And The Dance Continues

It's not very often but this season I have decided to watch Dancing With the Stars. The controversy continues with Chaz.  For many of us Chaz needs no introduction.  As the season unfolded I watched as Chaz struggled to perform. I couldn't help but to observe the pink elephant in the room but there it was. As hard as Chaz tried and worked to perform there was always something a little off. No matter how masculine one feels inside or no matter how disconnected one feels from their own gender and from their same gender peers there will always be a very critical piece missing within the pursuit of a gender one was not naturally born with physically and that pursuit becomes a hindrance towards becoming the man or woman that God created us to be.  I've heard it said that many who undergo sex change operations feel no more connected with themselves then before the operation, in fact, many can feel even more disconnected then ever before.  I know when I began to pursue the transgender identity I felt even more disconnected from everybody.

The dance is one of the most poetic and prophetic pictures that we see reflecting how two become one within an artistic display of adventure, tension, the union where the two begin to move to the rhythm of the song as one.  And try that he may but there will always be something just a little off, no matter how successful a surgery may be or how disconnected one feels within their own gender, changing body parts and trying to fill a role we've never been born to fill no matter how we may feel internally, that disconnect will always be there and that poetic and prophetic picture becomes distorted.  Even if one cuts off body parts to the look like the other male/male and female/female will never reflect the oneness that God designed within the context of male/female partnership.  We see this not only in the poetic dance but we see this in relationship as well.  We are created in God's Image, male and female.  It's only been recently where certain theology has begun to look at male and female separately within the context of being created in God's Image but that couldn't be the farthest thing from the truth.  Even  in the account of man and woman being created again we see this poetic wording that earlier theologians have picked up on.  It is when man and woman stand face to face and side by side we see most clearly the Image of God.  

The other day I shared my testimony.  The more secure I become in myself the more relaxed I can be and the better I'm able to communicate parts of my story but when I reach into the depths of my heart and I have the courage to go to the places I've been most impacted I can't help but to get emotional.  I can't help but to be moved when God meets me in the deepest core of my being, ministering to me in areas that only He can.  It's a dance is what it is.  

There was one time while praying in small group the Lord gave me this picture.  In front of me was this black wall but had the hand of Jesus piercing through the dark wall in a way that was an invitation to a dance.  This picture was incredibly symbolic for me.  In the earlier years of my Mother, she used to compete as a ballroom dancer.  When I was younger  I used to watch ballroom dance competitions just to try to gain a glimpse of the kind of woman my Mother was.  There she is to the left and when I see her I don't see any flaws.  I always wanted to be like my mother but I never felt like I had it in me and yet one of my last conversations with my Nana, my mother's Mom she would share with me all the ways in which I reminded her of her own daughter.  Perhaps it was the way in which we both engaged life... laughter, passion, and faith, of course there were challenges and difficulty but even with adversity my mother lived life to the fullest and made every second count especially with all her kids.  She knew what mattered most and when she was bent on doing something, it was done.  I certainly lack the grace, I lacked a lot of what one would think to be stereotypically feminine.  I spent my entire life shoving down and pushing away everything and anything that was anything close to being feminine and instead I presented this pseudo-masculine posture and in many many ways I can relate to Chaz especially in the way in which Chaz has felt disconnected with her own gender and her same gender peers.  The only difference is, his way of reckoning with the disconnect was to pursue the masculine even harder... the more masculine I had become the more disconnected I felt and the more I began to realize that rejecting myself as a woman wasn't the answer even though my feelings and internal conflict suggested otherwise.  There was something more deeply profound that was wounded and in need to be healed.  And there was Jesus beginning to meet with me in the place where I needed to be met.  What my Mother was unable to do for me Jesus began to step into that void and he invited me into what I had yet to explore.  The extended hand invited me away from what familiar and towards the unfamiliar, towards what often times came with anxiety and fear.  I had to be vulnerable enough to take the hand of Jesus and waltz through the darkness and into the unknown.  When it comes to traditional ballroom dancing there are very clear gender roles... male and female are uniquely different yet move as one within the poetic and prophetic picture of the dance.  The man becomes the frame, the structure, the one who holds the dance in place and the woman responds to his leading in the dance, his divine masculine initiative is greeted with the divine feminine response.  As the dance unfolds he becomes the frame and she become the picture.  I'm not so disconnected with my own gender anymore.  I readily identify as a woman and I like being a woman.  Ten years ago I wouldn't have been able to say that but today my past and my perceived differences don't define me and my feelings and whatever internal conflict that might arise from time to time that too does not define who it is that God created me to be.  As I shared my testimony I intentionally ended by saying, and the dance continues to unfold.    

Jesus becomes the frame and we become the picture,

we become the art work of His creation for the display of His glory.