpredictable... even my history with other women within the context of church hasn't been the best, there have been moments of healing but as much as there have been moments that have brought healing there have been moments that really make me want to shrink back and engage in areas I'm more comfortable with, like perhaps start hangin out with the guys! Did I ever mention on a blog that I have always much preferred to work with men? Well, I do, I have not had a good history with other women but I refuse to let that dictate my future relating and the blessing it could be for me to being apart of this small group. I just have one prayer.. I really hope and pray to God this group isn't filled with a bunch of co-dependent women because if that's the case then I will be abandoning ship once again. The last thing I can handle at the moment are co-dependent women and unfortunately there tends to be a lot of co-dependent women in the church. At the very least, I hope there is a good well rounded number of women in this group who are healthy enough to have a good sense of their own strengths and weaknesses when it comes to relating with other women. Lord help me.
Anyways, it is New Years Eve and I'm off to bring in the New Year at an all nighter worship event. :)
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