A Secret Place

This past month my church did a seminar titled "Good Sex". How often do we hear the "sex talk" at church!? It's usually been the taboo topic especially in Conservative Evangelical church's. The church provided a $5 meal for those who would attend the afternoon seminar. The first weeks topic centered on the purpose of sex. The second week had been a slight overview of the first but then headed into sexuality, individuality, and relationships. The third week had focused on sexuality and spirituality. And just this last Sunday the seminar had focused on homosexuality, how the church should respond, as well as my church's position with regards to homosexuality. As part of the seminar I shared my testimony. The main speaker had shared his as well as another church member had shared his testimony. I think one of the biggest lies that many church Pastors and leaders believe is that homosexuality is not an issue that's in their church but on the contrary. In a church the size of the one I attend I cannot assume that I am the only one who has had to wrestle with this issue and living in Metropolitan Vancouver we would be pretty naive to think that homosexuality is not an issue the church needs to respond to.

The last couple of months I've been going through a somewhat of a challenging season, it's been actually quite the tumultuous season, a chaotic season. Today has been a difficult day filled with very raw emotions. By 11am this morning my very raw emotions and sensitivities had me reduced to tears. I cried for the better part of the morning. Granted there were many reasons for being so emotional and I'm willing to admit, irrational. I'm so thankful to know a few people who were able to point out to me how irrational my thinking had been which enabled me to bring things to perspective and enabled me to get to the heart of the issue. I didn't start the day off well. I probably had about 2 hours of sleep and hadn't been sleeping well at all over the last couple of weeks so I've spent this last week half asleep and emotionally exhausted. I have also had a very trying time dealing with a friend of mine I've had to distance myself from. Why is it, that when a woman who sets boundaries against manipulative, controlling, and insecure men, the men label the woman a lesbian? I usually end up getting very emotional and feeling very vulnerable in times when I know a healthy boundary of mine are being violated and it takes a lot of courage for me to actually say something. I've been in one situation after another where I've had to set boundaries with people. It's like I've had this target on my back that read, "test my boundaries, walk all over me, label me, treat me any old way you so desire... " From the lady who called me "boss" and "sir" to this friend of mine who called me a lesbian and right in the chaos of it all I shared my testimony at church which had brought it's own challenges considering my testimony centered around gender identity and same sex attraction. I'm not at all surprised that I've felt really attacked in the area of my gender identity the last couple of weeks and of the labeling that others have tried to place on me. Of course! I made the decision to share my testimony at church and satan really would much rather us remain silent. And today seemed to be the climax of it all which had me reduced to tears by 11am this morning and calling on people to speak truth to me.

One such truth that was spoken, "Don't take it personal and don't assume the worst. Those assumptions tend to create the conflict instead of recognizing reality." Well, one of these days, I hope, I'll grow into this kind of wisdom and maturity--
to see the bigger picture.

So when I think things are smooth the waters quickly turn and it can often times feel like I have no control over the under current taking me under and sweeping me away. Welcome to my life-- the emotional roller coaster, the tumultuous and chaotic waters that can be likened to the Tsunami that washed up on the Coast of Japan after the country experienced the third largest earthquake in history. Last night I joined a few friends for food and drinks, raising our glasses to sexual healing! ha ha... only in this circle of friends. We shared and laughing and mocked various people in our circle. I loved the fact that I managed to even create some laughter as the mockery turned towards me. It was a friendly mockery that had me in stitches with laughter. To be able to relax with folks who are understanding and who know reasonably healthy boundaries is a fresh of breath air. It remains as an oasis in the middle of a desert, the eye of the storm, the peace in the middle of all the chaos.

When people face seasons of difficulty and are challenged to the core of their being there is usually one of two responses. We either begin to experience a shift within our own faith journey and begin to see our faith through a different lens or we continue to live our life through the lens of our faith. We can either place our experience far and above what the scriptures tell us or the scriptures remain the foundation in which to live our lives. And when we make the choice to walk away from the gay life and begin the post gay journey success really depends upon the lens in which we view our experiences and live our life. I trust in the Lord my God who created me and I trust in the process despite tumultuous seasons that tend to challenge everything I believe and put my hope in. At the end of the day, my hope and trust is not placed in becoming straight, my hope and trust is placed in the process and in my Creator. I'm both challenged and inspired by the complimentary relationship I see in the marriage between my pastor and her husband. I'm challenged when I see that I've only just begun to scratch the surface when it comes to my faith journey. I'm inspired because the talk itself revealed to me new desires that God is placing in me, new desires that I believe are the direct result of my ongoing healing in the area of my gender identity. I do see myself as a woman, I am a woman among many different kinds of women. I don't always feel secure in my identity but I'm not the only one. There are plenty of straight women who are so obviously insecure with themselves. So am I really any different? The answer is, NO! I'm not really any different. God designed my femininity to be different and to see the feminine in me begin to surface has been perhaps one of the most mysterious components of my journey to date. I sometimes just have to throw out my need to comprehend and understand how it can be and just receive from the Lord the work that He is doing and trust that one day it will all make sense. It's a mystery, it's a real mystery but I'm not surprised that it is. It's A Secret Place. It is true intimacy with our Creator... It is face to face, the place where we are made holy.

Proverbs 25:2
It is the glory of God to conceal a matter;
to search out a matter is the glory of kings.