My name is Sarah - Jane ...
There is growing in me this new appreciation for my name. Perhaps because I'm getting older, maturing, I don't know, but one thing I do know is there is actually a significant meaning behind my name which is rooted in this fine balance of feminine strength and perhaps this is the reason why I've had this ambivalence surrounding my name. Not only have I had this seemingly distant understanding of what true femininity is, actually for many years the feminine grew mysterious for me, I didn't readily understand femininity and that's not to say that I fully understand today because I don't. I do know however, the feminine isn't as mysterious because it's becoming more and more of an experiential reality in me. You know, some girls go through a season of being what's called a tom-boy and in my younger years, especially my early years that was a label that was placed on me but most girls who go through the tom-boy phase generally grow up well adjusted within a sense of who they are as women but then there are others that seem to go through something a little more deeper rooted in their heart of hearts and it goes well beyond any tom-boy labeling and it ventures into this complete rejection of anything and everything feminine and there comes this psychological drive whether consciously or unconsciously to become better then men and then others may have such a deeply rooted fear and hatred towards men. Then there are still others who in their rejection of the feminine, the only other option is this pseudo-masculine posture and again, this is either done consciously or unconsciously, I believe more so unconsciously then consciously.
There is growing in me this new appreciation for my name. Perhaps because I'm getting older, maturing, I don't know, but one thing I do know is there is actually a significant meaning behind my name which is rooted in this fine balance of feminine strength and perhaps this is the reason why I've had this ambivalence surrounding my name. Not only have I had this seemingly distant understanding of what true femininity is, actually for many years the feminine grew mysterious for me, I didn't readily understand femininity and that's not to say that I fully understand today because I don't. I do know however, the feminine isn't as mysterious because it's becoming more and more of an experiential reality in me. You know, some girls go through a season of being what's called a tom-boy and in my younger years, especially my early years that was a label that was placed on me but most girls who go through the tom-boy phase generally grow up well adjusted within a sense of who they are as women but then there are others that seem to go through something a little more deeper rooted in their heart of hearts and it goes well beyond any tom-boy labeling and it ventures into this complete rejection of anything and everything feminine and there comes this psychological drive whether consciously or unconsciously to become better then men and then others may have such a deeply rooted fear and hatred towards men. Then there are still others who in their rejection of the feminine, the only other option is this pseudo-masculine posture and again, this is either done consciously or unconsciously, I believe more so unconsciously then consciously.
When I first began this journey I did this exercise, I looked at my naked body in the mirror and said to myself, I am a woman, I am a woman created in God's Image, I am feminine albeit it's masked somehow and in some way but deep within me is and has been and God-created femininity and it is good to be a woman. The first time I did that I really felt kinda odd but I knew I had to because there was such a disconnect and fractured sense of who I am as a woman. In my life experience I didn't have a consistent role model of what it means to be a woman. My Mother passed away when I was two and my older sisters were significantly older then I am and the majority of the women in my life were just not significantly present in my life and so there really had been this void of relationship with other women who were able to really convey that it is good to be a woman and there were few if no men in my life to let me know it was safe to be a woman. So I grew up believing that it was not good to be a woman, I was less than and left vulnerable as a woman. My twin brother had way more freedom then I had and I had believed it was because he was a boy. My brother seemed to be allowed to shorten his name whereas when my friends called me Sarah or Jane or even SJ my father hated it. My argument was that Jeffrey had friends calling him Jeff and so why couldn't my friends call me either Sarah or Jane for short. In the latter yeas of my time in Elementary school people began calling me Janey and to be honest at the time I really liked being called Janey. My Grandfather used to call me Sarah-Janey and he was the only one who could. As a little girl I can remember running up to my Grandfather and as I'd jump up he'd pick me up and hug me so tight I could barely breath and then as he'd kiss my cheek his wiskers would scratch my face. Those were the days I had Grandparents living in Steveston and my brother and I would go frog hunting or taking over the streets in the village with our cool hot rod bikes, my cool red hot rod bike and my brothers cool blue hot rod bike.
A few years back I was at a family reunion and at the reunion I voiced my dislike for my name. First of all, my full name is a bit of a tongue twister and I've always had a lazy tongue to begin and so it's WORK to pronounce my first name let alone my last name. My last name I couldn't even spell right for the longest time. One day my father sat both my brother and I had the dining room table and there we spelled out our last name on every line on a piece of paper just to get us to be able to spell our name right. It worked, ever since then I spelled my last name right and I think if it were not for that exercise alone I'd be referring back to my id to get my name spelled right. So while I mentioned to Uncle Walter I had a dislike for my name he kinda looked at me with this expression that only Uncle Walter could express. It was somewhere between a comical face and a disbelief all wrapped into one. Then finally, after an awkward silent break Uncle Walter told me that I was named after his Grand Mother, Sarah-Jane Pybus. I then tried to explain that it was just that I had found pronouncing my full name difficult as it usually comes out somewhere between Sir-Jane to Sar-Jane so again it's work to say Sar-ah-Jane. I'm surprised when people at church or my friends call me by my full name but in a way I'm really beginning to appreciate it. My family will always call me by my full name so it's nothing new under the sun when they call me.
Uncle Water is the brother of my Grandfather William (Bill) Husband, my mother's father. When my mother was about 9 her fathers fishing boat capsized somewhere off the shore of the West Coast in Canada. When that happened Search and Rescue teams were sent out for months before they stopped searching, his body never being recovered. I was named after the Grandmother of my Grandfather, my Great Grandmother. And so my name really does have significant value beyond it just being my name. My name also reminded my Uncle of his Grandmother. After Uncle Walter shared with me the history of my name cousin Jane share with me how my parents came up with my name... actually it was more of brain storming conversation that cousin Jane had with my Mother. I think, there was the option of just calling me Jane but then my Mother said, no lets call her after my Grandmother. And so my Mother was the one to name me and that really placed in me a deeper value in my name. I can also appreciate the reason behind my father hating my name being shortened. There are people who call me Sarah and there are a couple people who might call me Jane or SJ and all I can say is that I might start introducing myself as Sarah-Jane but I might have to take some speech therapy lessons first ;)
When people would respond to my name I would hear one of two things that would always make me cringe inside. The first would be, "oh, so where is Abraham?"... ::: still cringing inside:::: the other would be the mentioning of the Hebrew meaning to Sarah which is Princess and I'd cringe inside because I'm nothing like any Princess. Then there is the name Jane which is, Fullness of Grace. Beyond the cultural definition of grace I can really appreciate the meaning of Jane. Princess, Full of Grace. Jane has more power behind it and well I'm still nothing like a Princess but I do find it a bit of an irony that I've been walking through a journey of reclaiming my femininity and embracing the woman that God intended for me to be and my name fits really with me the journey itself.
I live to break every boundary that any stereotype might seek to define...
I live my life central to the cross and allow for my Creator to define and as I heard a friend once say, and quite frankly who has the right besides Jesus to define me. The powers at be in pop-culture doesn't have that right to name me or to define me either. Our world is slowly changing and there seems to be a growing stigmatization for those who make the choice to leave the gay life and to like myself pursue a life beyond homosexuality while making our life central to the cross of Christ and allowing for our maker to define us before pop-culture or the American Psychological Association for that matter can or ever will.
True biblical Christianity is Counter - Cultural...
True biblical Christianity is certainly counter-cultural, especially when living in a post-Christian Nation like Canada. There might be some people who remain in the dark, in the dust, with the dinosaur fossils but truth be told Canada cannot claim to be a Christian Nation when Christians in Canada are in the minority despite whatever Christian influence there had been while Canada developed as a Nation.
We will either allow for pop-culture and the American Psychological Association to define us and to place restrictions on how we choose to practice our faith and walk out our salvation or we can take hold of the cross and allow for our resurrected Christ to define what and who we can become as we trust in Him on this journey of reclaiming everything we've lost and the blessings that follow.
Psalm 139:13-18...
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mothers womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts.
How vast is the sum of them,
they would outnumber the grains of the sand--
when I awake, I am still with you.
That exercise I did while looking at my naked body in the mirror isn't an exercise I do anymore. That disconnect I had mentioned isn't felt to the same degree it once was. I can still experience same sex attraction but I no longer fear the development of same sex attraction, when it does surface I am free to release it at the cross of Christ and allow for the cross to define any friendship that I might develop and I'm free to do so without any fear of any attractions that surfaces because it no longer has the same hold on me it once did, it no longer defines me, and it certainly does not have to dictate my behavior. And of course, pop-culture and the American Psychological Association can't dictate how I live my life either. It's not an accredited therapist I need when really it is Jesus who I really need so that I can stand at the cross of Jesus in all my brokenness, in all my weaknesses and vulnerabilities towards sin, and stand forgiven and renewed.
I don't know about you, but to me that sounds a heck of a lot like freedom.
A few years back I was at a family reunion and at the reunion I voiced my dislike for my name. First of all, my full name is a bit of a tongue twister and I've always had a lazy tongue to begin and so it's WORK to pronounce my first name let alone my last name. My last name I couldn't even spell right for the longest time. One day my father sat both my brother and I had the dining room table and there we spelled out our last name on every line on a piece of paper just to get us to be able to spell our name right. It worked, ever since then I spelled my last name right and I think if it were not for that exercise alone I'd be referring back to my id to get my name spelled right. So while I mentioned to Uncle Walter I had a dislike for my name he kinda looked at me with this expression that only Uncle Walter could express. It was somewhere between a comical face and a disbelief all wrapped into one. Then finally, after an awkward silent break Uncle Walter told me that I was named after his Grand Mother, Sarah-Jane Pybus. I then tried to explain that it was just that I had found pronouncing my full name difficult as it usually comes out somewhere between Sir-Jane to Sar-Jane so again it's work to say Sar-ah-Jane. I'm surprised when people at church or my friends call me by my full name but in a way I'm really beginning to appreciate it. My family will always call me by my full name so it's nothing new under the sun when they call me.
Uncle Water is the brother of my Grandfather William (Bill) Husband, my mother's father. When my mother was about 9 her fathers fishing boat capsized somewhere off the shore of the West Coast in Canada. When that happened Search and Rescue teams were sent out for months before they stopped searching, his body never being recovered. I was named after the Grandmother of my Grandfather, my Great Grandmother. And so my name really does have significant value beyond it just being my name. My name also reminded my Uncle of his Grandmother. After Uncle Walter shared with me the history of my name cousin Jane share with me how my parents came up with my name... actually it was more of brain storming conversation that cousin Jane had with my Mother. I think, there was the option of just calling me Jane but then my Mother said, no lets call her after my Grandmother. And so my Mother was the one to name me and that really placed in me a deeper value in my name. I can also appreciate the reason behind my father hating my name being shortened. There are people who call me Sarah and there are a couple people who might call me Jane or SJ and all I can say is that I might start introducing myself as Sarah-Jane but I might have to take some speech therapy lessons first ;)
When people would respond to my name I would hear one of two things that would always make me cringe inside. The first would be, "oh, so where is Abraham?"... ::: still cringing inside:::: the other would be the mentioning of the Hebrew meaning to Sarah which is Princess and I'd cringe inside because I'm nothing like any Princess. Then there is the name Jane which is, Fullness of Grace. Beyond the cultural definition of grace I can really appreciate the meaning of Jane. Princess, Full of Grace. Jane has more power behind it and well I'm still nothing like a Princess but I do find it a bit of an irony that I've been walking through a journey of reclaiming my femininity and embracing the woman that God intended for me to be and my name fits really with me the journey itself.
I live to break every boundary that any stereotype might seek to define...
I live my life central to the cross and allow for my Creator to define and as I heard a friend once say, and quite frankly who has the right besides Jesus to define me. The powers at be in pop-culture doesn't have that right to name me or to define me either. Our world is slowly changing and there seems to be a growing stigmatization for those who make the choice to leave the gay life and to like myself pursue a life beyond homosexuality while making our life central to the cross of Christ and allowing for our maker to define us before pop-culture or the American Psychological Association for that matter can or ever will.
True biblical Christianity is Counter - Cultural...
True biblical Christianity is certainly counter-cultural, especially when living in a post-Christian Nation like Canada. There might be some people who remain in the dark, in the dust, with the dinosaur fossils but truth be told Canada cannot claim to be a Christian Nation when Christians in Canada are in the minority despite whatever Christian influence there had been while Canada developed as a Nation.
We will either allow for pop-culture and the American Psychological Association to define us and to place restrictions on how we choose to practice our faith and walk out our salvation or we can take hold of the cross and allow for our resurrected Christ to define what and who we can become as we trust in Him on this journey of reclaiming everything we've lost and the blessings that follow.
Psalm 139:13-18...
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mothers womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts.
How vast is the sum of them,
they would outnumber the grains of the sand--
when I awake, I am still with you.
That exercise I did while looking at my naked body in the mirror isn't an exercise I do anymore. That disconnect I had mentioned isn't felt to the same degree it once was. I can still experience same sex attraction but I no longer fear the development of same sex attraction, when it does surface I am free to release it at the cross of Christ and allow for the cross to define any friendship that I might develop and I'm free to do so without any fear of any attractions that surfaces because it no longer has the same hold on me it once did, it no longer defines me, and it certainly does not have to dictate my behavior. And of course, pop-culture and the American Psychological Association can't dictate how I live my life either. It's not an accredited therapist I need when really it is Jesus who I really need so that I can stand at the cross of Jesus in all my brokenness, in all my weaknesses and vulnerabilities towards sin, and stand forgiven and renewed.
I don't know about you, but to me that sounds a heck of a lot like freedom.
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