What Lens Do You View Life From?

I'm always having to ask myself the question, what on earth am I doing? Why am I on the particular faith journey that I am on? What motivates me to go in the particular direction that I am on? Why have I made the decisions that I have in my faith journey, in particular with regards to my sexuality? Is it really as fruitless as others claim it to be?


When I saw the photo of this little girl taking a good look at the road ahead of her I couldn't help but to be reminded of how a picture says a thousand words. It's a great picture of what the start of the journey is like. How old is this little girl? I figure the girl has to be maybe 2 years old. Here she is alone and on this seemingly endless road. I can't help but to think of how vulnerable she would be if she were to truly be alone and to have to journey life as it unfolds grasping at whatever comes her way just to survive.

I was only 2 years old when my Mother had passed away. In many ways I saw myself in this little girl standing alone on this road with a very long journey ahead. I can remember a story my sister and her husband shared. My sister and her husband were out vacationing somewhere, I can't remember where but this one particular occasion they were spending some time on the beach. My sister's daughter must have been around 2 years old at the time and my sister and her husband were just loving their new season as new parents and my sister's husband had the camera out. One thing that he thought was great would be the times he allowed her daughter to venture out and explore her surroundings. He never did let her get too far away but I guess this one particular time she had gained a fare bit of distance but she was close enough where he could have no problem running up to her. My sisters husband had thought that his little girl began to really enjoy her surroundings and thought her running was just a celebration of her new found freedom. Well, after a couple minutes of seeing the weird expressions of those passing by he began to think that maybe something was wrong so he ran up to his little girl only to find that she was just absolutely freaked out, running around and crying with such desperation and believing that she had been abandoned. She didn't know how close her father really had been but to her in her little mind she was all alone in this strange land and that freaked her out. She just kept running and as she kept running she had picked up speed. Before I go any further, don't go believing that my sister and her husband are neglectful parents! They're not! I'd say my sister's family is filled with adventure and are people who love life to the fullest. Every day I see my sisters husband express to his daughter she's a little princess loved by her father and she fully believes this and accepts it and I see a little girl who's secure in her relationship with both her Mother and Father.

Things sometimes happen. What we think might be fun turns out to not be fun. What we think looks like a kid celebrating her new found freedom really is a kid freaked out thinking she's alone when in fact she's not. What we think is right might actually be wrong. What is the perception that you have with your own life? What lens are you viewing your life and experiences through? I can't help but to think that as I journey along this road the particular lens I view my life's circumstances will often times feed into what messages I receive. If that lens isn't a particularly helpful lens I might be quick to view my experiences in life as rejection and that might even have a profound influence over decisions that I make. It may even impact my faith and every single relationship that I have or will develop down the road. Not only will the lens I view my life affect my faith journey but it could perhaps distort messages received and when that happens conflict usually has a tendency to surface. The question isn't so much whether or not we view life through any particular lens because we all do. There might be a possibility that our experience and reality may not be the reality after all. And with that in mind, why then do we seem to elevate our experiences far and above the scriptures that we say are foundational for living life and foundational to our faith? It's important to acknowledge our experiences and reality but are we holding up our experiences and reality as the supreme truth in our lives and the scriptures as secondary?

I've been especially reminded this past year and more recently that it is so easy to elevate my experiences above the truth found in scripture. It is so easy to see through the lens of somebody forgotten, abandoned, alone, rejected, orphaned ... then it is to see through the lens of being a child of God. It is so easy for me to get caught up with what I see in the now then it is to see the much broader perspective of eternity. As we listen to some of the arguments that are coming from gay activists and Gay Christian movement alike I am beginning to see a trend that's not unlike the development of liberal theology being developed to a whole new level where one's experience and reality is being replaced as the supremacy of truth. For example, one might believe change has yet to be my reality so therefore change is impossible. Another example could be, I never chose to be gay so therefore I must have been born gay. And then of course there are the thoughts and reflections that motivate people to respond in different ways to their sexuality in particular with folks who are same sex attracted.

Recently I came across a couple comments from folks who would
claim to be either ex-ex-gay or ex-gay survivor. These are the
responses a few gave when asked why they tried to change...

"I was highly motivated by the fear of hell and the idealism of hetero-supremacy that was proclaimed in my churches and especially in Bible College.


"I am beginning to believe that underneath my own desire to de-gay was the belief that I wasn’t the right kind of woman.

I've been on this journey off and on for the last 19 years, the last 6 years I've been committed to leaving homosexuality. I really don't have a desire to return to my old life but I'd be less than honest and less than integral if I were not to admit that I've had my views and convictions shaken a lot and the fact that it raised a few questions. Then I came to realize that I began to raise up my experience and reality as the supreme truth instead of allowing for scripture to be the supremacy of truth and the foundation to live my life. If that's not making self and idol I don't know what it!

As I read through the above statements I began to ask the obvious question that really hadn't been asked but should have been. When they began what they describe as their ex-gay experience, what lens did they view their experience from? What lens were they viewing their life from? Did this have a negative or positive affect within the context of their experience? Just because their felt experience was negative was it? What if their experience had been largely influenced by a skewed perception that was altered because of the particular lens they had been viewing their experience from? This had been true for me so could it be true for others?

Let's take a closer look at the first comment ...

"I was highly motivated by the fear of hell and the idealism of hetero-supremacy that was proclaimed in my churches and especially in Bible College.


I've recently connected to the alumni group from the Bible College I had attended. I grew fascinated by some of the comments I began to read. I began to realize that I saw my Bible College experience through a lens that altered my ability to see the real picture. I was amazed by some of the lessons some of my classmates had learned over the years of their Bible College experience. I had heard some of the same teaching and for whatever reason I had viewed the teaching as negative. Looking back, it wasn't negative at all but filled with truth and wisdom and unfortunately, in my early 20's I lacked the maturity to be able to receive during my time at Bible College and had seen through a very different lens back then. Had I seen through the lens I do today I would have taken hold of what I had been learning in Bible College and be seeing the fruit of that today. I say that because I look back at my Bible College and am only reminded of painful experiences. I am beginning to wonder if I had seen through a different lens would my experiences in Bible College be as painful as they are? Perhaps maybe not. Perhaps I'm the one that created some of the conflict by making up some alternate reality to my experience. As I had read over some of these comments I couldn't help but to be confronted with the fact that often times I didn't hear right. By the end of my 3rd year at Bible College I began to get it. It broke me inside and so I dropped out of Bible College looking for answers I couldn't find listening to lecture after lecture. What I needed was a deeper relationship with Jesus and I couldn't get that at Bible College because I had been too busy trying to be the perfect Christian leader I could and yet failing at that miserably but at least I tried! I didn't have the freedom to admit I was struggling. I had pushed away all my struggles and when life circumstances grew too difficult all my struggles returned with a vengeance. I had previously enjoyed a few years blissfully free of same sex attraction, being same sex attracted wasn't on the register at all but eventually it returned and when it did it turned my life upside and down and challenged every belief I had concerning every conviction I had with regards to my sexuality, the scriptures, and even my response. It led to my exploring the gay community, the gay Christian movement and led me into a brief season of being ex-ex-gay/gay celibate christian. Then I met a friend who not only challenged my view of other men and broke down the barriers I had with other men but he also began to break down the barriers I had with ex-gay ministries.

It is interesting to note, I had all these issues with ex-gay ministries and yet I hadn't had any personal experience with any ex-gay ministries but formed my views and opinion upon what I heard instead of seeing each individual person as they truly are. With that in mind I spontaneously hopped onto the Greyhound bus and traveled clear across Canada from Vancouver to Toronto just for a Conference put on by Exodus Global Alliance where I had attended my first conference nearly 8 years ago. And then last summer I attended my first Exodus Freedom Conference hosted by Exodus International. I can still remember the first time I attended one of these conferences which had been in Toronto. I hadn't been fully convinced that these people were legitimate but I went because I wanted to meet them. I wanted to meet the leaders and others who were seasoned in the journey. I had no clue that there were quite a few seasoned on this journey right here in my city of Vancouver. I didn't know who any of these people were. The first meal I had while attending my first conference at Tyndale University I sat down at this one table unknowingly I just sat down with the head leaders of Exodus Global Alliance, their family, as well as one man I grew to respect, who had also been the main speaker at this Exodus event... Sy Rogers. I didn't know any of these people and had no clue the type of ministry that Sy Rogers had been in but there he was sitting next to me among other Exodus leaders. I just ignorantly invited myself into their circle and listened to their conversation as they spoke about family life and ministry... the good, the bad, and the ugly... the joy and challenges, and lets just say that when Sy Rogers is at the table sharing stories...Well, I laughed so hard and so long I had this perma smile on my face for the remainder of that evening, in all honesty I almost had to excuse myself for laughing so hard because I nearly peed my pants! ha ha... and that was my introduction to folks at Exodus. I was literally mortified when everyone at the table began to introduce themselves to me realizing who they all were! I still remember some of them laughing at my response. It was great! I loved the fact that they were personal and welcoming to somebody like myself who so obviously hadn't been apart of their social circle and yet allowed for me to hear their stories. To me they were just people that were perhaps a little farther down the road. Suddenly these people were not the people that gay activists and gay Christians would have you believe... suddenly these people were real people with families and living life and a very full life that could only be the result of their faith and relationship with Jesus Christ. I know that even as I share these stories they probably don't even remember me but I remember them and the brief moment I shared with them while I gained an inside perspective of their life, their ministry, and their faith.

I have to say that what motivated me on my faith journey had never been fear. Fear is a motivation that will never last and it's exhausting and besides, fear is not of the Lord. When we encounter I real faith, a real relationship with Jesus, the motivation becomes a love relationship with Jesus Christ that overrides any and all desires that may be there including the desire to want to have same sex attraction completely eradicated from one's life. Many of us want to have the temptations we face in life to be completely eradicated from our life but that's just not biblicaly accurate. What is biblically accurate is to face the reality of our temptations and to view our temptations through the lens of scripture and when we do we can find a commonality within our shared humanity. Fear is not a healthy motivation and it's certainly not what any ministry helping individuals with unwanted same sex attraction promotes or encourages. Often times these hidden motivations are just that, they're hidden and only come to light after the decision to walk away from the journey has been made and so then therefore, the individual had given no room within the context of the "ex-gay" journey to really grapple and come to terms with it. We all have to grapple with the fears that we have in life. Often times the journey really is about realizing unhealthy and unrealistic fears that may be present and then submitting these fears to Jesus and only when we acknowledge these fears are we free to move past them and get on with the real journey and bring things and the journey into perspective.


Here's the second comment...

"I am beginning to believe that underneath my own desire to de-gay was the belief that I wasn’t the right kind of woman.


Here's an obvious lens in which this particular commenter had... their motivation was to first de-gay and then second had been confused as to what is the "right kind of woman"... We really have reduced the journey and developed some generalizations about a movement if we think the journey is only and all about somebody wanting to "de-gay" themselves. My journey is about my relationship with Jesus and it has nothing to do with going straight. And when I finally got it, when I finally understood the whole of the message I finally understood that it had nothing to do with going straight. In fact, I'm completely released from the pressure of having to turn myself straight. For me, it's all about Jesus and surprisingly enough as is, I'm not the same person I had been when I first began the journey 19 years ago. I'm not the same person I had been when I first began the journey out of homosexuality 6 years ago. I don't think the same way, I don't act the same way, I don't view life through the same lens anymore either. Along the way I began to experience a very fundamental shift within my thinking and how I viewed myself as a woman but most importantly I gained perspective on this journey and my relationship with Jesus. If I make it a journey to "de-gay" myself I've seriously missed the mark!


I think perhaps we should be asking those who are seasoned in the post gay journey what motivates them? Why are they still on this journey 20-3o years later? There has to be a powerful motivation for somebody to leave a long time committed partner to pursue a life beyond what they know and into the land of the unknown. When that person wakes up beside their spouse after years of being married and having raised a family together and are just as much in love with each other as they were on their wedding day... there has to be a motivation there that is so much deeper, a motivation that I don't currently understand the depth of. I'm single. What motivated me had never been a strong desire to get married and to raise a family. Quite honestly, when I started this journey I had settled quite comfortably into a celibate life after believing for over a decade my only option was to remain single. I never really had a relationship to begin with so one could say, I'm 33 years old having been singly my entire life and not really having any strong desires to get married or wanting to have children of my own but now this is changing. It's almost a fearful thought to have as it has a way of pointing out the places I feel most vulnerable. I'm not trying to be "the right kind of woman" I've just come to see I am a woman and that I'm not really any different from other women around me and having to deal with new desires I've never had before, desires by the way, that has caught me off guard and greeted with ambivalence... nonetheless desires I'm learning to trust the Lord in like I do with every other desire that I have which includes same sex attraction.