The Day I Almost Sunk my Dad's Boat

There is nothing more peaceful then waves rocking a boat gently while anchored inside a little harbour hidden away from the rushing waves of the river. One of my most coveted times when fishing with my dad would be just like the times I described above. After spending long days in the river casting the net and long laborious hours pulling in the net and gathering fish I learned to really appreciate the quite times while tied up at the local dock or tucked away anchored inside some harbour. It was usually late at night I would spend time with the Lord seeking His presence and listening quietly for His voice. I can actually remember being anchored inside this little harbour and all I could hear were the waves crashing up against the shore and the clanging of the metal as the boat rocked gently from side to side while gazing into the night sky counting the stars. I spent many nights like that while in total awe with the Creator of the universe as I allowed my mind to run wild to somehow come to grasp the vastness of all that I could see and only dream of what is out there that we have yet to discover. The current discoveries are mind boggling and all of which just stirs up within me to think that my God created all this and there is so much more! I am left in awe and wonder of our Creator God. I am left in awe and wonder and yet perplexed and struggle to make sense of the current state in which we live and sometimes have to ask God why.

If God is all powerful why then are Nations destroyed by war? Why is there corruption in the world? Why does there have to be starving children in the world and rich nations surrounding these starving children? Why are people more concerned about dictating how people live their lives and do nothing to see true justice take place for the most vulnerable people in our globalized world today? I can’t help but to see the glaring contradictions and I know that when a People have not realized who they are and wander the world in a state of confusion grieves the heart of God. What also grieves the heart of God is the incredible injustice and corruption that we see in the world today. And all of creation groans and waits for the day we realize who we are and rise up to the occasion that we’ve been destined for.

On another occasion I can recall travelling home the summer I worked for my dad on his fishing boat. We travelled down the Western Coast of British Columbia in Canada from Bella Coola all the way to experience the wild adventure it is to cross the Strait of Georgia just to come home. On that trip I just about sank my dad’s boat not once, not twice, but three times and then on another occasion nearly beached the boat after having to navigate through some pretty heavy fog. My father took control of the boat as we travelled over night and I woke up at the crack of dawn to take over while my dad took a nap in his bunk. Needless to say my father had a few rude awakenings while trying to sleep as his daughter tried with all her might to not sink the boat! Actually, I’d have to say that the time I had the wheal as the boat got rocked by waves could count for a time I nearly capsized the fishing boat. I’m grateful to have a fast acting and highly skilled father who managed to take control of the boat saving us from having to jump over board and wait to be rescued in the water or swim to shore--whichever came first.

I always had a tendency to allow for creation to be used by God to speak to me. Sometimes God used the night sky and the stars and then sometimes he used my life experiences to speak to me. If we’re listening we might be amazed to see how much of the physical is representing the spiritual. I’ve not always been in tune to this but man when I look back to my experience working for my dad on his fishing boat and the travels it sure speaks volumes to the journey that has since passed but I held onto the main theme the Lord showed me while I nearly got rocked right off the captains chair as I sat there holding on for dear life, pinned with fear not knowing what to do. I just sat there as the boat got rocked and as the waves came crashing over the bow of the boat. My life literally flashed right before my eyes as I prayed, “Oh dear God please let me see the light of day again!” while not knowing if the water that covered the bow of the boat would clear or if that meant the wave had overtaken the boat. Just as the thought to wake up my dad came to mind my dad was at the wheel and the water cleared.

It took a while for my anxiety levels to lower but they eventually did. After my dad had taken control of the boat he began to teach me how to safely ride over each wave counting each wave really insignificant and not powerful enough to really leave the boat incapacitated to do anything. I then took the wheel again and when my dad felt I was able to keep control of the boat as we travelled through the rough waters he went back to sleep. As I sat there cranking the steering wheel and riding over each wave that greeted the boat the Lord began to speak to me. He first brought back a memory that had been long since forgotten but the experience of seeing the waves crashing over the boat with all the fear and anxiety that came with it this childhood memory had come back. It was of an experience that was actually very similar. We were travelling in and around the same area and in the same kind of conditions and I was equally afraid as that little child experiencing the rough waters f0r the very first time. The only difference is, I over came sea sickness on my first fishing trip but it came at a time when I was confronted with what seemed to be the most frightening of moments and where the waters seemed to be the most fierce. I must have been about 7 when I went on my first fishing trip.

I worked for my dad about 10 years later at the age of 17 where I learned to steer the fishing boat over the rough waters, and also the moment in time the Lord began to speak to me. As he brought back the memory of my first fishing trip and experience of the rough waters for the first time, this is what the Lord had spoken to me. At the age of 7 I can remember holding onto the counter as the waves crashed over the bow of the boat. I stood trying to keep my balance with tears forming and all I could do was look up at my father with these eyes that seemed to communicate to my dad that I needed for him to tell me that everything was going to be ok. My father motioned for me to climb up onto his lap and so I did. I could see something different after climbing up onto my father’s knee. I watched as the waves approached the boat. I saw how my father prepared to ride over each wave and knew that everything was ok because I could see that my father was in complete control. As I sat on my father’s knee he also taught me how to overcome my sea sickness and regain my center of balance while being rocked on the boat. By the time I was working for my dad I learned how to cook while being tossed around by the water, except he was forced to eat scrambled eggs for breakfast. As the Lord brought back this memory to me he began to say these following words, “Remember when you were younger and all you could see were the waves crashing over the boat. Then you were invited to climb up onto your father’s knee. Your view changed. You could see your father prepare to ride over each wave and you could see there was an end to the waves. In the same way I am your father in heaven and what I see is different from what you see. Storms come and go. Storms of life they too come and they go. I am God. Even in the midst of the storm I am still God.

At the age of 17 cranking that steering wheel through and over the rough waters it dawned on me that I wasn’t on my father’s knee anymore but holding onto that steering wheel conquering my fears of the water and in complete control of the boat. I looked out at the rough waters were by then were riding over gently and with ease, tears began to fall down my face knowing and completely understanding that somehow that word was directly related to the state of confusion I had lived my entire life in and all I really wanted was to somehow navigate through my faith and make sense of my faith and relationship with Jesus and bring it into context to what I had been experiencing. On one hand I have this relationship with Jesus that by then had been growing since early childhood and then on the other the conflict between my faith and sexuality. I was confused, I didn’t know what to do and I struggled in secret and my life was consumed by the shame and guilt of it all. The more I tried to be the good Christian I thought I was supposed to be, the more I struggled and the more I came to recognize what lurked within my heart as deceptive as it may be. I began to pray, Lord will you help me to see my life from your perspective and help me to see my life beyond the present that I may step into the fullness of that which you have called me into.

Nearly 17 years later and that remains my prayer even to this day. My life and my experiences as well as my own personal journey is becoming less of a secret. As people discover this blog I write and as I open myself up to those closest to me they get to know more about my life's journey. I've just been asked to share my testimony at History Makers. It's like returning full circle as my whole entire journey with Jesus was just absolutely inspired by my time at what we then called YC, or Youth Convention. I can't believe that YC has morphed into now History Makers and opened up to all denominations. Back when I attended History Makers the Youth Convention had only been advertised throughout the Pentecostal Assemblies of Canada. I watched it grow from being hosted in a large church to being held in an arena and now it's just morphed in size! This really is all just surreal. I can barely remember the last time I attended this conference but it was a while ago. I will be attending this workshop on homosexuality and in that workshop being giving a 10 minute testimony on my own personal journey. If you watch the video I actually recognize a few people in that video. I can't wait to actually be there. I have a feeling I'm going to see a bunch of people I went to Bible College with who are now Youth Pastors and Youth Leaders. However, this may be an interesting week. I was struggling secretly while attending Bible College and I hadn't seen anyone from the Bible College in like 10 years. I know many of us have changed... gosh, it's like going to a reunion. I just have to sit here for a few days and just ponder the thought that I've now just come full circle. It's a crazy thought to be sharing my testimony even if it's just a workshop, it's crazy because this is and will be sharing my testimony a little closer to home but when I was asked to do this I jumped at the occasion. I can just see myself bumping into one of the HM leaders I knew from my Bible College days. Some of them have known me for over 10 years and I've kept much of my struggles a secret from most of everyone back then.

It's just going to be crazy that's all I can say and I'm not afraid but actually excited for this opportunity. It's like ya, hi, haven't seen you in 10 years and oh, ya... I've since been in and out of the gay community, that's what's new with me, what about you? But on more interesting note to end this blog post with is the fact that it's just a surreal thought to, like I said, be coming around full circle to the place where it basically all started for me but now from a place of now being able to take a stand. It's interesting. This years theme is STAND. The first year I attended YC was the year that Josh McDowell had come with his Right from Wrong campaign. That was the year I made a real commitment to Christ in every area of my life including my sexuality. It wasn't a journey that was all successful from that point on. It was a journey full of failure, full of disappointments, full of discouragement but I look back today and I'm filled with hope and encouragement knowing that God has given me all that I need for the life that He has called me into.